http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ Daily Kitten Chat Forum Topic: Ange needs ADVICE! en Tue, 14 Feb 2012 16:15:45 +0000 http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705/page/2#post-11637 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:07:06 +0000 Momma to 2 MaineCoons 11637@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>ya think so! </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705/page/2#post-11633 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:04:04 +0000 Tigger 11633@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>i think SomeOne is Tapping you lightly on the shoulder with His pinkie! :) </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705/page/2#post-11628 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:59:16 +0000 Momma to 2 MaineCoons 11628@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>So cool everyone. Mom and i had chinese tonight just got around to finishing it and got to the cookie. It had two messages inside, rare.</p> <p>But here's what bthey say<br /> "Look with favor upon a new beginning" and<br /> "You may find your horizions suddenly broadened"</p> <p>Wow! Is this a message possibly? Whst do you all think?</p> <p>Ange </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705/page/2#post-11561 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:30:59 +0000 Momma to 2 MaineCoons 11561@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>thanks bobbi i will look. </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705/page/2#post-11560 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:21:59 +0000 artistabobbi TX 1/17 11560@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>Ange,<br /> Great news!<br /> I replied to you on night shift.<br /> I am so happy for you. </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705/page/2#post-11556 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:17:21 +0000 Momma to 2 MaineCoons 11556@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>Hi everyone! Good news sat down tonight with mom and talked things over about moving and everything else. I feel as if a great weight and the guilt is completely gone. We discussed what are fears are about the move, what we will miss and ways to still do some of them. </p> <p>Mom felt really bad for stressing me into feel guilt, but she didn't realize her emotions were washing over me in waves. Once she aired her concerns we discussed them to figure out ways to relieve her stress and worry.</p> <p>Ijust wanted to thank everyone for your support and advice.</p> <p>Loads of love and grautatued (spelling ?)<br /> Ange </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705/page/2#post-11204 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 17:07:57 +0000 Tigger 11204@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>Look at that,Ange!! All this great help and support pouring out on 'ya.It does my heart REAL good to see you getting all this.Know why?YOU deserve it,believe it or don't. E-mail me if ya' want to tonight,Ange. I'll be around all evening after 7:30pm. </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705/page/2#post-11195 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 16:56:59 +0000 Elene_YorkPA_7/21 11195@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>Ange, another path is to look for a small space in private home. Sometimes you can find a person looking for help with the mortgage that rents out a small space which includes kitchen privledges and such. Mostly they try to keep this affordable. I've also seen where they sometimes knock off some rent for lawn care and such. </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705/page/2#post-11191 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 16:49:26 +0000 Momma to 2 MaineCoons 11191@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>OP your right studios. Been looking but most are 800 and up. But haven't given up yet on them. </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705/page/2#post-11168 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 16:27:33 +0000 AZDEBRA 5/27 & crew 11168@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>OP, yeah that's it....see what happens when one sleeps one hour vs 3-4 hrs, lol </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705/page/2#post-11140 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:44:03 +0000 2 Popoki 11140@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>AZDEBRA... I think you are searching for "studio apt" :) </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705/page/2#post-11137 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:41:22 +0000 AZDEBRA 5/27 & crew 11137@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>Oh and I forgot, usually the 1 room apts are between 400-600 sq ft w/bathroom and kitchen or kitchenette. </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705/page/2#post-11135 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:40:18 +0000 AZDEBRA 5/27 & crew 11135@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>Ange, in your search look for 1 room apartments also, can't remember what they are called off-hand. Some of them are actually spacious enough for 1 person and a kitten or cat (if you choose to have one), and some have all the utilities but electric and/or water included (just examples, a lot of them have cable/trash/and what-have-you paid with the rent). Just more thoughts for your search. </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705/page/2#post-11121 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:01:00 +0000 Momma to 2 MaineCoons 11121@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>Thanks everyone one. I am starting my search twofold now. Plus searching for a place in a larger area, though it does now mean I need to estimate a little more towards gas. Yes change can be stressful, and scary, but I have decided I need this, I can do this and my Mom made sure I was prepared for this since I was a kid. Now last step is to find a place. I had originally be looking for a reasonable 1 or 2 bedroom place, but way outta my range. So I have taken your wise advice started looking for share rentals. Even some of these are outta my range once you add utilities to it, plus other needful things. I keep looking though and with all of your support, advice, prayers I am sure things will become available that I can manage.</p> <p>Thanks again my family.<br /> Ange </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705/page/2#post-11093 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:13:44 +0000 MadcatwomanintheUK 11093@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>Hi Ange - I feel like the last person in the world to advise re mothers and guilt right now, and certanly couldn't add to or better any of the advise you've already been given...so just have some heartfelt {{{hugs}}} xx </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705#post-11027 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 12:26:35 +0000 Jo in Blairsville 11027@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>I'm so proud to be here among such insighful, loving people. You're all amazing. Great advice, TDKers!</p> <p>Wouldn't it be wonderful if Ange's changing her own life -- gives her mother the strength she needs to change hers? </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705#post-11015 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 12:14:27 +0000 anncetera2 11015@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>Ange, hang in there. You're not leaving your mother alone, you just won't physically be sharing the same living space. As you noted, you won't be more than a phone call away.</p> <p>In addition, I'm glad that you recognize that your mom should probably think about taking a look at her situation, and figure out what direction she wants to go, at this point in her life. That's entirely up to her, though; she may need to do that at her own pace, in her own way. I wish her the very best of luck in figuring all that out.</p> <p>Believe it or not, Ange, you're through the worst part - you've decided what you're going to do. Everything else gets easier, now. What you're working on now is implementing your plan, and finding good ways to feel more comfortable with the changes you're making.</p> <p>Change is stressful, even good change; change can also be very scary. Be kind and gentle to yourself as you deal with these transitions. </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705#post-10909 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 09:06:16 +0000 SylvesterMiasMomma 10909@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>Rubia in UK has put it so well. I agree with her. You should go ahead with your plans to move out as your parents need to deal with the issue between themselves. Al-Anon is a great place to go and get help with dealing with the issues you are feeling (feelings of abandoning your mom, etc.). We are all here for you. Lots of hugs. </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705#post-10896 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 08:53:06 +0000 Momma to 2 MaineCoons 10896@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>I am off to shower and head to my appointments today for work, so please keep sending advice. I will check them when I get home.<br /> Thanks again my tdk fam.<br /> Ange </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705#post-10889 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 08:48:59 +0000 Momma to 2 MaineCoons 10889@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>Thank you everyone! After posting this thread last night I realized cI should not feel guilty for wanting to leave as soon as possible, and that if my mom needs to talk I am only a phone call away. I picked up my share rental search and even expanded the area some. I am hopibng to find something soon that I can afford as well as my other expenses. I still plan to be out of here by December but if something else comes up sooner I will persue it. </p> <p>I even started looking at alternatives for short stays with other family members but, knowing their situtations I don't want to burden them. My sister is in a crumbling marriage as well with an alcoholic, with 4 girls aging 16 to 4 this december, she would take me in a heartbeat and my nieces would love it but one more mouth to feed and cook for (mind you I would pay rent or help with grocery costs which muy sister would refuse stuborn just like me ;o) .)<br /> My brother lives in San Fran but the gas I would be using would eat up any profits I could make. Plus he has only recently found a new job and got off welfare (question not sure if it's called welfare when you get released by your boss) plus he lives with 3 other guys so it's pretty full thhere as well. The last sibling I have lives in Stockton, ca, but my brother doesn't work so his wife is the sole breadwinner plus they have their 5 year old daughter plus I would have to find new jobs, which will be a bigger burden and stress on me.<br /> I thought of staying short term in a hotel/motel, but roomrates and laundry will be very pricey.<br /> Now don't think I'm giving up, I'm not down for the count. I am regrouping and trying another approach and strategizing. </p> <p>I will mention to my mom tonight al-non (we have girls night into while stepfather goes to his all male hunting club meeting). I will also lay out my new plan/goal. I will remind her if she needs me I'm here for her as support but I have to do this for ME! I will also tell her she needs to do some serious thinking as well about her happiness and marriage. Her wants, needs, desires and expectations. I will also let her know it's her choices, and it should not involve me, it's brtween them.</p> <p>Any other thoughts on how to do this without making her feel like I'm leaving her alone on the battlefield so to speak. I want her to finally take back her control and draw on all that strength that showed us through our past hardships before she got reinvolved 14 years ago.</p> <p>Thanks again my tkd family. I know I can always count on you for advice.<br /> love,<br /> Ange </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705#post-10876 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 08:38:22 +0000 KYKAT 12 23 10876@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>Ange, </p> <p>I am weighing in on the side of sticking to your plans and continuing with trying to be out by the end of the year. Re-assure your mother that you will still be near by and also think about the fact that if you have your own place it will give your mother the opportunity to retreat away from her house when she needs time and space to think and decide what HER next move might be. It is time to live your life for yourself and you will never truly do that while you are living at home. </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705#post-10870 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 08:25:18 +0000 GreatDane 10870@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>Hi Ange,<br /> I'm glad you're planning on moving out! You need to take care of yourself if you're going to be any help at all to your Mom. Removing yourself from the situation will not only be good for you, it may help your parents' relationship as well. I can understand that it's hard for your Mom to have you move out, but it's time and it's something all mothers will have to go through at some point. I think once you move out and she realizes that you're able to take care of yourself, she'll feel better about it. You also don't know how your parents' relationship will change once you're out of there - maybe the two of them will grow closer living by themselves and it may ultimately help them solve their problems.<br /> DON'T feel guilty about moving out! I felt terribly guilty about moving, myself. I lived with my Dad for a few months after my Mom passed away. I was 21 and I felt terrible for leaving my Dad all alone (though my brother lived about 12 miles away), but it was something I had to do. Now, I left my Dad in Denmark and moved to Florida, so talk about moving away!!!! It wasn't easy, Ange, and some people even got on my case about it, but I can't live my whole life a certain way and forget my own hopes and dreams because I feel guilty leaving him. It's been eleven years, and we get along great. We talk on the phone often, we email and he comes to visit for a month every year. I'm happy and my Dad's happy that I'm happy! You see, had I stayed, HE would have been the one feeling guilty about keeping me there!<br /> Move out, Ange, and live your life. Help out you Mom if she needs it, lend a listening ear if she needs that, but do move out and get on with your own life! </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705#post-10857 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 08:07:40 +0000 Rubia in CA, 4/28 10857@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>Ange - Everyone here has offered excellent advice - particularly about going to Al-Anon. I also agree that you need to think of yourself first. As the others have said, it is your parents' marriage and their problems - not yours. Your staying could very well provide them with a way to avoid facing up to their problems; you might be enabling your mother to continue putting off making a very unpleasant decision. It sounds like she is using you as a crutch. If you leave, they will no longer be able to use you to distract them from what is really going on in their marriage, and it will help to force them to deal with the real issues. </p> <p>Remember, you are only responsible for yourself, and the only person you can control is yourself. You cannot worry whether any of your own actions may prove to be the 'last straw' in their marriage. It is up to your mom and dad as to how they react to your leaving. If they choose to react by allowing that to finish their marriage, then that is their decision. It is not your responsibility. And if that is what happens, you must realize that if you had stayed you might only have been postponing the inevitable. </p> <p>Ans above all, don't let your mom make you feel guilty! Feeling guilt is your own choice; it doesn't help anybody, and will only hurt you. Naturally, you want to help and support your mom - you just need to find the right way to do this. As I said, I suspect that if you remove yourself from the equation, your parents will be more able to focus on their problems, and you will be in a better position to provide your mother with that much needed support. </p> <p>Best of luck to you in this difficult decision! Sending positive energy, hugs, purrs and headbonks! </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705#post-10855 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 08:01:46 +0000 peppercat28 10855@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>Remember your parents are adults...Al-Anon is good..and letting her know you are available for support, but it is necessary for you to get on your own. The longer you stay, the more difficult it is for all involved. It should be the goal of parents to get you out of the nest at the right time, and unless you have been working an MD and doing residency, you need to spread your wings and leave the nest. </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705#post-10770 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 05:23:54 +0000 Bogman, Clark and Andy's mama 2/27 Florida 10770@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>Jo, as usual, stated it better than I could, but remember, this is YOUR parents' problem, not yours. You can't take on the world. I know this because I have tried for my whole life. You can't fix something that is another person's problem. OK? </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705#post-10764 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 04:29:56 +0000 Jo in Blairsville 10764@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>All the above friends have offered mature, experienced, intelligent, heartfelt advice. I hope you will take a deep breath, slow down long enough to read every word, and think.</p> <p>This is the time to lay down your youth, stand tall as a self-sufficient adult, pick up the torch of anticipation and excitement, and step forward into your future....guilt-free. </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705#post-10760 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 03:59:36 +0000 3 kits staff dorie 10760@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>Ange,<br /> Help yourself befor you can help Mom! It sounds like you both need Al-anon.<br /> My 27 year old daughter and I also went through this 9 years ago, We went to meetings and found some answers inside ourselves. If a meeting doesn't feel right go to another one in a different place, As I went to several before I found my home place! It is a long road but take it one baby step at a time!!<br /> Peace<br /> My daughter/friend<br /> Dorie </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705#post-10757 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 03:51:23 +0000 anncetera2 10757@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>Ange, I will echo the recommendations of others, and suggest you contact Al-Anon as soon as possible.</p> <p>Your father's drinking problem and your parents' marriage problems are not problems for you to take on. You are responsible only for your actions, not for your parents (either one of them).</p> <p>I don't know enough about the specifics of the situation to give good advice. But based on my intuition, and having been in a family where both parents had drinking problems, I'd recommend you run, don't walk, to get out of this situation. You're 27 years old, and you've had to deal with a fairly dysfunctional family situation for a long, long time (if not your entire life).</p> <p>Your mom will have to make her own decision to stay or leave, based on her own reasons. I understand your desire to help, and if your mom decides to leave, if and when the situation comes to that, then you can offer your help. But it's not appropriate for you to influence her decision, one way or the other.</p> <p>Please keep in mind that excessive distance or closeness can be a sign of a dysfunctional relationship. Co-dependency is a very strange and entangling situation, but it can be overcome.</p> <p>Good luck! </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705#post-10752 Wed, 03 Oct 2007 01:59:43 +0000 AZDEBRA 5/27 & crew 10752@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>Ange, you have received some very good advice here from tigerpaw, KW, and ailuromaniac. I would also advise going to Al-anon, I know that you love your mother as one should but you are not responsible for their marriage. You will be in my prayers and thoughts for continuing strength in this situation. </p> http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/topic/705#post-10750 Tue, 02 Oct 2007 23:10:34 +0000 Tigger 10750@http://www.dailykitten.com/chat/ <p>Well said,KW.May it be so. </p>