Daily Kitten Chat Forum » Purrs

1. 

   I had another fight with hubby last night. He is chatting on the phone so I pop in to the second bedroom to let him know so he can end his call (we have an agreement that we don't get on the phone if the other person is sleeping) and he got mad at me because I had the nerve to talk to him while he was on the phone. He said I was disrespecting him. Well, he was just talking to one of his male friends. What a jerk! I told him that if it was his parents I would interrupt but since it is just one of his friends who calls him about five times a day, I thought it was okay to just pop in. He proceeded to say I shouldn't talk to him while he is on the phone...yeah right...like he is talking to the President of the USA! Oh to have my bills paid off so I can afford to leave! All we do is argue. I told him I am suppose to the be the wife who is seen but not heard type. He didn't say anything to that comment so I guess it is true. He had to go to work to pick up some client at 5am so he woke me up around 4am with is moving about in the bathroom. I don't need to be up till 5:30am. He didn't even say sorry.

   I want a divorce but cannot afford to get one right now. In between a rock and hard place right now.

   I am sorry to vent but I am a very frustrated person and cannot afford a therapist what with all my bills and having to pay for all the bills since hubby isn't working much. I am starting to feel a bit overwhelmed at all the bills. Have to wait it out till December when hopefully he reaches a settlement on his car accident (other guy's fault).

   Taking big deep breath, big swig of mocha coffee and looking picture of Sylvester that I have on my cell phone of him at age 3 months.

   Posted 4 years ago by SylvesterMiasMomma #

2. 

   Karin, what you are going through is mental abuse. Call the local Women's shelter. They will help you. And remember, we're here for you. Love Terri

   Posted 4 years ago by Bogman, Clark and Andy's mama 2/27 Florida #

3. 

   Definitely take a deep breath, Karin. It sounds like the two of you need some time apart. Do you have any family or friends in the area that might let you stay with them while this is being sorted out? Can you put a little money aside out of each check from your temp jobs to use to move out?

   You might be able to have filing fees waived or deferred if you decide to file for divorce. Your local Legal Aid office could advise you or you could look online for the website of the Superior Court in your jurisdiction for information about how to file your own divorce proceeding.

   Hang in there!

   Posted 4 years ago by Kitten Whisperer #

4. 

   Karin, get out now. There are places that can help and you shouldn't stay at all. I know bills have you worried and it will make it harder but being free from him is much more important than money.

   Brandilee, same thing for you hon, leave. Walk away and live your life. I would rather be broke and free than have money and in a abusive situation.

   I wish I had good advice to give, but all I can say is that neither of you deserve (no one in fact deserves) to be treated the way you are being treated.

   Well, my class break is over so I have to get back.

   Hugs to everyone

   Posted 4 years ago by Instinct #

5. 

   Ladies, let me tell you something....

   I stayed in an abusive relationship for 12 years. My ex-husband started out verbally abusive, then mental abusive, then finally physically abusive. I stayed until he tried to KILL me. He thew me out a 2nd story window. I ended up with a trust fund from his father that I gave to the local women's shelter. I know what you are going threw. I went from being a multi-millionare to HAVING to actually work for a living. I literally went from being filthy rich to being dirt poor, but alive. Being alive is better.

   Like Instinct said, GET OUT NOW. There are places that will help. I will help in any way that I can.

   Remember, we love you.

   Terri

   Posted 4 years ago by Bogman, Clark and Andy's mama 2/27 Florida #

6. 

   Karin, BrandiLee, What your husbands are doing is considered abuse. If you are put-off by calling a women's shelter, then get on this link for some confidential help:
   http://www.ndvh.org/
   or just type in "women's shelters" for free advice an help in your areas.
   Take it from someone who got out of an abusive relationship. Life is too short to have some pig rob you of your sanity and happiness! As time goes by you'll be all used up with nothing left as a person. Don't waste your time.

   Posted 4 years ago by Caddycat #

7. 

   I agree with all above.... I was married to an alcoholic for 20+ years... it took a long time (too long) to see what he was doing. He was controlling and emotionally and intellectually abusive to me. I finally got out and still deal with 'wounds' he inflicted 6years later. Sadly, my children endured all this as well. They were 16 and 18 when I finally got the nerve to leave.

   Now... I have to say I'm in a less than perfect relationship now a well that I need to end. We need to be treated in the manner we deserve... not berated, abused and taken advantage of.

   Posted 4 years ago by 2 Popoki #

8. 

   Thank you for all your support. Interesting enough, I had a discussion this past weekend with my Mom about my husband and all. She said that I can no longer wait for him to get a good job, get established and all. She said I need to focus on what I want/need, to not wait any longer but to make my plans now. I had originally had a six month plan and she said I shouldn't wait.

   My husband has said to me that he thinks once we both have good jobs the stress will lessen, that will be better off and we won't be so quick to argue or be angry with one another. I don't believe that since his behavior didn't change when he had a good job paying as much as I was making. He still did what he wanted, when he wanted.

   I am going to look into Legal Aid in my area to see if I qualify for any sort of "help". The only problem is it is only open during business hours when I am at work. I will think about taking a half day off to meet with them. The lost pay may actually be worth it in the long run. Since my husband only has the car service job, I do not think I will qualify for alimony but I guess it doesn't hurt to ask the Legal Aid peopld about it.

   The hardest part is raising the money to move. I have to find a place to live that I can afford and that will allow me to pay the deposit in three payments versus all at once. I will not consider a roommate unless it is the very last option because I have gone that route four times now and they always seem to forget I am sharing the place them. I will consider a very small studio and put all my things in storage if I have to or will find an apartment I can afford that is decent.

   Also, it is a very bad time to be moving in the SF Bay Area right now as the rents have all sky rocketed due to the Real Estate mortgage mess. It is better to be moving in either January (when college students have either dropped out of school because of finances or graduated early) or in May when the school year has ended for college students.

   I will figure it all out and will make my plans accordingly.

   Posted 4 years ago by SylvesterMiasMomma #

9. 

   Hey...and I thought I was stressed. I too have experience of failed marriages - 2 of 'em - but fortunately both ended up being pretty amicable.

   What a horrible situation for you both to be in. Divorce can be expensive, but you don't have to file straight away - just (as they all say above) leave, get out, get rid. It's mental energy you need more than money, any kind of failing relationship is so draining that it leaves you with very little self confidence.

   Therapy? Waste of money. For starters you've got us, and anyway, YOU both have your heads screwed on right - it's your f***wit husbands/partners that need help. Stuff 'em. You're worth more than that.

   *wraps us some of the leftover positive energy from last night and sends it right back where it's needed*

   Posted 4 years ago by MadcatwomanintheUK #

10. 

    I agree with everybody, Karin and Brandilee, please, both of you, try to get out. Let us know if there is anything we can do to help!

    Posted 4 years ago by GreatDane #

11. 

    I can honestly say I truly relate to everyone above & Thank you Instinct for your understanding. It helps when you hear a man's opinion.
    Karin...as much as I know you would like to stay in the area,you might have to consider moving out of your zone of comfort. Just a thought. And if you & Brandilee wouldn't mind,I'd love to paddle along the lake w/you?

    {{{HUGS}}}

    BTW...While my man/friend & I wait for his final results(Sept.17)...Don't know what will happen w/us. If it helps,I do understand the tension going on. If you need to talk,you know my e-mail address.

    Posted 4 years ago by feral #

12. 

    Karen and Brandilee,
    Have to add my two cents' worth, too, I also had two failed marriages, though the first was my fault because I married right out of high school, just to get away from home, not for love. I had no love for this man, nor he for me, so that was just chalked up to experience. The second was to an alcoholic, but I had no knowledge of what an alcoholic was. Naive me, I just went out and drank with him. But when I realized that it was his way of life, and it wasn't mine, things deteriorated. I walked on eggshells not to send him off on a drunken tangent. He always drank outside the home, not coming in until they threw him out of the bars. Then it was MY fault that I was doing this, or not doing that, or wouldn't "service" him in his drunken state--anything to put the blame on me. I finally joined Al-Anon, and found out it WASN'T my fault, and it was up to me to make the choice-stay or get out! Finally, I chose to leave, hard as it was to go out on my own. But I did it, and I'm the better person for doing it. He has since quit drinking, and is a rather nice person--we still keep in touch, though he lives in Ohio.

    So, kids, do what your heart tells you to do, and know that you have a wealth of experience here at TDK to pull from. We've got love, friendship, and always a shoulder to cry on.

    Posted 4 years ago by MaxandCali'sMom #

13. 

    Karin and Brandilee: It really sounds like you'd both be better off without your husband. When the love and friendship have gone and the only uniting thing is the growing pile of bills, it's time to walk away.

    Posted 4 years ago by miu #

14. 

    I have to agree with the others..get out! I wish I had listened to my 2 oldest kids when they told me I needed to leave. I could have done without the 2 years of additional and emotional abuse. But being in love can make you do stupid things.

    I also understand the finacial problems involved. Have you thought about a "Do It Yourself" divorce? They have a book on it at Barnes and Nobel. If there are no children involved or property disputes it is not very expensive, in Brandilee's case the business would be a problem unless you could just walk away. You just have to pay the filling fees.

    I wish you both the best of luck and to echo everybodies sentiments you are in my prayers..if you need anything, I'm here and my email is chuck at ip-usa dot net

    Posted 4 years ago by Crazycatman - CA #

15. 

    That was supposed to be mental and emotional abuse..

    Posted 4 years ago by Crazycatman - CA #

16. 

    BrandiLee you situation is a difficult one with all the cats, your kids and the business. I would recommend that you see a lawyer on the sly to find out what your rights and options are. You should definitely take action so that you have money of your own.

    Karin, I will continue to keep sending you good thoughts too. Have you looked for temp jobs near your parents? If you could fine one you and the kitty could go there for a visit and just not come back. If they would let you stay for three months you should have enough for a deposit on a place.

    Years ago my sister was in a very abusive marriage. She took the mental and verbal abuse for as long as she could, but when he started taking his miserable life out on the kids, (they were both under the age of 4) I helped her to get out. She and the kids left in the middle of the night with not much more than their clothes and enough money for the gas to get them to a family membes house two states away. She started over, re-built her life and today is a happy person with 4 daughters and 4 grandchildren and counts getting out as the best move she ever made for herself and her family.

    Posted 4 years ago by KYKAT 12 23 #

17. 

    You are all so wonderful. I was just saying to Great Dane that with out you all, I would very much alone. Also, your support means more than words can say because hearing about other people's experiences lets me know that I am not the only one going through this. The advice whether it is good or not quite right on the nail, is still valuable information. Thank you all very very much. Big group hug.

    I do not have the option to move back to my parent's house because they made it very clear when I moved out 24 years ago that I would never being moving back in unless it was for medical reasons. I have actually started to looking into the idea of moving to another area but will only do that if I land a perm job and they are willing to transfer me to another branch (probably at my own expense). I am thinking of seeing if I can borrow some money from my Great Aunt (my Dad's aunt) to see if she will help me so that I can move out of my situation. I am going to researching all my options this weekend to start thinking about what to do.

    Also, I originally filed for divorce back at the end of Dec 2006 but didn't finalize the paperwork due to feeling like I was going to ruin things for my husband. It costs about $600 to file and serve the papers and maybe an additional $150 to finalize the papers.

    One last thing, there are some rental places (you have to search very hard) that will either let you split the deposit or they have a very low deposit. The place I had in Marin before I was married had a deposit of $800 (500 rental and 300 cat deposit) and the property manager even let me pay my rent in two bi-weekly payments after I had been there about a year or so and had been laid off from my job. Only small rental places will be willing to do this but they are out there.

    Thank you all again for your support.

    Posted 4 years ago by SylvesterMiasMomma #

18. 

    Karin & brandilee,
    My heart goes out to both of you. You all are in such difficult positions, but I agree with everyone else, hard as it might be, scary as it may be, got out!
    I went through 2 divorces also. I was married to a workaholic the first time, and fear drove me into my second marriage to an alcoholic, who eventually physically abused my daughter and mentally abused my sons.. I was so adicted to him, that I didn't leave him at that time, but pushed him into therapy. Ha! He has gone on to other marriages where abuse followed.
    So I have been single for 20+ years, fearful of not trusting myself with other relationships in case I should pick the wrong one again.
    I know where you both are now, and if there is any way I can help, contact me at artistabobbi AT yahoo DOT com.
    Positive and healing energy to you both.
    Bless you.
    bobbi

    Posted 4 years ago by artistabobbi TX 1/17 #

19. 

    Karin, I do want to get together with you sometime soon. Maybe we can do it this weekend?? You have my number, give me a call or ship an email since the phone is still set up with an Ohio phone number.

    We are going to be getting a local land-line, but first we need a phone

    Posted 4 years ago by Instinct #

20. 

    Max and Molly's mom.. your situation so mirrors mine. Married at 18 to get out of the house. 2nd marriage to an alcoholic (functional, but still an alcoholic) and a workaholic.

    Karin and Brandilee... you are both in my prayers and thoughts.

    Posted 4 years ago by 2 Popoki #

21. 

    Ay! I really do not know what to say. I am so far away and belong to another culture so I sometimes think that my positive thoughts don't cross 'the puddle' and that I am the last in line for the group hug.
    All I want to say is that it has been sad reading these stories. Such wonderful caring women, inteligent and sweet having to go through this tipe of abuse.
    I pray that you find men good enough for you. They exist, we have Chuck and Instinc as proof.
    Big hug, huge hug, I hope you beautiful women feel the positive thoughts and enery.

    Posted 4 years ago by PipasMumSpain #

22. 

    I told hubby all my misgivings about the marriage and how frustrated I was with the treatment I have received. He says I am equally at fault. We had a long heated discussion about everything and I didn't feel any better even after airing all my frustrations. I have called my husband some nasty names while in the heat of an argument (he pushes my anger button quite easily) and that could equal to verbal abuse on my part. So maybe we are equally bad to one another. At any rate, hopefully I have put some thought into his head of how things have been, how I feel things will not change, and until I actually see him follow through on his promises of helping me out with my credit card bills, I will not believe he means to help.

    Anyways, I have lots of job possiblities and hopefully one of them will follow through and give me an offer. Even if it is the temp job at Seagate Technologies it will be a job with permanent possibilities what with it being a high level Executive Assistant position.

    Thank you all for your support. Brandilee, I am paddling right there with you.

    Posted 4 years ago by SylvesterMiasMomma #

23. 

    Karin and Brandilee, only you can fully assess the situation. But the marriage really comes down to a litmus test: are you better off with him, or without him? In both of your situations, it sounds to me as if your marriages aren’t passing the litmus test.

    I was divorced by my husband (who was not abusive at all). I was lucky enough to have my brother, 500 miles away, willing to have me move into their basement long enough to get a car, find a job and get my own place.

    Some time after that, I relocated 300 miles away with a boyfriend. I didn’t have a car. Big mistake! I eventually found temp work I could get to on public transportation, but it was a city not well designed for public transit. He got to be more and more controlling, and more and more emotionally abusive. I finally left, with only a week of planning. My brother, his wife, and my best friend brought a truck, a trailer, and a tiny car to move me, what little furniture & books I had, and my cats. Again moved into my brother’s basement for a short period, got transportation and a job, then found an apartment for me and my cats.

    It *can* be done. You *can* get out. Part of the insidious nature of controlling & emotionally abusive behavior is convincing the person that they can’t change the situation, that they’re helpless, hopeless, and worthless. You need to do what you need to do to preserve your own self-respect, because it’s apparent that he’s damaging your self-esteem.

    It will not be easy; it will not be fun. But eventually you will find yourself in a much more content frame of mind, not being second-guessed, not being interrogated, not having to deal with his insecurities and issues.

    You can do it. You are worth it.

    You have your whole life ahead of you. Do you want to spend it struggling to change someone who doesn't want to change?

    Posted 4 years ago by anncetera2 #

24. 

    I am saddened to hear of so many of my TDK friends having such abusive relationships and all the heartbreak that goes with it. I have no advice that has not been offered. I wish you all the strength to be rid of the situations you are in, the peace that will come with that move and all the support that you need from friends and family. I will say a special prayer for you all. Please take care and be safe. Love, Hugs and Purrs, Lynn

    Posted 4 years ago by Lynn from PA 6/8 #

25. 

    Good that you aired your concerns ! Sorry to hear it lead to name-calling. If you are "equally bad to each other" it's my opinion that you need to call it quits. It sounds to me, from what you have shared, that neither of you are in a place where you want to work things out. One more opinion... once you are married, it's not "my" credit card bills and "his" loan payments. They become 'ours' at that point. Marriage is a partnership... or should be.

    Take what you will from my comments.. I've been divorced twice ;)

    Posted 4 years ago by 2 Popoki #

26. 

    One Popoki, I wish I could think that way but it really is my credit card bills and my car loan. Hubby doesn't believe in car loans. Also, even though he has used my car four or more times, he has never offered to pay part of my car loan or car insurance. There is no "us" when it comes to the bills except for the rent and utilities. Yes, it is time to call it quits but he and I both know we cannot really afford to live on our own at this time. I think we are sticking together till we both land decent jobs and get our lives in order.

    Posted 4 years ago by SylvesterMiasMomma #

27. 

    That's a really rough situation. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Can you two share the apt as 'friends' as opposed to 'husband and wife' until one of you can afford to move out?

    Posted 4 years ago by 2 Popoki #

28. 

    Karin, is there a way you and your husband could talk to each other without yelling to establish some ground rules about how you will treat each other during this stressful time? For example, hubby agreeing to not disturb you with noise (telephone, TV, music) when you need to get a good night's sleep so you can get to your job well rested each day; both of you agreeing not to call each other names when discussing tough issues; both agreeing not to argue about who is to blame for the way things are.

    Maybe you could present him with a short list of things you'd like both of you to live by to keep the peace and be able to live together until you can go your separate ways.

    Posted 4 years ago by Kitten Whisperer #

29. 

    Excellent idea Kitten Whisperer! I will write up what you have suggested in a list and put so we both sign that we have received the list. Great suggestion. Thank you.

    Posted 4 years ago by SylvesterMiasMomma #

30. 

    I hope it helps, Karin. {{{hugs}}}

    Posted 4 years ago by Kitten Whisperer #

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