Karin--Sorry for cutting in here--May I suggest another list? How about a list of why the two of you fell in love and got married? Seriously. It sounds as if the two of you could try a little bit of tenderness with each other instead of only going at things angrily or clinically. It looks as if I'm the heretic here, but I do not believe that such a recent marriage should be tossed aside so easily. Show your husband the same soft side that you show us on this site. I'll bet that is one of the reasons why he fell in love with you. Unless there is unquestionable abuse involved in your marriage, I think it's worth bringing your relationship back to life.
Daily Kitten Chat Forum » Purrs
Fed up with husband
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Posted 4 years ago by Dee from Tampa #
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Karin, Brandilee and Susie - I feel for all of you. I wish there was something I could do to help or some advice I could offer. But it looks like the rest of the TDK'ers are all there supporting you! Just know that I am here for you as well - my email is rubia underscore uk at yahoo dot com.
Posted 4 years ago by Rubia in CA, 4/28 #
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oops.
Posted 4 years ago by SylvesterMiasMomma #
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Nice idea Dee, but we are too fargone to do what you suggest. It was over back in mid 2006.
Posted 4 years ago by SylvesterMiasMomma #
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Can I get a TDK perspective, too?
Nine years ago, I married a man with a tested IQ of 72 who lived with his parents, then alone with his mother after his father's death, until he was 44 years old. At that time, his mother had a disabling stroke and he was thrown into independent living with no preparation whatsoever. A community agency (which has since closed) assigned him a caseworker who oversaw the payment of his bills, etc. I married him to give him a chance for a normal adult life with dignity. For the first two years, things went well enough. Since then, though, I've had the feeling that I'm watching him kill himself. He is addicted to television; he has it on day and night. (He has obsessive-compulsive disorder and I think this is one manifestation of it.) He spends 90% of his life on the living room sofa drifting back and forth between sleeping and watching the ever-present television. He has type 2 diabetes and the only thing he does for it is to take an oral medication; no dietary adjustments or exercise. He has severe sleep apnea and has a CPAP machine, but he has never used it for even one night. He complains about physical symptoms, but won't go to the doctor. He makes appointments and repeatedly cancels them. On the occasions when he does go, he won't follow the doctor's instructions. He used to be a marvelous homemaker, but now the house looks like a trash heap. (I'd rather live with that than work at my full-time job, then go home and clean house while he's spent the day on the sofa.) Because of his reputation as a noncompliant patient, no psychiatrist in two counties will see him. I am our sole financial support. Divorce is not possible because I can't afford to pay him spousal support; besides, I'm too stubborn and self-righteous (my pastor's words) to break the vow I made to join with him and share all that is to come until death parts us. (When I made that promise, I sure didn't see what was coming.) We've been to counseling, but it didn't help; he treated that pretty much like he treats his medical care. Because his IQ is 3 points above the clinical cutoff for a diagnosis of mental retardation, he's not eligible for any social services.
So, my TDK friends, how does one cope with watching one's husband destroy himself? -
I am at a loss for words Eileen. What a gracious and generous thing you did to marry him. But at what cost to you? Apparently the man can not / will not help himself. There is nothing you can do... short of trying to separate yourself emotionally. I wish you well.. and send positive light, engery and prayers your way.
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Eileen, I have been where you are in some ways...my now ex-husband was not DD when I married him but after a severe on the job injury wound up that way. Unless he gives you SOMETHING like emotional support or physical fulfillment, RUN do not walk away from the situation. I too believed in my marriage vows of death 'til you part until I realized that it was MY death that I was planning. I left 8 years ago--we are now friends and he thanks me for bringing him back from the brink of suicide--my feeling is that he would have let me lead him down the path of despair until it was too late--he didn't deal with anything until I forced him into it.
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It might be worthwhile to talk to an attorney, Eileen, to find out whether or not you could be required to pay spousal support in the event you decide to end your marriage. Marriages are built on all kinds of considerations. Hopefully, mutual emotional support is one of them. It sounds like you are shouldering all the responsibilities in this relationship and none of the rewards that marriage can bring. Maybe just bringing up the topic that you don't know how much longer you can live in this manner with him will wake him up. You have lots of support here. Please keep posting. {{{hugs}}}
Posted 4 years ago by Kitten Whisperer #
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Eileen... you are too hard on yourself. God has not put you in this planet to withstand all the burdens He sends us alone... give yourself a chance!
You have done all humanly posible to help your husband, much more than your average human being... now take a rest.
Look at it as if it is your turn to live now. Your husband has had many years of love, caring and love... and now... it's your turn. Put one step out of your house... and take a deep breath.
Don't let money get in the way of peace of mind... As Shelley said, he wants it all? Let him have it all, take your kitties and run.Posted 4 years ago by PipasMumSpain #
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Eileen, Do what is best for YOU. God doesn't expect us to handle more than He gives us and it sounds to me like your husband is taking advantage of your good heart.
Love, hugs, purrs, headbonks, and sandpaper kisses.
Posted 4 years ago by Bogman, Clark and Andy's mama 2/27 Florida #
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Karin, I would have another talk with your parents. I know that they said that you could never move back, but 24 years is a long time ago and their attitude may have changed. They might be willing to let you move in temporarily if it means getting you out of a bad situation.
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Moving back in with my parents isn't possible even if they wanted to since they have moved into a house that they designed only for them. Also, they live in a rural area. I don't want to move in with them. The other option is to go talk with my sister as she has been looking to move. I may talk with her about the idea.
Eileen, do not stay with your husband because you are his sole support. I know you value your vows that you took but as others have said is it worth your working to death? Your health is going to go eventually from all the stress you are dealing with.
I say chat with a lawyer or legal aid and find out what your options are. If you cannot afford to pay spousal support than that is something that the lawyer can help you with. I mean what kind of judge would make it a financial hardship on you? Also is your husband capable of holding a job of any kind? I have read about some mentally challenged people who live in half way houses and hold jobs. Even if he isn't willing to hold a job, I would think the state would have to step in. Why would it become your burden if he won't help himself. We have state agencies to take care of that. We pay taxes for these services. He should be able to obtain them. Good luck and know that we are here for you. Hugs and purrs.
Posted 4 years ago by SylvesterMiasMomma #
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Ellen, I agree with Karin.
True your vows are important but lets look at it this way, those vows are a contract between you and your husband. Like any contract both sides have to honor the agreement and if one side does and the other doesn't then you have a breach of contract and that give you the right to walk away from it.
Your husband is in breach of his contract to you and since is in not mentally retarted he does have a responsibility to himself and to you and he is not doing either.
It's hard because you feel responsible for him but he needs to be responsible for himself, aparently he is capable of that and instead doesn't want to be. Don't let that destroy your life too.
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I second Instinct's post, Karin. You are an "enabler", hard as it may be to accept. I learned all about that in Al-Anon. The main thing they taught me was that it was MY CHOICE. I could either live with the situation or do something about it. I chose the second option and I couldn't be happier.
It's hard, I know. I wish I had a place like this when I was going through the separation/divorce.Posted 4 years ago by MaxandCali'sMom #
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Well, I think Instinct's post was directed to Eileen, and mine, though I still agree with his words, were directed to Karin.
At any rate, good wishes to both Eileen and Karen.
Posted 4 years ago by MaxandCali'sMom #
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Thank you for your input, everyone, and for the encouragement. It's true that my husband has never really been required to take responsibility for himself; he led a very indulged life until his mother's stroke put an end to that. I think it would have been much better for both of us if I had remained his friend rather than becoming his wife. Marriage took away all motivation he had for building an independent life.
Thank you for the purrs, hugs, headbonks, prayers, and good thoughts. Those give me the strength to consider what I need to do to deal with this. -
we only can be taken advantage if we ALLOW IT. TIME TO SINK OR SWIM IF YOU SERIOUS ABOUT WANTING OUT
Posted 4 years ago by kathyanne11/13 #
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The advice you have all given is terrific! I am a retired mental health counselor, and I could not have said things any better than all of you have. The one bit I'd like to add is this--you can NOT change anyone else's behavior-you can only change your own. As much as we'd all at time like to make someone else do what we'd like or be a different way, we only control our own actions. Karin, Brandilee and Eileen, you are such strong and beautiful women! You have given and given until you are now feeling all used up, and that makes it seem hard to have the energy to make changes. I've been there. Even attempted suicide after being with a controlling and emotionally abusive man for 21 years! But ultimately, you have to take care of yourself. There is always a way to leave, if that's what you need to do. If you don't have family or friends to help, women's shelters will give you a safe place to live until you can get on your feet. Don't be afraid to ask, or feel that because it is emotional abuse it isn't "real" enough to go to a shelter-it IS real and you deserve the help they can give you. They usually have contacts with legal folks who can help you get through the processes to get free.
Finally, please remember that there is hope in the future. I had decided never to get involved again after my divorce. Didn't want to make the same mistakes again. Besides, when post-polio syndrome hit and I went into a wheelchair and on a ventilator permanently, I figured no one would want me anyway. Then came my darling Victor. He saw behind the chair, the vent, the medical issues, and loves me unconditionally. Finally at age 58 I am happier than I ever dreamed possible. There ARE good men out there-our own great guys on this list are proof--and you all deserve to have the best! It can happen. Please believe that good things are ahead for the three of you. You are powerful-take control of your life and go after what you want-you have the power to make it what you want, & asking for help here is the first step toward your new life! My prayers are with you, and gentle hugs to you all.Posted 4 years ago by rainingwolf #
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Rainingwolf, you are an inspiration! God bless you.
Posted 4 years ago by MaxandCali'sMom #
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Well...I can relate & agree w/almost all the posts here...one advantage to Karin's situation is that she only has one cat. It does seem odd that you would mention "living in a rural area" as a reason to not live w/them. Being that my man/friend have been together for 22 yrs...I've not wanted so quickly to end it w/out first making every attemp at saving it(we have never married). He doesn't much believe in anything...counseling,compromising,equality in anything. And I did try the "making a list" of ways we could cohabitate w/out wanting to kill each other...and he even fought that, saying it was just a way for me to gain control. He's had a marijuana addiction for some time as well. He managed to convince a Dr. that he neede it so he now has a medical card for it. In his mind...he's set for life w/that. In my case tho..I was doing well for awhile...able to save some cash...then slowing things started working against me,got caught off-guard,& I'm now not-so-proud mother to 19 cats. I also agree with MCW (i think that posted)...that in time it strips you of all your self esteem,making it difficult to make even the simplest of decisions. Emotionally...I'm sure it would destroy me to surrender all of these cats that have relied on me for food(some for 13 yrs,)to the county pound. We all know what would happen. I wish I had some solutions for allof you who are going thru what you are,but,as you can see...I'm having a hard time saving myself from drowning
{{{HUGS}}} to all of you -
I would love to go live out in a rural area if I could find a job that lets me telecommute. The road to my parents place is very curvy and I even get a little car sick driving to and from their place.
Believe me, I would love to live in an area where my neighbors are at least five football fields away or more.
susie, I am sorry you are in a situation with having your man/friend not be willing to change anything. It is hard to give in when you have invested so much into it. Twenty-two years is a huge investment and seems only natural that you would want to try as much as possible before walking away. I hope you are able to find somehow to take care of yourself with all of this going on.
Hugs and purrs.
Posted 4 years ago by SylvesterMiasMomma #
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I am sorry for everyone who is having trouble with their siginificant others. It IS hard to walk away when you invested so much time in a relationship.
Susie, I'm sending all my positive thoughts and prayers your way. You are (as Ned Flanders would say) in a pickle. I pray that everything works out for you.
Karin, I am praying for you also.
*hugs to my hurting TDK family*
Posted 4 years ago by HuddysMama #
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I empathise and send love to all.
Posted 4 years ago by Pollys_Mum_in_UK_26/05 #
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Awwwwwww...Thanks you guys. After reading all your posts on this thread,I honestly think I'll be able to sleep better. Rainingwolf...you are an inspiration like Jimmie said.
BTW...HM...small world...that's one of my regular sayings 'in a pickle'or my other one...the idiot doesn't know his a*% from a pickle dish. Thanks for making me feel better.
I'm off to beddy-by. Nighty-Night all :-) -
I have just read through all these posts and I am amazed at the amount of knowledge - mostly gained first hand - and compassion we have for each other. I have been through 2 divorces; one after 4 years and one after 21 years. It's not easy, but the end result is well worth it.
I was talking with a friend the other night about being happy.. mostly happy with our selves. I had to think hard about the last time I was truly happy in my life... happy with who I was and life in general. I beleive that was in jr high. Being 52 now, that was a long time ago.
I am feeling the need to end my most recent relationship of almost 4 years. it's not easy because as Dr Phil would say there is not that ONE deal breaker. just a litany of smaller things. I guess together they all add up.
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God bless, One Popoki, we're here for you.
Posted 4 years ago by MaxandCali'sMom #
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One Popoki... your comments really made me start thinking...I guess somewhere along the line I should have put my happiness first,because I honestly can't remember the last time I was realy deeply happy. I've got to start stopping to smell the roses again. I hope your sorrow goes far away.
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Susie, what about finding homes for some of your cats yourself so that you know they have a good place to live?
I know it would be painful not having them all around but if you have to give up some of them so that you can move maybe knowing where they have gone would make it a little easier. You could also tell the adoptive parents that if they end up not being able to keep the cat that they can bring it back to you and you will find a new home for them.
Just a thought, but it is time for you to walk away from this situation. You have given way to much time and energy to someone who doesn't deserve it. He is a user and right now he is using you.
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I cannot help but notice that all these supportive replies urge the ladies to move out with all the expenses of relocating falling on their shoulders.
Why not change the locks and leave his shoes and "if he owns one saddle" at the door?
If there is no physical threat, tell him to take the hike.
Posted 4 years ago by ailuromaniac #
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