I used to be in a very bad situation until recently. I've been in a dysfunctional family (just me and my parents - no brothers or sisters) for 46 years. For years I tried to convince my family we had family problems, they said I was the problem. Well, on Easter Sunday this year my father became so outraged at me, I thought I was going to be killed by him. He grabbed me by his hands around my neck and shook me by the neck. The only reason I did not have him arrested is that there were no witnesses and no bruises...The next day he told me he did not sleep at all well that night and we all agreed to go into counseling together. Except that at the end, out of the doctor's office, my mother told me I was the problem in the family and she had proof, because I cry and they don't. At that moment, I chose to become an orphan. I still do see them, but I don't take any crap from them anymore. We only have a very shallow relationship. Thay think everything is fine and back to the way it was. Well, it's not. They only family I have now is my church family. And that's the only way it will be for the rest of my life. I will not forgive them, ever. Anyway, the moral of this story is to do whatever you have to do to survive. Me - I've cut back severely on my visits and phone calls to them. And the subjects are not deep ones anymore. I don't talk my feelings or complain anymore. I consider them less than the dirt under my shoes. I didn't have any feelings for my father when he announced he had cancer and ended up having 2 cancer surgergies in Aug 2007. He is considered now cancer free, but I certaintly didn't express my lack of feelings for him...
Daily Kitten Chat Forum » Purrs
Fed up with husband
(207 posts)-
-
Choyt2, I am sorry you went through that with your family. My parents are very strict and all but I can be with them from time to time. I have learned that they do not want to hear about anything bad and do not me to come to them when things are not going well. So over the years since my Mom died when I was 9, I have basically taken care of myself and learned to only depend on myself.
Anyways, I thought getting married was a partnership but it definitely hasn't turned out that way. So, I will go home tonight with the hopes that he is working late but if he is home, I am not talking to him. My home is not a home to me anymore. Only because Sylvester is there, it is still my home. Hopefully work something out.
Posted 4 years ago by SylvesterMiasMomma #
-
Oh Karin, I am sorry to hear things are so bad for you right now. Sending positive energy and hugs.
Ange
Posted 4 years ago by Momma to 2 MaineCoons #
-
-
For Choyt2: You can pick up this book at Amazon.com:
I'm OK, You're My Parents: How to Overcome Guilt, Let Go of Anger, and Create a Relationship That Works (Hardcover)
by Dale Atkins (Author) Around $12 new and $.52 (fifty two cents) used.http://www.amazon.com/Im-OK-Youre-Parents-Relationship/dp/0805073531
I found it very helpful in dealing with my parent issues and my husband's parents. (Trust me, when you have the Bionic Jewish Mother-in-Law from Hell, you will try ANYTHING!)
Networker
-
Karin, and choyt2,
My heart goes out to you both. I agree with networker choyt2. Forgiving your parents is for YOU, not for them.
Karin,
I had hoped that things would work out for you and hubby, buy they apparently are beyond that. If you can hang in til the 1st, that would probably be good for you. But if you are subjected to abuse, it would not, and it would be better to get out now, before things explode.
I am continuing to send you positive energy and you are in my thoughts.
Hugs and purrs.Posted 4 years ago by artistabobbi TX 1/17 #
-
Karin,
You said he was ill tempered because he is fasting for Ramadan.
Sounds like you have more than just a run of the mill dysfunctional marriage.
You have some deep rooted cultural issues revolving around the place of women in muslim society. Get out before he decides that the Koran justifies physical abuse as his right to discipline you. If possible tell him to take a walk and get permanently lost. If not, grab your stuff and head for the nearest shelter. Get out before his posessions increase beyond his view of your chattelage to include HIS children.
I know that there are many muslim men whou would never behave badly. However the signs are all over this one.
Posted 4 years ago by ailuromaniac #
-
Karin, Please listen to all the advise that you are getting here. Most of us that have given opinion have seen it happen. I don't want to see you as a statistic. OK? Please, if there's anything ANYTHING that I can do, please let me know. Love, Terri
Posted 4 years ago by Bogman, Clark and Andy's mama 2/27 Florida #
-
Ailuromaniac and Terri are very kindly telling it like it is. Thanks, ladies, for caring enough to spell it out. Karin, you need to take Sylvester and leave now. Life is pretty simple, really. You can choose to be miserable or you can choose to be happy. Happiness is a choice. Choose it and make a change, or sadly, dear heart, you will grow more miserable in time. Let me gently put it into terms that will hit home --- what if your husband decides to take out his anger on Sylvester?
Posted 4 years ago by Jo in Blairsville #
-
Thank you all for the good advice. I wrote a letter to my Great Aunt asking for some financial assistance so that I can move and end my marriage. I explained to her in the letter about how it isn't working out and all. I will mail it today and give her a call early next week to see if she can or is willing to help me. If she cannot help me, then I will have to figure something else out.
My husband says he will not ever use physical violence but I am not sure about him anymore. He knows that if he tries anything, I will call the police (and in Calif, since the OJ trial, they take domestic issues extremely serious). I will then divorce him and contact the INS to get him deported. My sister says that if he ever tries anything against me, she will take action and has told him this to his face. Hopefully things won't escalate to this level.
He didn't come home till really late and manage to wake me up in the process. It was another night of not being able to sleep through the night. I will start looking at places this weekend to move into. Moving is contingent on my landing a permenent job.
Posted 4 years ago by SylvesterMiasMomma #
-
Karin, call one of the local women's shelter and talk to them. They may have a line on temporary affordable housing, other women in your situation looking for roommates, free counseling services and financial assistance. They may have ideas that we haven't thought of. You can talk to them confidentially and they can be a valuable resource for you. It wont cost anything more than your time to talk to them. They may also know of lawyers who work at a reduced rate to help get women out of a situation such as yours. The differences betwen you and your husband go down to the base level of how each of you treats people and expects to be treated. Some of this is cultural, yes. But other people have overcome their culture and have built successful relationships while still reataining their sense of self and religion. Your husband is making a choice to not do that and his words and actions are invalidating you as a person. Stay strong with the help of your friends and if ever you feel physically threatened OR intimidated, call 911. Hugs
Posted 4 years ago by KYKAT 12 23 #
-
Hi Karin, when I lived with my ex, he started out being verbally abusive, but lost it once and would have slapped me, if I hadn't backed off. When he calmed down, he claimed he wouldn't have hit me, but I know he would have. After I left him, he once charged at me in public, but a friend stepped in between us and held him off.
I lived a while with Ex after we broke up, and it was just too frustrating for both of us. It's not a good situation to live in, and it'll only get worse, I'm afraid. -
Karin, will you please email me at johnandterri352 at yahoo dot com. I might be able to help
Posted 4 years ago by Bogman, Clark and Andy's mama 2/27 Florida #
-
Did a little research on my lunch break and found that the city I live in has some suggestions. I will try calling some of these agencies to see what direction to move in. I also applied for a personal loan and am waiting to hear from the loan officer as to what they require to approve the loan and if they can approve it. I might have to give the property manager 30 days notice to move since my name is on the lease. I will call them today also to find out. Hopefully that won't be an issue. What is going to make it hard to decide on where to move is having to wait for a job offer. I may decide to move in somewhere on a temporary basis where they allow month to month. We will see.
Posted 4 years ago by SylvesterMiasMomma #
-
Hooray for you, Karin! Now you've taken charge of your life! You can do this!
Posted 4 years ago by Jo in Blairsville #
-
-
Karin, I'm very glad that you're exploring your options.
Just FYI; abusive behavior tends to escalate, as time goes by. It may start out with just verbal abuse, but that can rapidly escalate to physical abuse. I hope that you and Sylvester will figure out a place to stay, temporarily, until you can get a job. Is there temporary work you can obtain?
Also, ask the agencies if they know of any organizations or animal shelters that will foster animals for people who seek the assistance of women's shelters. I know of at least one shelter in my area that will help find a way to foster pets temporarily (months, if needed) for homeless people; they also gently help steer the people to supportive agencies and groups to help them get back on their feet. Happy endings are the best; people who are no longer homeless, being reunited with their beloved pets.
Posted 4 years ago by anncetera2 #
-
-
Karin, it hurts my heart that you are going thru this turmoil. Please call the agencies that you found, and get both you and Sylvester into a safer, calmer environment. Even if you had to share a living place with someone and have your stuff in storage would be better than not knowing what you were walking into each night. We care for you as family, keeping you & Sylvester in thoughts & prayers
Posted 4 years ago by AZDEBRA 5/27 & crew #
-
Husband just threated me tonight with the strangle gesture. I have contacted a friend who says he will lend me some money to move and to forget about the conditional loan approval that I recieved on Friday from banking company. I can stay at his place tonight and will figure out about moving in the next couple of days. I am worried about leaving my cats but will figure it all out. I will update you all tomorrow.
Posted 4 years ago by SylvesterMiasMomma #
-
-
Your husband is dangerous. I wish I lived closer so that I could help, but my prayers will follow you during this time. Don't let your worries about your pets stop you from going. If someone can take the cats temporarily until you get everything straightened out, that is a wonderful thing. Just get away from your husband. Threatening anyone with a "strangle gesture" means he is about to blow.
-
I do live very close and if ANYTHING even BEGINS to feel hinky you give me a call and I will come and get you if we have to do that, OK??
I am very serious, I have a wrecking bar that is a very good persuader against morons, locked doors, and anything else that gets in the way. You will come and stay here if it goes to a point you feel unsafe.
-
Karin;Sorry I'm so late to chime in at this thread,but I consider you and everyone here my friend(s).I've been reading through this and I have to say EVERYONE has given you some solid advice!I would especially point up Instinct's and rainingwolf's responses and keep them close to your heart.My own heart aches for everyone here who is undergoing relationship hell. My own instincts tell me that each of us knows deep down exactly what we need to do. It's just SO DAMN painful to point our eyes up into the Light from the bottom of the muddy,grimy Pit we're crawling around at the bottom of.Take time to listen to the still,small voice inside you pointing out the Way Home.(you'll know it's home when you smell the cookies baking!)>^..^< <---- couldn't resist that one. *headbonks and playful swat*
-
Karin,
Do not fall for morning after remorse.
When he starts saying "I'm sorry", remember a description of his character is not the same as repentance. They always say they are sorry. It is a method of regaining control over you.
When he says it will not happen again. Say "DAMN straight it won't because you are out of the equation. Get LOST stay LOST!".
Do not file "unreconcileable differences". File Mental and emotional abuse and threats of violence. DO NOT GIVE HIM AN OUT.
In fact I would call the INS first then file.
Posted 4 years ago by ailuromaniac #
-
Hi all, I am okay. Several friends are going to help me. They have arranged for him to stay at another friend of his for the next couple of days and they are going to straighten him out. Between Instnct, my sister and two other people who live near by, they will kick his butt if he tries anything. We are going to work this out so that by the end of the week, we will have solution that will be put in place.
Sorry to have scared any of you. I have been sleeping off and on during the day since I couldn't sleep very much during the night. Thank you for all your support.Posted 4 years ago by SylvesterMiasMomma #
-
Karin, are you out of there? With Sylvester? Hope you are in a safe place.
Posted 4 years ago by paulajeanne #
-
Karin, please report back, when you can, from the safer place where you're staying. Please let us know how your cats are doing, too (whether they're with you or with friends). We're very concerned for your safety and well-being.
I'm sure your friends are helping direct you toward the appropriate resources. Since he has threatened you with a "strangle gesture," if I were you, I'd file for an protective order (not sure what it's called in CA legal system). It may not keep him away from you. But if he's so foolish as to come after you, or try to find you, it's an extra bit of "oomph" for the legal system to exercise against him.
Posted 4 years ago by anncetera2 #
-
Karin, glad to hear that friends are ensuring that he stays elsewhere until things are worked out. Sleep and rest because you need it, just from the stress point if nothing else. Please take care and don't feel too much pride or whatever to call those close in vicinity to come running if you need the help; I know you won't, you have great friends both there and here, just had to say it anyways. We care about you lots & bunches even, headbutts & purrs from me and my horde here >^..^< Deb
Posted 4 years ago by AZDEBRA 5/27 & crew #
-
Karin, glad to hear that friends are ensuring that he stays elsewhere until things are worked out. Sleep and rest because you need it, just from the stress point if nothing else. Please take care and don't feel too much pride or whatever to call those close in vicinity to come running if you need the help; I know you won't, you have great friends both there and here, just had to say it anyways. We care about you lots & bunches even, headbutts & purrs from me and my horde here >^..^< Deb
Posted 4 years ago by AZDEBRA 5/27 & crew #
Reply »
You must log in to post.