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31. 

    Leeny,

    If a miracle happened and Mr. Leeny became a man whom you could respect and who treated you well and you were safe and happy, we would rejoice with you! We only want you to be happy, healthy and safe. You have done your part of the equation. I don't doubt that Mr. Leeny might put in an initial effort by moving the TV, helping more around the house and maybe even more. But, once he felt secure in the fact that you would stay, I also don't doubt that he would revert back to his lifetime bad habits. He wont make an effort for his own health and well being and is destroying your health in the process.

    God loves you. He loves Mr. Leeny too. But, he made us thinking beings able to make our own choices. He also gives us Grace and can forgive us anything when we go astray as long as we choose to accept His Grace and make other choices for our lives going forward. God's love for us trancends denomination and anything from the mind or hand of man. I am praying that he give you clear direction and steer your heart and head into making decisions that result in health, happiness, safety and Peace.

    Posted 2 years ago by KYKAT 12 23 #

32. 

    Leeny, you have demonstrated the patience of a saint, and no-one, irrespective of religion, could say that you haven't given your marriage every chance - and then some. I don't wonder than you've been driven to thoughts of hurting yourself, but am relieved that you no longer feel like this. I hope the knowledge that your TDK family will ALWAYS love you gives you strength and courage going forward. {{{hugs}}}

    Posted 2 years ago by MadcatwomanintheUK #

33. 

    Leaving now for the DVPA meeting. Will get a good supper there, and some perspective, too.

    I love TDK.

    Posted 2 years ago by Leeny #

34. 

    We love you too!

    Posted 2 years ago by KYKAT 12 23 #

35. 

    Well, littermates, I don't know what to do. Last night when I got home, Mr. L. had on another one of his melodramas and "suggested" that I go back to the bedroom because he "knew it would upset me" (how considerate). Around 11:00, he brought me "dinner" (I'd already eaten at the meeting, but I didn't mention that to him), which consisted of a bowl of not-quite-dissolved tomato soup and an apple, cut up but with the seeds and core still in it, soaked with margarine and cinnamon but no sugar and warmed up but not cooked. After I'd swallowed the tomato soup (the apple was inedible), I took the tray out to the kitchen and sat down in the living room. THAT was unacceptable; it was time to "settle down and be quiet"! That started him off nagging and yelling until I picked up my pocketbook and work bag and left the house to go back to my office. I got into the car, started it, turned on the headlights--and saw a pair of gold eyes staring out the living room window at me. I turned off the car and went back inside.

    I don't remember how it came up during Mr. L.'s loud attempts to get me to go back to my room like a good girl so he could watch his melodrama a second time, but I ended up telling him some truths about the legal process surrounding divorce--mainly, that he is not entitled to free representation and that he'll have to plunk down a couple thousand dollars for a retainer the same as I do. Well, he went ballistic. He yelled as loud as he could on purpose so that the neighbors would hear him and "know" that I was "provoking him", and he ended up opening the front door so the cats (particularly Penny) could get out--the storm door was closed but it doesn't latch and she can push it open. At that point, I closed the door, took Penny, and went to the bedroom. No one is going to endanger my babies.

    This morning I had the washing machine fixed, which he had broken, and he didn't like my spending the money on that. (The original plan was to pay for a service call today and have it fixed next month, but it cost less than I thought and I wanted to save the extra service call charge.) He also said he had considered overdosing last night and it would be my fault, he's going to have a stroke or heart attack, threatened to cancel his arrangements for the conditions I stated in the therapist's office, and demanded that I tell my psychiatrist how "sick" I've been acting.

    I cannot stay with this man much longer. I need $2000 for the lawyer's retainer, and unless God rains it down on me, I don't know where it's going to come from anytime soon. I have to get out of this situation, but have nowhere to go. Please pray for me that God will show me what to do, because I just don't know.

    Posted 2 years ago by Leeny #

36. 

    {{{Leeny}}} Honey, you'll be in my prayers.

    Posted 2 years ago by Cats4Cats #

37. 

    He is using the manipulative tactics that have worked for him for years. Do not let him get away with it. If he threatens suicide, give him the facts.
    .
    1 It is his choice and you are not forcing him to do anything self destructive,
    2 you know he is just trying to scare you and you aren't in the market for threats
    3 if he tries it you will call the ambulance and have him committed as a danger to himself (if he survives)
    4 it is illegal to attempt suicide in TX and many other states and you think a nice cell with 3 squares is just dandy for him. You will not sign for his bail.
    5 the deal is off even if he straightens up, takes his meds and sees a Dr. and he is the one responsible for breaking the offer.
    6 the next time he so much as raises his voice to you, you will call the cops. (yelling precedes violence and you believe he is threatening you)

    AND FOLLOW THROUGH

    Posted 2 years ago by ailuromaniac #

38. 

    Can I call the police when he starts yelling, AM? Will they get him out of there because of that? He's smart enough to know not to touch me, but he's doing everything short of that.

    Posted 2 years ago by Leeny #

39. 

    Yes he is disturbing the peace if he is yelling loudly enough for the neighbors to hear.

    Tell the cops you feel threatened, that he has a history of violence and is alternating between threats of violence and threats of suicide. You say the neighbors can hear. Talk to them they can be witnesses. They may call for you if you ask.

    Posted 2 years ago by ailuromaniac #

40. 

    (((Leeny)))...You've been through so much with Mr. Leeny *forgive me for wanting to change this to Mr. *W* eeny* but he couldn't have asked for more leeway and consideration from anyone. You've done soooo much to help him turn around and yet he continually thwarts every attempt to reconcile the issues or accept the help he needs for himself. I'm sorry.....Love You.....and am praying for you.

    Posted 2 years ago by Karenopa #

41. 

    I don't know if the neighbors really heard or not; he just stated that he intended for them to hear so that they could be witnesses against ME.

    Years ago, when my mother was still alive and living with us, she raised a hand to slap me. (She had abused me when I was a child/adolescent). I took her by the wrists, pushed her to a sitting position on the couch in front of which we were standing, and told her that she had assaulted me enough as a child and that she was never going to do it again. I said if she ever struck me again, I would kill her. (I know that sounds horrible, but I didn't mean it, and it was based in some horrible experiences.) When I said that, Mr. L. called the police, and I ended up with FOUR cops at my door! I had to leave MY house for the night, and a week or so later, my mother received a letter from a victim's assistance program inviting her to have me arrested and avail herself of their sevices to help HER get over the trauma of having been assaulted by ME! That made me sick. (I asked the first cop who came through the door where they were when she was leaving bruises on me and drawing blood from me. He said he didn't know about that because he'd only been on the force for 4 years.)

    Posted 2 years ago by Leeny #

42. 

    Some ideas... sell everything not nailed down or a necessity even that washing machine (he will probably break it just for spite) You can use a laundromat for your clothes, he can beat his on a rock.
    Clean out every account he has access to cancel any cards with his name. Tell cable you are not paying.
    Talk to the landlord. Maybe you can work out a deal and move out. If he knows he can get say 10% more for an extended time to cover the rent on the original location he will be understanding enough to let you break the lease.
    Consider the self file again...since SfB can not pay a lawyer to fight you might be able to get it through as an uncontested.
    File a classified add that you will not be responsible for any debts other than your own.

    Honey, if I had it I would get the funds to you.

    Posted 2 years ago by ailuromaniac #

43. 

    Oh Leeny! I truly am sorry for what you are going through...it sounds just awful!! Please take care of YOURSELF first and be safe! This sounds like an intolerable situation to me and I pray for you to have the strength to leave....he sounds hopeless to me! {{{{Leeny}}}}

    Posted 2 years ago by katthays #

44. 

    Littermates, I may have found a way out.

    I just called the Social Security Administration to see if Mr. L. and I have to be legally divorced for him to get his SSI back. We do not! SSI is based on HOUSEHOLD income, and if he and I are living in separate households, his benefits can be started again. I get away from Mr. L. and can get together the money for the lawyer much faster.

    I've already talked to my landlord. He does not have any open properties at the moment, but may be buying one soon. I told him to let me know if anything comes open. I may also ask him to refer me to someone else who may have a place for rent.

    Posted 2 years ago by Leeny #

45. 

    Good news! And it sounds like the landlord will work with you. Talk to those neighbors and see if you can enlist them for backup.

    AND, I'd still sell everything not nailed down in the meantime.

    Posted 2 years ago by ailuromaniac #

46. 

    I agree with all that ailuromaniac has mentioned. Those are some really good suggestions. Also, if you cannot afford to get a divorce, what about a legal separation? I believe that is almost the same as a divorce except you are not free to remarry. You might check into that as well.

    Question: What is The Difference Between a Legal Separation and Divorce?

    Answer:
    Unlike divorce, a legal separation does not put an end to the marriage. During a legal separation, you have a court order that outlines the rights and responsibilities of each spouse while they are living apart. You remain legally married while choosing to live separate lives. Issues that can be addressed in a separation agreement are division of assets and debts, child custody and child support, visitation schedules and spousal support.

    The same issues addressed during the divorce process are also addressed in a legal separation agreement. A legal separation can protect your interests until the decision is made to file for divorce. The separation agreement also sets a precedence for the divorce that may follow. If you divorce after a separation and your case goes to court, a judge is likely to assume that since you were satisfied with the legal separation agreement, the agreement should carry over to the divorce settlement agreement. For that reason, it is important that you come to a separation agreement you can live with long term.

    Although a legal separation and divorce have, many things in common there are some advantages to obtaining a legal separation rather than a divorce. Those advantages include:

    It allows couples time apart, away from the conflict of the marriage to decide if divorce is what they truly want.

    It allows for the retention of medical benefits and certain other benefits that divorce would bring to an end.

    If your religious beliefs conflict with the idea of divorce, you are able to live separately and retain your marital status for religious beliefs.

    If you are a military spouse, you may wish to remain married for 10 years so that you can take advantage of benefits set up by the Uniformed Services Former Spouse Protection Act.

    Remaining married for 10 years or more also means being able to take advantage of certain social security benefits for a spouse.

    If the decision to divorce is made, the legal separation agreement can be converted into a divorce settlement agreement.

    http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/separation/f/legal_separatio.htm

    Since state laws vary concerning how to file for a legal separation, it is a good idea to consult a lawyer about your specific situation. You also need to realize that the following states don't formally recognize legal separation: Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Mississippi, Pennsylvania, and Texas. In these states, a post-nuptial agreement or separation agreement can help sort everything out.

    Posted 2 years ago by SylMiaFelixsMomma #

47. 

    Thank you for the information, SMM, but I'm in Georgia and they're one of the states that doesn't recognize legal separation. Besides, I'm the one whose benefits Mr. L. would be taking advantage of (literally)--he has none to offer me--and I can't afford to give him any more than I already have.

    Posted 2 years ago by Leeny #

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