Daily Kitten Chat Forum » General Chat

1. 

   I am nervous having my mother and father at my home Thanksgiving for several hours. they are the only people coming to my home. I don't have any brothers, or sisters,or aunts or uncles, or grandparents. My last grandparent died when I was 5, and I am soon to be 47.

   On Easter of this year, my father nearly committed aggravated assault on me by throttling me by the neck when he became angry because my mother got upset (she totally misread a joke between my father and me). I thought I was going to die...

   May 15th at my docotr's office, they verbally assaulted me by telling me I was the problem in the family. I have been trying for years to convince them we have family problems. And that we should try to solve them together.

   Since these events, I deliberately have a shallow relationship with both of them, which is all I can tolerate for now.

   So, today I sent them a list of rules for Thanksgiving Day. I want to see them, but I don't want any problems. Here is the email I sent. What do you think ??? I am trying to be as diplomatic and friendly as possible...

   Mom and Dad, I am nervous about having the two of you in my home thursday, so please:

   1. take your shoes off to enter the livingroom, please. I do this to keep the carpet clean. thank you.

   and here's the biggie -

   2. let's not have any "deep" discussions, or lectures, or criticisms or verbal "help" of any kind. i am still hurting about what happened easter Sunday 2007 and may 15th 2007 in and out of my doctor's office. and until I can deal with it without getting upset or angry or nasty, those things must not happen...

   let's keep the day "light" and pleasant for everyone...please

   love you both,
   cjh

   Posted 4 years ago by CSBM #

2. 

   I think that's a great idea, Cheri. I totally understand where you are coming from. I can't stand being around my family - I love them, but they always find a way to stress me out. So I think you're doing the right thing. Good luck, and remember, you have a TDK family that loves you.

   ((((HUGS))))

   hm

   Posted 4 years ago by HuddysMama #

3. 

   Cheri, the email sounds just right, but remember, your parents "may" take it the wrong way and assume (I hate that word) that you are critizing them. Smile, sweetie and drink lots of Bailey's or wine! That will help! and remember we love you here!

   Posted 4 years ago by Bogman, Clark and Andy's mama 2/27 Florida #

4. 

   I think ground rules and boundaries are 100% necessary. You have laid out your expectations. If they feel you are out of line, they can have their turkey elsewhere. Please... for your well being, stick to the rules. If you feel you are in any danger, ask them to leave. If they don't, call the police for help.

   I wish you well my friend. Oh.. are there any single people that you know that have no where to go for Thanksgiving? You might consider adding people... may force your parents to 'behave.' Just an idea

   Posted 4 years ago by 2 Popoki #

5. 

   Cheri, I can understand your concerns. Is there any way you can have even 1 friend with you throughout the day, as a referee of some sort? If you have any qualms at all or if they are 'put off' by the email--UNINVITE them and protect yourself. They might be angry with this, but you need to put yourself and your safety above everything else.

   Posted 4 years ago by FondaHonda #

6. 

   I am trying to find people to invite, just for that very reason, but not successful yet...

   Posted 4 years ago by CSBM #

7. 

   Cheri, you make the rules in your own home. No one else does.

   You might consider a door mat that thoroughly scrapes the bottoms of shoes of your guests, in case they feel a little uneasy removing their shoes. But again, it's your choice in your home.

   I also think it's wise when entertaining, to have made a short list ahead of time of some current events, or a few light topics you could nonchalantly ease into, without it seeming too contrived.

   Good luck, Cheri! I'll say a special prayer for you that you have a lovely day with your parents!

   Posted 4 years ago by Jo in Blairsville #

8. 

   Cheri, I am amazed you are willing to give them a third chance. If they respond to your email with anything remotely negative, I would call the whole thing off and maybe spend the day volunteering at a shelter or nursing home. Popokie has a good idea about inviting other people over as well. Where are you Cheri? I would love to have you come over to the Chaos that is my families Thanksgiving if you are in striking distance of Louisville.

   Posted 4 years ago by KYKAT 12 23 #

9. 

   I understand you concern, Cheri. Would it be possible for you to have a Thanksgiving together in a restaurant instead of in your home? If not, is there a friend or friends you can invite to join you so you will feel safe? Your parents might feel less inclined to air family issues in front of strangers.

   If over-consumption of alcohol is an issue that tends to aggravate conflicts, consider not making any available on Thanksgiving.

   Good luck, Cheri. I hope all goes well. Take good care of yourself and let us know how it goes! {{{hugs}}}

   Posted 4 years ago by Kitten Whisperer #

10. 

    I am sorry to hear of your stress, Cheri. You are within your rights to send them the email stating your wishes for a peaceful holiday. If they refuse or mis-interpret your email, let them back out. I would rather you be safe, than risk your life. We here all love you and please let us know what the final plans for the day will be. Stay safe. Hugs, purrs and love, Lynn

    Posted 4 years ago by Lynn from PA 6/8 #

11. 

    Cheri, I can totally relate. I think you did the right thing, but similar efforts on my part with my family did not work out well. Have you read the book
    Boundaries? You have a right to set that boundary. It took me forever to see that myself.

    Posted 4 years ago by Catwoman #

12. 

    Definitely a good idea about getting somebody else in--people are a LOT better behaved in front of others.

    You're a brave woman, Cheri! Good luck and all good thoughts headed your way.

    Posted 4 years ago by AnnF #

13. 

    Your house, your rules. But for your safety, have at least 1 additional guest. If you can have 2 or 3 so you out number them, better. People do not like to appear badly behaved in front of witnesses. If the additional eyes do not promote civility, you have immediate protection.

    Sweety, honoring your parents does not mean you have to entertain them or be their whipping child. Personally, I'd stop with the holiday family events. Sounds like they too closely resemble the Main Event at the Golden Gloves. That is what Hallmark is for. The phone is for checking on their health and well being. Let them hang up on you and blow it off if your "not coming around or having them over" offends.

    If you feel you must see them, public places like you would use for meeting strangers is your ticket. Treat them to a nice dinner or show, have a limo pick them up and have your own escort at these outings.

    If they act hurt or humiliated, tell them you will gladly meet them at the counselers office at their initiation and expense. If they want change they will have to make it happen.

    Posted 4 years ago by ailuromaniac #

14. 

    I think Cheri is trying to establish a working relationship with her parents --something she hasn't had to date.

    I agree you don't have to do this, Cheri. But I also think if you take charge of the gathering, you will be successful. I think setting the ground rules was very assertive. Again, you can orchestrate the event for your safety and to your liking. Keep your cell phone at hand and put 911 on speed dial.

    You deserve to have Thanksgiving with family like everyone else. Do this for you, not them. Show them what you're made of!

    Posted 4 years ago by Jo in Blairsville #

15. 

    If you can't wrangle up an additional guest (or 3 or 4), you might consider having Thanksgiving dinner at a nice restaurant. Even better if you can arrange to meet them there. That way, you are in a public place (and they will be less likely to start something), and if things start to feel "hinky," you can just leave. Just a thought....

    Posted 4 years ago by gatakitty #

16. 

    Cheri, I'm not sure I would have such parents over to my home without other people there (to act as witnesses, if nothing else). If you cannot find anyone else to be there, I strongly recommend that you treat your folks to a lovely dinner out at one of the finer restaurants around; abusive people are less likely to behave inappropriately in public places.

    Alcohol will likely exacerbate any tendencies to behave or speak inappropriately. Be aware of this, if either of your parents indulges - or overindulges.

    There are many, many things you can say to deflect conversation the direction you'd like it to go. You may feel like a fake doing some of them, but when all else fails, get your folks to talk about themselves. Most people like to talk about themselves, their lives, and their interests. The best way to keep the conversation going that direction is to appear fascinated by what they choose to share with you.

    If you need to deflect the conversation, to gradually get it back to a direction you'd prefer, some manners of deflection go something like...

    "Oh, I don't know; I really am not well informed on (that topic). I'm a bit more familiar with (insert your own topic here)." Keep in mind you can use this to deflect them back toward a topic they'll talk about at great length.

    "Really? Why is that?"

    "How interesting."

    "Is that so?"

    "I wasn't aware of that."

    "I'm sure I wouldn't know."

    "Oh, I really don't have an opinion about that."

    When veering too close to criticizing you personally, "It's so nice of you to take such an interest." (Then immediately change the topic.)

    "That's a personal matter." (Then immediately deflect the topic.)

    "I'd rather not discuss that." Then immediately switch to a better topic.

    Good luck!

    Posted 4 years ago by anncetera2 #

17. 

    I agree with what several people have mentioned which is either find someone to invite or if no one is available, have your thanksgiving at a local restaurant. I do not think you should have your parents with you alone in your home after your father almost strangling you to death. I am amazed at your strength, perservance, and tough love in your trying to reach out to your parents once again. I thought I had it tough with my divorce proceedings but at least find that sometimes my parents are supportive (they flip flop between supportive and not wanting to know what is going on with my life) and a sister who is very supportive.

    Sending you hugs, mental reinforcements, and purrs.

    Posted 4 years ago by SylvesterMiasMomma #

18. 

    Cheri;
    After all the wonderful answers and SOUND advice given by our beautiful group here,I would just want to add my voice to offer you ALL the moral and spiritual support you need and then some!! Take every bit of encoragement and precaution to heart,dear woman.I pray for your Mom and Dad's enlightenment and all reconciliations, but I think you deserve a satisfying holidaytime either WITH or without them if it becomes necessary.We're here for you,as you can see! :)

    Posted 4 years ago by Tigger #

19. 

    Cheri...you don't get better advice than that which I've just witnessed here..the only thing I can think to add would be to share a bit of the Bailey's and wine with the folks right at the onset..NOT too much...don't need a brawl..just relax and remember the best qualities about each of them. Maybe even remind them of the qualities you do find of value. If you can't find any....well..Long distance phone calls and cards in the mail should suffice just fine. Good Luck Cheri.I hope it goes smoothly..Remember to BREATHE....

    Posted 4 years ago by Karenopa #

20. 

    Cheri, you have made great strides in wanting to heal a rather broken relationship with your parents. I remember when the last incident happened and you told us how crushed you were by the event(s). The list of rules is an excellent idea on your behalf, I would hope that they honored your wishes. Being that it is a still just a short amount of time since the May event, I would take some of the wonderful advice given up above, having someone over to prevent your parents from bullying you into a response that you are working at not having or even better, take them out to dinner at a nice restaurant. Nice meal, conversation about light topics, no dishes, and then everyone goes to their respective abodes. Good luck with it all, you know you have friends here @ TDK and we are praying for you.

    Posted 4 years ago by AZDEBRA 5/27 & crew #

21. 

    I might have mentioned this is in another post a while back. It bears repeating...There are a couple of books out there that might be useful even if you don't have time to get them and read them before Thursday.

    "I'm Ok, You're My Parents" Dale Atkins, Ph.D.
    http://www.amazon.com/Im-OK-Youre-Parents-Relationship/dp/0805073531/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1195512258&sr=1-8

    Any of the "Verbal Self Defence" books starting with the first one:

    http://www.amazon.com/Gentle-Art-Verbal-Self-Defense-Work/dp/0735200890/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1195512428&sr=1-1

    If the link doesn't work, copy and paste the whole thing or do search on Amazon.

    Networker

    Posted 4 years ago by Networker #

22. 

    I have to agree with everyone. Invite some friends and/or neighbors over for a while. Even if they can come for an hour or so at different times or just stop by to say hi. The holidays are always stressful. I'm dreading Thursday too. I'm going to memorize anncetera2's list of replys and get a copy of the books Networker mentioned. Cheri keep your shoulders back, your held high and take a deep breath. We'll be there as your virtual family giving you hugs all day long.

    Posted 4 years ago by Mittens #

23. 

    Cheri, I've read what some of the other TDKers said about wanting to heal a broken relationship with your parents. In a relationship, however, healing has to come from both sides. I know that it is particularly difficult to accept this when dealing with one's parents; they are the people we have known the longest, and our attitudes toward ourselves are rooted in their attitudes and behaviors toward us.

    My own opinion is that anyone who has assaulted you--and your father didn't almost assault you, he DID assault you--should not be in your home, parents or not. No one has the right to harm you.

    In my own experience, some deprivation of company turned my relationship with my parents around. For most of my life, my parents were psychiatrically ill (they recovered about 5 years before my father died) and the relationships with them involved abuse, too. At one point during my young adulthood, I decided I'd had enough, and removed myself from their lives. For several years, we had no contact with each other, and I was the extra single person that people invited over for Thanksgiving. We re-established contact when my mother invited me over for dinner, and treated me very respectfully. She had learned that she had to treat me decently if she ever wanted to see me again. Perhaps your parents need that kind of jolt, too.

    Just please remember, NO ONE has the right to hurt you. Please protect yourself.

    Posted 4 years ago by Leeny #

24. 

    Thank you for all your posts, and all your advice. I am praying too that all goes relatively smoothly...and BTW for what it's worth. none of the three of us has ever had an out of control experience with alcohol, my dad and I are diabetics, so we very rarely drink, mom does like her beer, gets a LITTLE silly, but doesn't drink and drive...

    Posted 4 years ago by CSBM #

25. 

    Cheri, I just finished reading this thread, and I agree that everyone has some solid advise.
    I just want to reiterate that 1st: protect yourself from any and all physical danger, and 2: protect yourself from emotional abuse.
    You have more than every right to set boundaries, but you must stick to them.
    I will be thinking of you on Thursday, when we are with our family of choice for dinner - our church family, and am sending positive and protective energy your way.
    I hope you can enjoy the day, but if it ends up less than preferred, you can always start your own holiday traditions.
    Hugs and purrs.

    Posted 4 years ago by artistabobbi TX 1/17 #

26. 

    Cheri dear, I have read through all this thread. I have read your thoughts and your answer. It seems to me you think yo have to take this abuse for the sole reason that they are your parents and that you love them. No one has the right to throttle you Cheri, no one, not even your father.
    Plese remember that you are VERY worth loving. You are a wonderful woman, sweet, gentle and very smart. If your parents can't see that it is their loss sweetie. Nothing you can do will make them stop hurting you, there is none so blind as those who choose not to see.
    So be strong, feel sure of yourself and if you decide to go through this (you really don't have to), make it a short dinner, keep conversation to the weather and keep in mind that they are the ones that are misguided.
    Love you Cheri, take care please.

    Posted 4 years ago by PipasMumSpain #

27. 

    Cheri, I want to explain my reasons for feeling you should have Thanksgiving at home, when the majority feel you should go out. I've never been one to agree with the popular majority just for the sake of agreement.

    I've learned the hard way --- through painful experience --- to fearlessly and offensively confront demons with confidence, rather than with fear and defensiveness.

    First, the reason I mentioned getting a shoe-scraping door mat instead of having older guests remove their shoes, is because people getting on in age don't have good balance walking barefoot on carpet.

    Second, if you go to a restaurant, it's the same thing as saying, "I don't want you in my home again because I'm afraid of you for what you did."

    If you have your parents in for Thanksgiving (seriously taking all measures of safety precautions, of course), it's saying, "Even though your behaviour was out of line and you endangered me last time you were here, that will never happen again, because I've taken control of my life, I'm not afraid of you, we're a family, so let's move on." The demon is confronted from a confident stance.

    If we let others control our behavior (as in having to go to a restaurant instead of eating Thanksgiving dinner at home), they will always control us and they win. This is the perfect opportunity for you to take control and show your father you are not afraid of him. Enough is enough.

    So keep some pepper spray in your pocket, stay in control of the conversation, and sit at your own dining room table and have a beautiful Thanksgiving feast. In spite of your father, not in fear of him.

    I'll be praying for you.

    Posted 4 years ago by Jo in Blairsville #

28. 

    Cheri, it'a also a fact that a background of low-volume, soft instrumental-only music is soothing. That's why it's used in spas. Try it. It can't hurt.

    Posted 4 years ago by Jo in Blairsville #

29. 

    Hi Cheri,

    There is loads of good words and advice. I think the e-mail was a good idea. It may cause your parents to think before they act. Hopefully anyway. We may dearly love our parents, but they may not always be people who we would chose as friends. By trying to be as gracious as you are..when they are gone, you will have no regrets on what you tried to do

    Posted 4 years ago by peppercat28 #

30. 

    Cheri, sorry to sound like such a witch, but are you sure you want them in your house at all?

    Go to a restaurant where you've automatically got protection from other people, as Ann suggested in a note above. And yes, you can make a reservation even at this late date. The presence of others will limit their comments.

    Then go home, say a quick prayer for having gotten through this, and let us know how it went.

    For heaven's sake, dear, please don't let them in your house. Please. They sound like unpleasant people who have a lovely daughter. You are wonderful, and they are not.

    Posted 4 years ago by Emma #

RSS feed for this topic

Reply »

You must log in to post.