While I was at work the boys stay with my sister. They went to a couple stores today, and my oldest stole a toy. He was not caught, but my sister thought she saw him. They went into another store and he pulled the toy out to show his brother and my sister confronted him. He denied it, until she told him that she saw him do it. Of course then he admitted it. He has never done anything like this before that I know of and I have no idea how to deal with this. How would you guys deal with this? HELP PLEASE!
Daily Kitten Chat Forum » General Chat
NEED ADVICE! URGENT
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Hi Julie!
I don't know if this helps at all. I used to watch a friend's kids a few times a week and I would take them around with me if I had errands to run and stuff. One day the younger one stole a toy from a store and I didn't find out til we got back to the house. I drove him back to the store and made him give it back and apologize. He was so upset and embarassed, he never did it again - at least when I took him somewhere.
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DM, I am at a loss for this one since I have not yet had to deal with this, but he must know there has to be reprecussions to his actions. I would take him back to the store and have him return it and explain that he stole it. I know that would stop me from ever doing that again. Not to mention on top of that, a grounding or some sort of punishment.
Posted 2 years ago by cricketsmama #
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It would probably be enough to take him back to the store and make him talk to the manager, return the toy and apologize. Try to talk to the manager first so that you can be sure they will take the item back and talk seriously to your son. When the manager says, "Oh, thanks for being honest, now you can keep the toy.", it sends a very bad message to the child.
I would suggest calling the store and finding out if they have a security department. If they do and they can show your son the cameras, their handcuffs and anything else they have to do their job, it should scare the snot out of him.
You would be best off making an appointment to return the toy. (I speak from years of working retail.)
If the store isn't big enough to put the fear of #$%^&*# into him, then try the police station. The problem with going there first is that so many school districts have unreasonable, uncompromising and extremely strict policies now. You don't want this to come back and bit him later. You just want him to realize that 1)stealing is unacceptable and 2) he's going to get caught if he tries it again.
When you get home with him after returning the toy, ask him why he took it. You need to be sure it was just an impulse and not that he's trying to fit in with an undesirable group. If he's feeling deprived and just wanted a new toy, maybe you can help him find some ways to earn pocket money. (yard work, pet walking, babysitting, etc.)
It might also be a really good idea to look up Big Brothers or whatever similar organizations you have available in your new city. Or maybe a near by church has a vacation bible school he can attend. Even if it's not your chosen faith, if he can find an older boy to look up to, it might help him make it through what has to be a difficult time for him.
Posted 2 years ago by CheetahBoysmommy #
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I agree with all of the posters, but especially with CBM. It may be time for some tough love in this situation and someone to help him after this. This, by all means, is no reflection on you. He could be acting out from the move and his abiltiy to fit in now in the new environment. Keep us posted on this outcome. Much love to you and yours, Mama Lynn, Hugs all around.
Posted 2 years ago by Lynn from PA 6/8 #
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Julie, to confront him and ask "Why did you do this?" and if he were to say, "I don't know" - well, you have to accept that. Don't let anyone tell you not to take that as an answer because truly, he doesn't know. For anyone to tell you that means that they have absolutely no understanding of the situation and all of the implications here. That is a "quick fix" answer that fixes nothing.
We are very, very close to a young Army officer and have known him since he was a junior in high school. After he graduated from a very prestigious military academy, where he was very high in the cadet chain of command, he underwent a huge turmoil. He learned that his parents were having difficulty and might be divorcing. Family to this young man was everything. And so he lashed out in a way that he, subconsciously, thought would garner attention. He stole an article of hardly any monetary value from a PX. When everyone asked him why, he truthfully said that he didn't know. But Mr. WWM and I, who have known him and loved him as our own for years, knew. It was the only way he could think of to get the attention of his parents.
Julie, your son needs counseling, not scolding. This is his way of outwardly demonstrating what he is feeling inside. He just doesn't know any other way of stating it.
He needs love and reassurance. Not punishment. He is crying for help.
Posted 2 years ago by WillowandWindismom #
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Agree 100% with CBM.
I just want to add DM, that this is likely in part "acting out" for all that he has been through these past few months. We think that maybe kids are unaffected, especially boys as they don't talk as much as most girls, but truth is, kids are very sensitive to changes in their family structure. Maybe you could seek counseling through his new school or have a one on one conversation with the school counselor to be to keep a close eye on him.
DM, hate to tell you this, but I think this is another indication why all of the previous comments on your post about being alone are totally on target. Please take the time not only for yourself, but also for your kids to settle in as a stable family of 3 before more drama or upheaval.Posted 2 years ago by Tigerlilly #
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You read my mind WWM :)
Posted 2 years ago by Tigerlilly #
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DM I work with his age group. I agree with CBM that he must return the item. If he doen't learn right now that this can not be done the behavior will continue. You will get a call that he is being booked for theft. Right now he is young, although plenty old enough to know that what he did was wrong. Wait too long and he will be in serious trouble. I fear that most that end up in Juvenile Detention just learn to be better at what landed then there. My prayers are with you-it is hard making them face consequences.
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Hi Daisy,
I agree with willowandwindismom. Sometimes kids will steal when something is disturbing/ upsetting them. I'm not saying this to alarm you; it might only be that he was struck by an impulse, he really, really wanted that toy, he has a friend who's done the same thing, he saw something on tv... etc...
But sometimes kids steal when they feel something is out of contol in their lives. This can be a way of regaining some control, or 'paying back' authority if they feel let down by an adult.
I'd definitely set the limits, but maybe try to keep the anger down and let him know that your major feeling is worry for him. Tell him if there's anything at all worrying him, he can talk to you - even if he doesn't feel like talking right now. And keep your eyes open for any other changes in mood, or people he wants to avoid.
Good luck. Hopefully it was just a silly thing that won't be repeated
Posted 2 years ago by sharbimillionaire #
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Exactly,SarbiM. Well stated.
Posted 2 years ago by WillowandWindismom #
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What a wealth of thoughtful comments and suggestions. I am so proud to be a member of this cyberfamily! :)
Good luck with this situation, DM. I hope you are able to sit down calmly with your son and talk to him about what he did and that he must return the item and apologize for taking it. Let him know that you will go with him to support him in doing the right thing.
I think this is a symptom of some other issue he is struggling with. See if he will open up with you about what he is feeling right now about the move, your split with his step-dad, his own father not wanting to see him this summer and how he feels about you dating. He has suffered a lot of losses recently and may be worried that he is about to see you get into another problematic relationship. He truly has no control over what is happening to him and, as others have said, this may be his way of trying to get some control of part of his life, even if it is in a negative way.
Much love to you and the boys. I hope you are able to work through this difficult time.
Posted 2 years ago by Kitten Whisperer #
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I agree with the others, that he is acting out and needs some professional intervention and also I agree (and I haven't been around to know what you went through) that spending some time, a good 6-12 months on YOU and your kids would be well worth it. Loneliness is terrible, I know. But is another bad relationship or the sacrifice of your children's future worth it? (and I'm not suggesting you should ignore yourself, but looks like you have a lot on your plate right now as do your kids). It's not an easy situation. You and the boys will remain in my thoughts and prayers. {{{{Julie}}}}
Posted 2 years ago by Jetta and Boo Boo's Mom #
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From one parent to another there are many degrees of acting out. And some of these actions are just a kid finding his boundries! When my son was about 7 or 8 he and 2 friends did just the same thing (they do pick up things like this from tv or school). Myself and the mother of the other 2 boys sat them on the couch and told them to sit, no talking and made them wait. While they sat, us two moms called our local police department explained the situation and asked if they had an officer availible to come to our home and speak with the boys. They were more than happy to help and within 10 mins 2 officers showed up. One Good Cop and One Bad Cop. Most of it was all handled by Bad Cop who paced back and forth in front of the boys on the couch, clicking his handcuffs as he paced. He put on his version of Scared Straight, and then after about 1/2 hour or longer talk he stepped aside and let Good Cop bring the boys back down and give them the one mistake doesn't make you a bad person, it's what you do from here on out speach. That was 20 years ago and since that day any one of those 3 boys could be trusted with an unlocked bank vault!!!
Acting this way is a red flag, pay attention act quickly and firmly and then watch closely. Chances are his actions are part of testing his limits and could be something that he heard about from someone in his new environment. Either way, make sure you don't ignore it, but also don't over react! Don't give off the signal that something is mentally wrong with him, he is a child and he made a mistake! Make sure he is aware of how serious behavior like is, and that one mistake can be forgiven as long as it's not repeated... I would seriously consider calling the local police dept and ask if they would help you Nip this in the Butt!!!Remember he is a child !! Children make mistakes, only important thing is that you make sure they learn from the mistakes and don't repeat them.
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Hi I need help I have a cat her name is Che and I beleive that she is sick at this current time and I cannot afford the vet cost because Iwas recently laid off from myu job I am going crazy because I am a huge animal lover and I don't like to see my cat be sick and I can't do anything about it I feel like she is lookig at me like "mommy please help me" i don't know what to do they don't have any financail aid programs in harford county maryland where I live I have got on the internet to try to find some websites to see if I can get the help but it seems like when I get down to applying I don't ever meet one of there criterias and it's very frustrating because all the while my cat is sick I don't know what to do does anyone have any advice I Just recently got laid off I just can't afford it
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DM, It is hard to raise kids and 12-year old boys can be rough. Patience, love, time, attention, communication and humor are all needed in abundance. Financial circumstances may have played a role in his actions along with all the other factors in your life right now. Kids pick up on the stresses of the parents and he may have felt that he couldn't ever ask for a toy because of the money.
Do you think the security manager at the Wal-mart where you work would let your boys shadow him one day. Hopefully if he sees how hard they look for shop-lifters and hears about how they are prosecuted it will make him realize that it was a fluke and a blessing that he didn't get busted.There should be consequences for his actions, but hopefully this will open up some lines of communication between you and your sons. With all that you all have been through, you might want to consider regular family talk/planning sessions. Kids fear and react to what they don't understand. The unknown is so frightening. I am the youngest of 6 kids and money was often tight for my parents. My mom was a good explainer and brought us in on some aspects of family financial planning. We learned about not being able to have somethings in the short term so that we could save to have or do things later. Instead of pool memberships and vacations like my friends, we went into the Smokie Mountain National park and swam in the rivers and we went camping. Mom and dad always emphasized that as long as we had a roof over our heads, food for the table and each other that we were doing great! Looking back, I do not miss the extras because I had more of my parents time than my friends had of theirs. Give your boys your time and regard now and that is what they will treasure later.
You are a good mom and right now you are just in a rough patch. It will get better once you get into the swing of things and you will raise your boys to be good men.
Posted 2 years ago by KYKAT 12 23 #
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Bluu, You are not alone! Many people are finding themselves in the same position. Stay calm and start calling local animal rescues and shelters. They will know what help is available locally. Many areas have independant organizations that help with just this sort of thing, but for obvious reasons do not advertise. Your local rescues and shelters however will have this information and can usually give you the phone number to several different places to try. Many are over whelmed right now so don't stop trying if you are turned away at first. If you find no help out of the first list, call another shelter or rescue organization and get a list from them.
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