So I have a tough situation. My father-in-law adopted a girl as a baby. She is now 6. I have a 5 year old girl. The 6 year old is just awful and is a bad influence. I want my 5 yr old to stay away from her, but then that would mean she couldn't go around her grandparents. I'm really happy that they tried to give her a better life, but I am just lost on how to deal. Any suggestions?
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Need parenting advice...
(9 posts)-
Posted 7 months ago by linksboomerang #
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What kind of problems does the 6-year-old have? Is she just spoiled and not given any discipline or limits? Or does she have problems stemming from a druggie mother or other unavoidable handicap?
If she's just a spoiled brat, there's not much you can do except tell your husband he has to talk to his parents about it. Or invite them to your house and make it extremely clear to both your in-laws and the child that in your house she must follow your rules. Tell her, within her parents' hearing, exactly what she can and can't do and show her where the time-out chair is so she'll know what the consequences are.
If the child has a disorder that needs to be treated (medically or psychologically, it would be a favor to both the child and your in-laws to ask them what you can do to help. Could you take her to her doctor's appts, talk to the school, help her with her exercises? If she's seeing a therapist, maybe the therapist could give you some suggestions to help you deal with her.
If nothing works and/or the in-laws aren't willing to help, your first duty is to your daughter. It won't hurt your daughter to be around someone who misbehaves, as long as you make it clear to her it's not acceptable behaviour for her to imitate. If your daughter is in physical damage, you have every right to prevent contact.
Posted 7 months ago by CheetahBoysmommy #
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I would say supervised visits.
You are setting expectations of behavior and you have the right to enforce them. Tell your 5 yr old that it doesn't matter if her adoptive aunt wants to tear up and have tantrums (or whatever),but it is not acceptable for her to follow along. Have an appropriate reward ready to treat her with after she has had a set number of visits without violating behavior rules. Start small, small reward for one good visit and reward every good visit. Later increase the reward value and the number of consecutive good visits to earn the reward. A set reward has to be earned before the next reward is negotiated.
Remember it has to be something important to your child that she really will want to earn.
This is no more bribery than you having to work for a paycheck.Posted 7 months ago by ailuromaniac #
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I agree with the above... when my daughter started kindergarten, she started picking up some undesirable habits, and I had to deal with them at home, since I could not control the classroom. You pattern and teach appropriate bahavior an speech to overcome the other influences. At least in this situation, you might be able to affect the problem source as well. And your child will learn how to distinguich good influences from bad, which is a critical life skill!
Posted 7 months ago by nawlins catmom #
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First off all thanks for your comments!
Its all a really tough situation. Auntie, I'll call her, was from a drug mother. My husbands dad had her from birth though. The real mother never had her and then commited suicide. Auntie's adopted mother, husbands step, is lazy. Simple as that. She lays in bed all day and Auntie often has to fix her own meals...for example for breakfast she has a brownie and a pepsi. She has had absolutley no guidance whatsoever. I do give my 5 yr old talks as soon as she comes through the door because when she has been around her it takes me about 3 days to get her back to normal. I keep telling myself that she isn't going around her any more, but then I keep giving in because that is her grandparents and I like the time to myself. I think I'm just going to have to have a talk with husbands dad and explain it as nice as possible.
Posted 7 months ago by linksboomerang #
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If she is 6 she should be heading to school soon - maybe that will help! Grandparents are important in a child's life, so I hope you can work out a solutionl... Good luck!
Posted 7 months ago by nawlins catmom #
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You have no obligation to this child, but she might benefit from having a caring adult female mentor her. If you invited the child to visit, you could supervise her and show her how people can behave appropriately. It would be such a kindness to a child who has no control over who her birth mother was and how her present family is raising her. Just a thought.
Posted 7 months ago by Kitten Whisperer #
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That is a great idea of being a mentor. She is always making me so upset I can't focus on possibly helping her. She is in school, but it has made things worse. Plus they are holding her back.
Posted 7 months ago by linksboomerang #
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As odd as this may seem, you both might benefit from having her spend more time with you, rather than less.
My parents were somewhat relaxed (not sloppy, but not very structured). My grandmother was regimented but loving. I looked forward to spending a couple weeks with her every summer because of the limits she set. My time with her had structure and rules, and I knew there were things that I just wasn't going to be able to ignore (washing my hands before dinner, making my bed, etc.)
While it would have made me bats to live with grandmother all the time, the lessons she gave me (self-discipline, doing chores before you got the reward, having a schedule, etc) have stayed with me half a century.
So, little auntie may actually blossom if you provided her with a no-nonsense but loving household to spend time in. And, if she made you totally bonkers within 24 hours, you could take her home.
Posted 7 months ago by CheetahBoysmommy #
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