Daily Kitten Chat Forum » Purrs

31. 

    Leeney, maybe it is time to stop giving him an allowance and make him earn any penny he gets out of you, minus the medical expenses, etc. He is going to be cut off soon anyway, so why not start now? If he does something on his chore list, then pay him by the chore. I know you have in the past balked at treating him like a child, but if he is going to act like one then that is the consequence of his own actions.

    The time is coming near, I am praying that God give you the strength you will need to get out.

    Posted 2 years ago by KYKAT 12 23 #

32. 

    Tomorrow is Mr. L.'s appointment with the therapist, and I am planning on taking part in it. (I've told that to Mr. L., and he did not object; I think he'd rather I bring up the subject of a referral to a private psychiatrist so that he won't have to do it.)

    My thinking about our relationship has finally crystallized, and the first sign I saw of it came immediately after the wedding ceremony. The wedding party went from the sanctuary directly into the pastor's office. When we got in there, Mr. L. immediately sat down in a chair in a far corner of the room while the wedding party congratulated me--alone. I got the weirdest feeling that I had just gotten married alone.

    Well, littermates, that is exactly what happened. I am married; he is not. I am his wife; he is not my husband. My life has changed drastically as a result of marrying him; his life has not changed at all. The first thing out of his mouth when I tell him about something that bothers me is, "My parents never minded that." When I have discussed with him the possibility of divorce, he launches into his perceptions of his sister's responsibility to take care of him. He is still his parents' son and his sister's brother, but he has never become my husband.

    This is what I will tell him tomorrow in the presence of the therapist. If he replies, as he usually does when I express dissatisfaction about our relationship, that no one ever taught him how to be a husband, I will tell him that now is the time to learn. I will tell him that I am no longer willing to live like this, and that there are two alternatives: either he will become my husband, or I will stop being his wife.

    Posted 2 years ago by Leeny #

33. 

    KYKAT, his financial arrangements may be changing soon anyway for reasons over which I have no control. The pointless furloughs on which I'm going to be sent starting in October will cost me at least $200 a month. The first thing that's going to be adjusted will be the spending money.

    Posted 2 years ago by Leeny #

34. 

    Leeny,

    I am sorry but "I will tell him that I am no longer willing to live like this, and that there are two alternatives: either he will become my husband, or I will stop being his wife." Gives him too much power over you. Promises to be broken as soon as you let down your guard.....

    No, you must say."I am no longer willing to live like this, and it is too late for your empty promises and excuses. I am not your keeper, your mother or by your own actions, your wife."

    Posted 2 years ago by ailuromaniac #

35. 

    Leeny, I agree with Ailuromaniac; you've given him more chances than he deserves. You know what you need to do.

    {{{Leeny}}}

    Posted 2 years ago by Kilroy #

36. 

    I know, littermates, I know this isn't going to work. He's going to resist and come up with umpteen excuses why he can't do it or why my expectations are unreasonable. I'm still getting my plan together for the lease and the safe place after he's served. I just thought that, in the meantime, I'd offer him a very specific choice in front of a witness.

    Posted 2 years ago by Leeny #

37. 

    I understand Leeny but "start being a husband" is kind of vague,there's a lot of wiggle room there. Maybe you can have or already have a list of specific task(s) for documentation purposes. [[[[Leeny]]]] I know it's hard.

    Posted 2 years ago by Buttercup #

38. 

    I have specific expectations that I will share at the meeting or at home, Buttercup. I've already told him one: shut off the blamed TV and spend time every day doing something (crafts, playing a board game, putting together a puzzle, listening to me read to him, taking a walk) with me without the television in the middle of it.

    Posted 2 years ago by Leeny #

39. 

    I too agree with ailuromaniac. I hope you can find the strength to move on from this toxic relationship. You have given him so many chances and he has thrown them all away. I know it is scary to end a marriage what with my having to do so with my marriage, but you must end it if he is a person who uses violence against you, doesn't follow through on promises and cannot be a responsible adult. It is a toxic relationship that only brings you stress and trouble. Life is difficult enough without having this kind of stress in your life. I know you will get through this and hope that you take care of yourself first. Sending you some hugs.

    Posted 2 years ago by SylMiaFelixsMomma #

40. 

    if it's yours, how about getting rid of the television ?

    Posted 2 years ago by CSBM #

41. 

    Well, the meeting with the therapist didn't happen. He no-showed. On Friday I got the first of a number of decreased paychecks I'm going to be getting this fiscal year (this one was due to an overcorrection I made in my federal tax withholding, but when the furloughs start, I'll probably be getting a similar amount). He demanded to know how much spending money he was going to get, and when I told him, he (in his words) "collapsed" and "wasn't able to" go to the appointment. I went anyway to give her a payment she was owed. We talked for a little while. She's ready to dismiss him from her practice, and I told her I'm getting a divorce. She was very nice to me, and told me how sorry she was that things didn't work out better. (She was working at the hospital where Mr. L. and I met in 1997, and we've both known her since then).

    Over the weekend, I told Mr. L. for the first time that divorce is likely, not just possible. I told him the kinds of government benefits that he is likely to get. I pointed out to him that he doesn't like our duplex anyway, couldn't afford the rent, and would be left without utilities when I transferred them to a new residence of my own, so it would be to his advantage to move out. I also suggested that he might want to tell a court of law what he's often told me, that he never knew how to be a husband and isn't able to do what's necessary to fulfill the role, and file for an anullment. He took it with surprising calmness, even though he said he is scared. I told him that it will take me some time to make the arrangements; he said he's going to use that time to demonstrate that he can be a better husband. I think I told him I'd believe that when I saw it, or maybe I just thought it.

    Maybe this will come off more peacefully than I anticipated.

    Posted 2 years ago by Leeny #

42. 

    Keeping up the prayers for you to have the strength to see this through.

    Posted 2 years ago by KYKAT 12 23 #

43. 

    Prayers....
    [[[[Hugs]]]]

    Posted 2 years ago by Buttercup #

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