Leeny, You are moving in the right direction. Keep strong and keep moving forward.
Daily Kitten Chat Forum » Purrs
They're sending the lease
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Posted 2 years ago by KYKAT 12 23 #
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Feral,
All solipsists (male or female) are cut from the same cookie-cutter mold. Your non-helper, Leeny's soon to be X'Mr, Owlwatcher's former business associate. Narcissistic ego-maniacs with not a single clue to split among them and all singing the same off-key lyric.....me,me,me,me,me....
Posted 2 years ago by ailuromaniac #
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Just put in a call to the DVPA (not their emergency number, their office number) and left an extremely brief message (as instructed after the outgoing message talked about the number of calls they get and the limited tape space) asking for a counseling appointment. Have been going nuts since yesterday evening--wondering what's going to happen to Mr. L when he's served! He won't take the divorce or anything I've done to try to avoid it seriously. To get a case worker, he has to have a psychological evaluation, and guess who's been refusing since April to cooperate with the mental health agency? I've called several state agencies (one refers you to the next, and the next), and the last one told me that, when he has to leave, he should call the Salvation Army.
See, I feel like I can't do this until I've made arrangements not only for myself but also for him. Part of this is my caretaking nature and part of it is my fear that the court will make me support him in a separate residence even though I can hardly support us both in the same residence. I really need to get some perspective here. I'm even afraid to sign the lease. If I don't sign the lease and move out instead, he'll be in a residence for which he can't pay the rent and which will have no utilities--will the court require me to keep paying for that? I don't trust the courts, the government, or the agencies. When I was being abused as a child, DFACS said that they couldn't do anything as long as there was "one responsible parent in the home"--that "responsible parent" was the abuser's disturbed enabler! I feel like everything is arrayed against me, AND I'M THE ONE WHO'S BEING ABUSED!
As I said, I seriously need to get some perspective. I'm going to the DVPA meeting tomorrow, will be able to let the counselor who leads it know that I need an appt. if they haven't been able to wade through their messages yet.
Last night I was watching him lying on the sofa, literally plugged into the TV, stuffing his face with potato chips, and I actually hated him.
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Leeny,
You can't afford him now so don't sweat alimony.You either have or can get an estimate of his income on his disability when he gets it. That will factor in any judgement. Do the math, he will probably receive enough that at best he can only get a nominal judgment to maintain his accustomed standard of living. What is that?... a couch, TV and a roof that doesn't leak?
Check on having him involuntarily committed since he refuses to see a counselor. After all, he has "mistakenly" OD before, he is obviously a danger to himself. And file citing additional grounds you cannot support him and provide the supervision he obviously needs (i.e. you cannot work and be a 24/7 baby sitter).
Posted 2 years ago by ailuromaniac #
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AM, the lawyers have already told me that, these days, spousal support is given only when (a) a spouse gave up a career or livelihood to raise children or help the other spouse in a "two-person career" (politician, high-level executive, etc.), or (b) a spouse became disabled during the marriage and the other spouse gets a divorce because of that. I'm just having difficulty thinking straight here.
Called the Salvation Army; busy signal.
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That song actually got me through another rough spot in my life, Feral. When my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and was scheduled to go into the hospital for surgery, I went to her apt. to be sure she had clean nightgowns. I found out then the extent to which she'd been neglecting herself. She had no nightgowns; instead, she had these nylon house dresses that she must have lived in 24/7 for weeks. They were streaked brown inside, and they smelled so bad I had to wash them several times after soaking the underarms in Pine Sol. The clothes, of course, were "stinking to high heaven", which triggered the memory of the song, which cracked me up as I worked on the laundry.
My mother ended up living for more than 9 years with the cancer, under much more sanitary conditions.
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Thank you, Feral.
Right now, The Weather Girls are proclaiming that, tonight at half past ten, we'll see that "It's Raining Men." I think I'll stay inside for now.
Now Sam the Sham and his Pharaohs are helping Little Red Riding Hood to her grandma's house. I wonder how many more silly songs I can find to add to the playlist?
That won't include Weird Al, though; he's got playlists of his own, of course.
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"Goofus" by the Carpenters (It's an oldie and I don't know the original artist)
Posted 2 years ago by ailuromaniac #
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Today I feel about as low and squashed as that skunk in the middle of the road. Have two more numbers I can call besides the Salvation Army, but just don't feel up to it. Also, my gut is telling me not to call right now, and I've learned to listen to that even when I don't understand it.
DVPA meeting tonight. On the reminder e-mail they send out, group leader apologized for not being able to return call yesterday. Said I can call hotline number if I need to talk immediately, but what I need is an appointment.
Have thought about giving Mr. L. a deadline to see a psychiatrist--any psychiatrist--because his not being on effective psych med is his excuse for all of his unacceptable behaviors. See a psychiatrist by, say, the end of October or I file for divorce. Gives me a definite date at least, and gives him ample warning. Not sure how much warning is safe for me, though. Want to talk to DVPA before doing much more of anything.
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That is too much time, Leeny. He should have to take action within two weeks and it should be a dual step warning. You have to book an appointment in two days and you have to have completed the appointment withing the two weeks or it is over. If he books and goes then you should make it clear that the first missed appointment results in filing for divorce. Period. Otherwise he will keep stringing you along.
Posted 2 years ago by KYKAT 12 23 #
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This is because his birthday is on Tuesday and our 11th anniversary is on Oct. 3. I want to get past those dates before filing.
Should insist that he attend a mental health agency orientation within a specified period of time (have to find out how often the orientations are held; he has to go to one before they assign him a doctor). He's waiting for the therapist to call him back about the private doctor, but that hasn't happened; quite frankly, I think she's through with him. Will tell him that it's taken too long to hear from her.
And if he goes, what then? Will he really get any better? Is there any medication that's going to undo the personality flaws he acquired over a period of more than 40 years?
He complains about his IBS-D and uses it as a reason for not doing things or going places. Had an appt. scheduled with GI specialist for this afternoon. He "couldn't talk" (an intermittent problem that just "comes and goes" unpredictably, probably similar to selective deafness syndrome) so he had me call and cancel the appt.--which I did for the doctor's sake. Now, Mr. L. has called me about four times this afternoon, clearly understandable although speaking low. Now, how did I know he would get his voice back after that appt. was called off?
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Another thing that's nagging at me and getting me to second-guess myself: I've been wondering if he's abusive enough to justify this. He was physically violent "only once," and I'm the one who kept the police from acting on that, and now it took place 6 months ago. Are verbal and psychological abuse "enough"? They aren't illegal. Sometimes he's nice to me--courteous, I would say; the most affectionate he ever gets is a hug as brief as he can make it and a peck on the cheek. That can change in a matter of minutes, though.
That's why I want to see the DVPA. I need to get my perspective back. And you're right, the longer this goes on, the worse it is. It's the waiting that's so bad.
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A deadline to see a Psychiatrist is fine but not as a condition of not filing for divorce. As a condition to avoid being involuntarily committed, yes. Go by x date or I have you checked into the rubber wallpaper motel.
You need to get out and get away before you are a statistic on the 6 o'clock news.
The good boy/bad boy whipsaw is one of the hallmarks of abuse. The I am sorry and showering with niceness is just a control mechanism. DO NOT FALL FOR IT.
Also mental and emotional abuse is much worse than the physical kind. It is easier to call it if it can be seen.
Posted 2 years ago by ailuromaniac #
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Quote: Are verbal and psychological abuse "enough"?
Yes, absolutely they are ! You are existing, not living. My ex never hit me, but he surely let me know I was stupid and fat (FYI - I am 5'3" and weighed 108 lbs at the time). He was/is an alcoholic with true alcoholic behavior. Leaving him was smart, the dumb thing was waiting a long as I did.
You remain in my thoughts Leeny... I send you strength.
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