Daily Kitten Chat Forum » Purrs

61. 

    LENNY LISTEN TO YOUR SELF !!!! OK sorry for the caps but please !!

    Abuse is abuse!! To justify him being physically violent even one time is ridiculous! For the most part I think physical abuse is better, bruises and broken bones heal, but years of verbal and physiological abuse stay with you for a very long time. If your told your worthless every day and no other man would want you, you eventually believe your worthless ect!

    ( I am not saying by any means you are worthless just purely an example from my personal history )

    If your done, truly done with this relationship what are you waiting for?? Giving him a deadline is only delaying the inevitable, and then you risk him meeting your ultimatum and then what are you going to do ??

    I know that love is not something that is easy to walk away from, love is stronger than pride and the both of you made a commitment to each other - but you wrote here that even on the day of your wedding you felt alone!!

    Haven't you suffered enough ??

    Posted 2 years ago by spanky_mouse #

62. 

    Leeny I have read your messages and cried. You are actually talking yourself into staying with this abusive man. I cry because you see no worth in yourself. You would tell anyone of us here that putting up with this type of abuse is unacceptable. Please do not wait. I love you--please love yourself and get away from him. I really don't care whether he is okay or not--I truly dislike this man because of what he has done to you. He made his choices--please hold him accountable and get him out of your life. He can get an appointment in October--but you darn well know he will break it--he always does.

    Posted 2 years ago by SoxsMom #

63. 

    Leeny, I hope you have regained your momentum. If not, I am sorry but I really need to revisit some points here.

    FIRST & Most important VIOLENCE:

    "I've been wondering if he's abusive enough to justify this. He was physically violent "only once," and I'm the one who kept the police from acting on that, and now it took place 6 months ago."

    Leeny, you need to repeat a mantra..."you get to hit me twice...the first time and the last time. This is a simultaneous event" (blow 1 counts as 2 times).
    "You do not get a third shot".

    Just think what would happen if this were the case:

    "But officer my dog only bit once before. It was six months ago."

    "Lady, a dog only gets one bite."

    Nothing you could do or say would keep the dog from being put down.

    SECOND aiding his cause:

    You must stop rewarding his bad behavior and judgements.

    "He complains about his IBS-D and uses it as a reason for not doing things or going places. Had an appt. scheduled with GI specialist for this afternoon. He "couldn't talk" (an intermittent problem that just "comes and goes" unpredictably, probably similar to selective deafness syndrome)

    SO HE HAD ME CALL

    and cancel the appt.--which I did for the doctor's sake. Now, Mr. L. has called me about four times this afternoon, clearly understandable although speaking low. Now, how did I know he would get his voice back after that appt. was called off? "

    Were his hands amputated at the time he lost his voice? He has to be responsible for his own medical and basic living requirements. If he loses his voice he can write notes. YOU DO NOT CALL to make, break, or change his appointments PERIOD. So he inconveniences the DR. that is his fault and responsibility not yours. He knows he can control you by messing with his medical appointments. Stop letting him.

    Remember he always recovers as soon as he gets his way or something he wants to do comes up.

    THIRD living in a dream world:

    "And if he goes, what then? Will he really get any better?"

    Good for him! He needs to improve but not at your expense. If he trully recovered he would put you first and agree you went way beyond the call of duty and exit gracefully to support your recovery. One thing is certain, he will not have any incentive to improve if he can use you to excuse his problems.

    and

    FOURTH DELAYING THE DIVORCE:

    "This is because his birthday is on Tuesday and our 11th anniversary is on Oct. 3. I want to get past those dates before filing."

    Why would you want to celebrate 9/15? He had another year of abusing you? He would be upset because you spoiled his birthday? He spoils 365.25 days annually for you. As of 9/11, that is 3996.75 days so far.

    As for Oct 3, do you really want to celebrate 4017.75 days of servitude? In my opinion OCT 3 would be the perfect day for him to be served. It would mark your declaration of independence and give you the date to begin celebrating your emancipation from his form of slavery.

    Leeny, just because you have legal documents does not make this a marriage. You are not disolving a marriage, you are obtaining your decree of manumission.

    Posted 2 years ago by ailuromaniac #

64. 

    Thanks, TDKers. Last night, after hearing some discouraging remarks at the meeting, I had decided not to go through with the divorce and just put up with life as it is.

    Then, I remembered something: When was the last time I thought/acted like this? It was on the day he pushed me, when I was talking the police out of arresting him.

    So, here's the plan. (1) Sign the lease and get it to the realtor. (2) Make an appointment with the lawyer I plan to retain to make sure that the remarks I've heard aren't true and I won't still be getting drained after the divorce. (3) Make no further attempts to improve his life or see that he's provided for after the divorce. I can hand him, as he's on his way out the door, the three numbers I got. (4) Make no further requests/demands about improving our relationship, getting him treatment, etc. I've been doing everything here, and I'm finished. (5) Let my boss know I need the check for the retainer and set this into motion.

    Last night, two of the people at the DVPA meeting offered to let me stay with them if I didn't feel I could go home. One even knows a woman who takes in kitties to rehome them or to give them a temporary place to stay so they won't have to go to shelters.

    Posted 2 years ago by Leeny #

65. 

    Leeny, If you have to pay alimony and insurance you will still be ahead, you are paying for that now and have to put up with his stinky b-u-t-t in the house. With him gone you can send to the court and be done with him. He can't claim you aren't paying because the court will have proof.

    He may not be given those awards because his disability was documented before the marriage.

    Posted 2 years ago by ailuromaniac #

66. 

    Good for you, Leeny! I am praying that Mr. Leeny, the master manipulator (and his type is always SO good at it), won't wear you down with his shenanigans. Strength and white light for you. Remember, your TDK family is right behind you all the way. Think of the celebration we'll all have when you're finally free and safe!

    Posted 2 years ago by GizzysAuntie #

67. 

    One of the facilitators from the DVPA just called, and I have an appointment with her on Wednesday afternoon. I told her I needed some encouragement and support for going ahead and doing this now that the time has come.

    TDK is providing that beautifully, though.

    Posted 2 years ago by Leeny #

68. 

    Great! Take journals, take the talking points we've all provided in your various posts. Take your boss's support. Take notes at your meeting. Do anything and everything you can to stiffen your resolve.

    Posted 2 years ago by ailuromaniac #

69. 

    We love you Leeny, and we want you to be safe, but not just safe, at peace. You'll never have that as long as *he's* around.

    {{{Leeny}}}

    Posted 2 years ago by Kilroy #

70. 

    Step 1 accomplished: Lease, with my name and signature alone as tenant, has been given to the real estate company. Mr. L. is still listed in the middle of the document as a person who is allowed to live there, but the place is no longer legally in his name.

    Another thing I need to remember for Wednesday's appointment: discussing the escape plan.

    Posted 2 years ago by Leeny #

71. 

    Good. A notarized statement rescending his permission to live under your roof should take care of that when the time comes.

    Keep putting those ducks in a row.

    Posted 2 years ago by ailuromaniac #

72. 

    One step at a time... you go, girl !!!

    Posted 2 years ago by 2 Popoki #

73. 

    One other thing: From here on, Mr. L. will be called H. That's the first letter of his legal first name. A way of psychologically separating him from myself.

    Posted 2 years ago by Leeny #

74. 

    Good job, Leeny. One step at a time. Deep breaths. Write things down if you need to, to remember them.

    {{{Leeny}}}

    Posted 2 years ago by Kilroy #

75. 

    Just remembered something: H. and I met 12 years ago today, both of us patients in a psych unit. Which illustrates two of my mate selection rules that I broke to marry him: (1) Don't get romantically involved with men you meet in psych units; and (2) Know a man for at least one full year before you begin to consider the possibility that perhaps someday you may get married to him.

    Starting to get shaky and cold sweats now. On one of my Napster playlists there's a song by Tom Petty, "I Won't Back Down". One of the lines goes, "You can stand me up at the gates of hell, but I won't back down." Well, here I am, at the gates. I know when God is telling me not to do something--as it says, his sheep know his voice--and THIS AIN'T IT! This is something else altogether.

    It gets me when H. calls and tells me that he and the cats love me, and lets me listen to Penny meow and purr. It's occurred to me before that the times he's nicest to me is when he's talking to me on the phone. When we're at home, he ignores me. I once read in an article somewhere that some abusers justify the abuse by saying it's because they love their victims. Some of them even tell the victims they love them while assaulting them. This really messes up one's mind.

    Posted 2 years ago by Leeny #

76. 

    Expect more "love bombs" from H as you march forward to freedom. The more desperate he becomes the more he will try to sink that hook in. It is the same lure that cults use to trap their victims. Take as few calls from him as possible. Retreat to your own space and shut him out.

    Remember his protests are just noise. Imagine the sound of static whenever he speaks to you or calls.

    Posted 2 years ago by ailuromaniac #

77. 

    Leeny - i've only had a chance to glance at this thread and don't know all the background but one thing leaps out at me that may be of help to you: Al-Anon or Co-Dependents Anonymous (CODA). Those groups will help you focus on yourself and not the sick one in your life. If you have not thought of them as a support I would highly, highly, highly recommend one of them. And of course, your family here is a wonderful support also and like everyone else I say keep coming back (and that is send at those meeting, too!). Much love and many prayers of strength coming to you.

    Posted 2 years ago by Jetta and Boo Boo's Mom #

78. 

    This man says: he ever hits you again HIT BACK. And don't go for the groin, too expected. Go for the EYES.

    Posted 2 years ago by Arcalian #

79. 

    Come on Leeny,you're making progress. I know how difficult it is to leave an abuser. I kept imagining how badly my family member would feel if I put him out,he has nothing(his choice) where would he go? I stressed out so long and agonized while he continued to use me as an ATM and steal valuables from the house to pawn. Finally his violence which was always barely beneath the surface came out big time and that gave me the strength to call the police and tell him he has to leave. He paid me back by telling me that I'm really,very stupid I was (because I didn't figure out what he was doing earlier) and then he left in a huff,leaving us in a big,big mess. He went on to try a different living arrangement in which no one was employed and they could pay no bills "Wow,things are expensive"etc,etc.I said "No Kidding!!!!!" Anyway,he found a place and he is doing reasonably well from what I hear.
    Anyway what I'm trying to say is that I realized after he was gone how incredibly stressed he had made me from the emotional/psychological abuse to the point where I nearly sacrificed myself. I had done the very best I could,I trusted him and was trying to help him recover and he was conning me. And it wasn't until after he was gone that I realized how BAD it was.
    After he left I found things so much easier,it was such a big relief.
    Leeny when you are free of this man you are going to be so relieved to be away from the constant manipulation,the underlying,poorly concealed potential for violence,his stupid games ie "can't talk(?). I'm not saying you won't have problems after you leave but they will feel like nothing compared to what you've been through.
    Come on honey you're almost there! [[[[[[[Leeny]]]]]]

    Posted 2 years ago by Buttercup #

80. 

    Stick to your plans Leeny. You have come such a long way. Lots of very good advice has been given to you. You deserve a much better life and you will be much happier on your own with your kits. Luv & hugs.

    Posted 2 years ago by Mittens #

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