Daily Kitten Chat Forum » Purrs

1. 

   Yesterday, I was going through some bills and old mail that had been put in the drawer where "those things go" in our house and came across an envelope from our vet. It was opened, but I'd never seen it before. Out of the envelope I pulled a sympathy card sent by Doc regarding O'Malley's passing. There was a note in it from the doc, expressing his sympathy and saying, "We tried so hard" and a little clipping with some suggested readings about grief.

   I was dumbfounded; why hadn't I been given this when it came? My daughter defended her actions and my husband's, saying, "It came so soon after he died, and we didn't want you to be upset." I understand this but....still.

   Since I opened that card, I've been down. I have had days where things were okay, and I have taken so much joy from my babies, but GOD....I just miss him so much. I've lost pets before, and it has always been heart-wrenching, but there was something about this time. I loved him so, and I wanted to make him right, make him well, to be able to look at him 6 months from now and marvel at how far we'd come, and how love can really heal all. I feel like I let him down, my sweet baby who barely had a chance to live. My family says we did everything we could, that no one could have done better, but I am left with my thoughts that jab at my heart and insist, "DID you do the best you could have? Did you?"

   My husbands says I have to let him go. When he says this, I want to punch him in the face. I don't want to let him go. That was the point - to hold him and love him and keep him. How can he not understand?

   I'm sorry....I just needed to say this, and I'm not so sure that, were I to post this on my blog site or Facebook or anywhere else, that my family wouldn't think I need professional help.

   I'm not over him. My heart just aches.

   Posted 2 years ago by IronMaiden #

2. 

   You did do the best you could do for your little baby. Doubting yourself is a normal part of grief, but the truth is you could beat yourself up for the rest of eternity and it wouldn't change a thing. Your baby leaving this world was not your decision and there was nothing you could have done about it.

   I truly believe that O'Malley is in a beautiful place with many, many other kitties who didn't have a long life here. He is happy, he knows you tried hard to keep him with you, and he knows you love him. He loves you too, and wishes you could understand that there was nothing more you could do.

   There are mama cats where he is at that take care of the babies. O'Malley is one of the lucky ones who will be a kitten forever - he will always want to play, to attack everything that moves in the meadow, to wrestle with the other kittens, and to know the comfort of having a mama cat to protect him even though there is no danger where he is at.

   And I truly believe that we can be reunited with those who have moved on. For them the separation will be a short one, but for us it seems like forever. Still, we will see them again.

   Posted 2 years ago by owlwatcher_974 #

3. 

   IM..I understand totally. When Bastian passed, she was my soulmate and I cried everyday and just thought I would never ever recover. When the vet sent her pawprints and a tuft of her fur, even though I loved it, it was horrible, I cried and cried. It's a loss. My hubby loves our animals, but not like I do. So he doesn't understand either. You second guess yourself, that's normal. I still do it and it's been 4 1/2 years. I miss her still. It's okay to be sad, it's losing something you love and that touched you deeply. Cry, hurt, get angry but know that he had love, you loved him and that is more than most animals get. You did do the best you could..for your own sanity, you must believe that, but you don't have to let him go...when it's time, just tuck him away where it's not so hurtful and you can visit his memory and it's bittersweet.
   I hope I didn't ramble on and this makes sense..Hugs to you!

   Posted 2 years ago by cricketsmama #

4. 

   IM, I think that there are so many of us here who truly understand how you feel. Are you odd or in need of help for feeling that way? No, of course not. Just because one of our babies wears fur makes them no less precious to us. I lost my Bombalurina two years ago and not one single day goes by that I don't miss that sweet little black face and her endearing ways.

   You did all that you could for O'Malley. But the most important thing that you did was to love him. How sad that any of God's creations would leave this world and never know love. But it happens more than we want to think. Although his life was too short, it was filled with love.

   Although you will never let him go, there hopefully will be other kitties to whom you can bring love. And they will cherish you for that gift.

   Posted 2 years ago by WillowandWindismom #

5. 

   I have a tuft of Lolie's beautiful fur in a special chinese box and sometimes I just take it out and lay it against my cheek, and smell it. Every day I miss her. Sending you sympathy and hugs - we all know how deeply you loved him and how hard it was to lose that poor baby. You don't have to let go - you can hold O'Malley in your heart for ever.

   Posted 2 years ago by eleniki #

6. 

   Thank you guys. Though every single post made me cry a little harder with each one I read, it also makes me feel...well, better.....to know I'm not alone.

   You don't know what that means to me right now.

   <3

   Posted 2 years ago by IronMaiden #

7. 

   Come back online and talk through your grief whenever you need to IM. There will always be somebody to support you. I wish I had known about TDK when I was grieving last year for my old lady. It was hard, although my partner did understand. But after a while you can't help feeling that people are getting tired of your sadness eh.. We don't tire of it here, because we all know how that grief feels. It can last a long time, but as long as it's coming out, that's ok. In a while, maybe a few months, maybe less time, maybe longer, you might feel like getting another companion for your present kitty. It took me six months to go through the grieving process for Lolie. Finding miso really helped me then, but only because I was ready to give her the love she deserved. Hugs to you.

   Posted 2 years ago by eleniki #

8. 

   Ironmaiden, as others have said, we have all lost a furbaby at one time or another. I am sorry for your loss. My first cat was a cat who helped me through some very dark times. She was my companion and my child and when she died 4 1/2 years ago, I cried a river of tears over her. I still miss her at times even with now having Sylvester and Mia because she was so special. She liked to sleep on my chest during the wintertime and at other times if I was sitting on the floor, she would come and sit with my arms around her or if I was on the couch, she would come sit on my chest. She would never sit in my lap, it was always on my chest. My ex-husband never understood my love of my cats and how they were not just pets but were family. I still have my cats but left the husband due to a number of things he did besides not loving my cats.

   Welcome to TDK by the way. You have picked the best place to talk about all sorts of things in addition to cats.

   Posted 2 years ago by SylMiaFelixMomma #

9. 

   IM, first I'd like to say welcome to TDK. I somehow missed your first post, I've now gone back and read it and so sorry for your loss of O'Mally. I understand too how hard it can be to "get over" the loss of one that has been so close to your heart. Mine was Mr.Bug. I still cry! You're not crazy, but I guess those who don't understand there is really no way to make them understand. But we here at TDK do and you are always welcome here!!!
   If you would like to meet Mr.Bug and the rest of my furry family just click on my avatar!

   Posted 2 years ago by 2bpurring #

10. 

    IM, Just like everyone else has said everyone here does understand. I came here not long after I had to put my 18 yr old cat down I'd had since the 5th grade. I was having a hard time comprehending life with out him cuz he was just always there most my life. I was so heartbroken over him I even missed a couple days work because of it but luckily my boss is also a "cat person" so she was very sympathetic. But if it's for 18 yrs or 18 mins some cats just get right into our hearts and it all hurts the same when they're gone. I still miss Calvin very much and he's been gone for almost a year and a half. I only waited a couple months to get my new kitty because even though he'll never be a replacement it was just too weird to not have a cat in the house. And I love Mo in a new a different way than I did Calvin but just as much. You'll know if/when you're ready. You're not crazy by any means...in fact it's the opposite. I think you're so affected because you were able to let yourself care so deeply about this kitty. It's much easier to do that with these kitties that give nothing but love in return than it is to do with most humans.

    Posted 2 years ago by ama58873 #

11. 

    Hi there. It's been 11 months now since I lost my darling soul mate cat, Sultan. I'm not even close to getting over him. I am still very liable to cry over any memory of him, although I do sometimes manage to smile too. It's the loss of a loved one, if the loved one wasn't human. It still hurts and grief is normal. I hope that one day I will be able to think of him without crying, but I will never forget him, or stop loving him. Hugs to you and you can always come here to talk about your pain and grief.

    Posted 2 years ago by metsa #

12. 

    Ironmaiden...may special memories comfort you on your loss. O'Malley is at the Bridge with all of our special kits...someday to be back with us! (PS I can only imagine seeing Kot, Blackie, Winkie, Sushi, Emily Z & Snuffy all are special kits from my past!)

    Posted 2 years ago by jeankit #

13. 

    We did get another kitten just over a week ago after watching Morrigan wander through the house, sort of lost. She is such a playful girl and though Malley was never as strong as she, she relished caring for him and playing with him when he was feeling up to it. He was her brother and no one can tell me she didn't feel his loss. The other cats did, too, but I think they mostly felt MY grief, and were at a loss about what to "do" for me. My big guy, Eddie, has slept with my husband and I throughout his life, and stopped for a while....who knows why. His desire to sleep with us again was rekindled when Malley was at his worst, and I was in tears most nights. He hasn't left my side since. Most nights I am awakened by a loud rumbling, and I find Eddie's 17 lbs wrapped around my head as he cleans my hair and purrs.

    Our new kitten, Fea, has helped, very much. I was concerned, much in the same way I was 22 years ago when I found out I would be having a second child, that I could not love another kitten as much as I did Malley. My fears were groundless, of course, and now my biggest worry is that there's enough of me to go around for all six of my guys and gals! I still despair, though, whenever I'm feeling sort of happy and I remember that he's not with us. He broke my heart, and he holds my heart still.

    Posted 2 years ago by IronMaiden #

14. 

    Beautifully expressed, IM. I think you are handling your grief very appropriately. Some here think that new cats are sent to us by those who've crossed the bridge. Malley will always hold a special place in your heart, but your heart has room for those of your furry family that remain. It is not a zero sum game. Our hearts have a tremendous capacity to love. It comes with an understanding that there will be loss, but we wouldn't choose not to love to avoid that. Nothing will take your memories of Malley from you. They will mellow in time as you savor them and will bring a smile to your face as the pain lessens. Please keep posting. :)

    Aren't cats perceptive? I love it that Eddie dealt with his grief in his unique way and then returned to sleep with you, keeping close to you in his effort to comfort you. You can comfort each other.

    Posted 2 years ago by Kitten Whisperer #

15. 

    Don't let anyone tell u that u need help because of the way u love u r babies. I don't care what anyone says as far as I am concern my furry babies are my children and I will do anything I can to help them and when one of them leave us. I just don't know how I will deal with it because my son and husband says they are just animals. NO THEY R NOT THEY R MY CHILDREN. I wish u all the best with the new baby but do not think u will not love it. U will love everyone of u r furry babies different because each one is different. And there is nothing wrong with every once in a while sitting down and remember the ones the we have lose because of age, sickness or whatever reason. I had a cat name blackie he has been gone since 1991. And I still every once in awhile sit down and think about him (and yes I still cry) we had a very special bond and I know I will never have it with another cat but will have a special bond with each furry baby that I will have in my lifetime. You r being human for have them feelings and DON'T let anyone tell u different. aim

    Posted 2 years ago by Aim #

16. 

    Agreed, aim. Nicely said.

    Posted 2 years ago by eleniki #

17. 

    Oh Ironmaiden, I understand your pain. I lost a very special young cat a few years ago and I grieved so much I thought that my heart would never heal. Time does heal all wounds. I was able to open my heart to another and another and another. I had a friend tell me once that our four legged friends don't stay with as long as our two legged, but their little footprints are stamped all over our heart. It will get better. Keep your chin up.
    Peace

    Posted 2 years ago by tinafishfrombirthplaceofElvis #

18. 

    Love is not a finite element, but a soaring gift of the soul. Although every relationship ends, the best ones really do end with death. It is very hard to lose a darling baby, furry or not. Give yourself time to grieve, and time to heal. It will get better.

    And no, no one gets over the loss of what we love. We just get past it. You really did everything right, and everything you could, but sometimes God takes the very young ones out of our hands and back into His hands. And that is such a good place for them to be, even though it causes us such sorrow.

    Please be comforted with knowing that where O'Malley is right now, he is the darling of the Meadow, warm and safe and strong and happy, and you will see him again. Sultie and Bomber take good care of him, and he sleeps every night curled up against the Wolf of Gubbio, who watches over all small creatures in that part of Paradise.

    You will see him again.

    Posted 2 years ago by Emma #

19. 

    You're all so wonderful. Hugs to everyone!

    Fea has really become the darling of the house. She's so funny and goofy and sweet, giving kisses and purring constantly and just letting us love her and play with her. Morrigan loves her, and the big cats seem to really enjoy her, too. She cuddles with me most nights, and my heart just swells when her little golden eyes convey their happiness and love to me. My husband is quite attached to her, too. He works until late in the evening, and since I have been having some health problems and don't sleep very heavily at night, he's been sacking out on the couch when he gets home until I get up early in the morning for work during the week. This ensures I get some restful time.....just him getting into bed wakes me up and then it's hard to sleep after that. On weekends, he's right there next to me. :) Anyway, I was awakened at about 1AM the other night by him; he was feeling around on the bed. I sleepily asked him what he was doing, and he said, "Just looking for the baby." I asked why, and he said, "Well, I know she likes to play sometimes when you're asleep, so I was going to take her out with me." I had to smile there in the darkness, because I'm on to him: he likes cuddling her as much as I do. During the day, I will invariably get a picture message from him of - you guessed it - Fea doing something funny.

    Posted 2 years ago by IronMaiden #

20. 

    That is so wonderful, IM! Cats claim their places in our hearts so quickly, don't they? I'm glad Fea is bringing you and your husband comfort as well as Morrigan. Malley would approve! :)

    Is that Fea with you in your avatar?? Sweet photo!

    Posted 2 years ago by Kitten Whisperer #

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