Daily Kitten Chat Forum » General Chat

1. 

   i left a nasty (according to my father) on their answering machine last night.
   basically, it demanded to know why they didn't return my email that had an invite for thanksgiving and why they treat me as beneath them.

   my mother never called or emailed to apologize for blowing me off last week. i'm sure my father told her i came expecting a family lunch, which was our plans, hers and mine.

   they never told me they would be camping this weekend, something my mother always does so i don't "panic" when i can't reach them. they also didn't tell me that they don't open my emails, they just send a read receipt that their computer received their message from me. i send a read receipt request because they don't ever respond to my emails. i sometimes think they don't even open them. they don't ever respond to my emails. they insist that i send them proof that i am alive and well so they don't panic.

   i send emails because i don't want the expense of a cell phone call. i guess that will have to change.

   but if they were even a little bit open, and opened my email and sent a little note, the "nasty" answering machine message would never have been sent. and now they feel i am a nasty person and they are entirely innocent, which they aren"t...

   Posted 2 years ago by CSBM #

2. 

   Cheri...don't give in to them baiting you. Quit the emails & the phone messeges & just send a nice snail mail card letting them know your still 'alive'. I know from experience that the back & forth does not work. {{{HUGS}}}

   Posted 2 years ago by feral #

3. 

   Or send an email message with just a subject line like I'm OK or something of that nature. Don't waste your time writing messages that they don't read :)

   Posted 2 years ago by Cat talk rules #

4. 

   hey if it's any consolation....EVERYONE I know pretty much has a disfunctional family...Honestly...One time with a good friend of mine who had as much of a mixed up childhood as me we just couldn't stop laughing. It was kind of crazy but it healed me a little. It's not to say it's funny but my mum once said to me that there is a french saying (she's french) that goes something like..you might as well laugh as not to cry. Maybe we should all join disfunctional family anonymous and get it off our chest? Families are a pain! But seriously,don't feel bad about yourself - you never know maybe your phone call will help them think about things. Good luck.

   Posted 2 years ago by jessij #

5. 

   Cheri, I honestly don't think you screwed up. In this case I feel like you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. There is no way you can win with your parents. But you need to save your sanity and distance yourself from them. I do like the idea of a snail mail card, it is much cheaper than even a phone call. Many hugs to you that this won't make you worry too much about having done wrong. (((CHERI))))

   Posted 2 years ago by mollycat71 #

6. 

   Have you considered having your parents committed to a mental hospital (AFTER you make sure their legal affairs are in order and you benefit from such legal affairs; you don't want to 'f' yourself)?

   Posted 2 years ago by Vicki #

7. 

   Cheri, I'm sorry. You will never be able to win the love, affection, or approval of your parents. As MC71 said, there is no way you can "win" with your parents.

   Please, for your own sake, set up a monthly schedule of sending them a postcard to let them know how happy you are, and how your life is going. Nothing that is personally important... just trivia. They will not be able to legitimately complain that you're not keeping in touch, and you won't be making yourself vulnerable to their passive-aggressive BS.

   You are a wonderful person in your own right. You cannot earn their love, but that is their failing, not yours. You have your self-respect and independence, and there's a hell of a lot to be said for that!! It's past time to move beyond your parents, to the life you're meant to live, and love.

   Posted 2 years ago by anncetera2 #

8. 

   There is nothing you can do that will appease them, and you know it. You continue to try because you love your parents. At one point you were going to cut down on your contact. If they are worried about you GREAT! Let them contact you. Cheri you have a life to live, and you have worked so hard. Think if what you need to do for you. If they want to know how you are they will pick up a phone or email.

   Posted 2 years ago by SoxsMom #

9. 

   Cheri,

   I am sorry, you have the gentle words Anncetera2 and Soxsmom, Feral, Mollycat71 and others. I am through with being gentle. I will be the mean mommy here.

   How many times have you gone down this path and how many times have we advised you to raise protective barriers?

   I know you want their approval and unconditional love. You are not going to get it. They are all into controlling your every breath.

   First your Father is agressive and abusive and mommy comforts you, then Mom is the one pushing your buttons and dear ole dad is you strength. Next you have Dad or Mom on your case with Mom or Dad asking how you could be mean to the agressive parent.

   They offer support to pull the rug from under you. A "gift" of $5000 is snached back along with the home it was earmarked as down payment while you were helpless and at their mercy.

   Your health ups and downs can be measured by tracing your familial conflicts through these pages. Now you are on the threshold of returning to work and I expect a health crisis to follow shortly if you do not get a grip.

   You are working so hard physically and mentally on achieving and maintaining your health. You need to add emotionally and even spiritually to this effort.

   You know everytime you extend that olive branch you are going to be burned. You do not have to ask us if you made a mistake reaching out. You know you did.

   Send cards for holidays and keep your celebrations for yourself. Make friends or rekindle your interests. I know the SCA is teaming with people you have interacted with on a friendly basis.

   Set conditions and expectations that can be met. And hold to the boundaries for at least a year. They know from past experience they only have to make nice for an hour or two and you are right back under their thumbs. If you stop being a doormat to your parents, they will be forced to quit wiping their feet on you.

   Posted 2 years ago by ailuromaniac #

10. 

    AM, you are so very right on the spot !!! If these people had not been my parents, i would have never let them into my life...

    so, I need to do a lot of growing up right now before I am hurt anymore...and I will do it...right now...

    Posted 2 years ago by CSBM #

11. 

    Cheri, it's not so much a matter of growing up. It's a matter of being able to discern those who are good for you and enhance your life/well-being, as opposed to those who are bad for you and make you feel bad about yourself.

    Time to seek out more of the former, and discard the latter. Those people who fall into the second category do not belong in your life; there is no room, time, or energy to deal with them. They bring nothing positive into your life.

    Surround yourself with real friends, the loving, supportive kind... and you'll soon find yourself more able to love, live, and grow.

    (In my own life, I welcome most of all the people who I wish I'd met sooner.)

    Posted 2 years ago by anncetera2 #

12. 

    There's also no shame in finding a counselor to help you figure out why you keep working for your parents' approval. Sometimes talking to a "disinterested party" can make things so much clearer. Sometimes you can get a free session or find a low-cost clinic.

    I advocate the quick once a month email message with "I'm ok" in the subject line and leave it at that. Your email program might even have a delayed delivery feature that will allow you to set up a number of these emails to be delivered at the first of the month for you, so you don't have to waste 'worry energy' on them yourself.

    Posted 2 years ago by Siobhan #

13. 

    {{{Cheri}}} it's all been said beautifully...so I'll just say "Do It"!!! =)

    Posted 2 years ago by Karenopa #

14. 

    {{{Cheri}}}
    I moved 2000 miles away from all of my blood relatives and when we do get together it is so stressful on me, and it makes me realize that when I moved to Colorado (twice, from Florida!) that it was the best thing I did for myself - I just can't live near any of them! Love them long distance and keep your sanity, it will be the best for you and to the devil with them!

    Posted 2 years ago by KarenCentennial #

15. 

    A big hug and thank you to all my TDK family...

    Posted 2 years ago by CSBM #

16. 

    Cheri, so sorry for the family situation. If you have a home printer, you can by the postcard stock from Office Depot, preprint a bunch of cards with the same message. "am alive happy and well ~ Cheri" and just send them out on a periodic basis. Then seek out people you like and build a new family. I have a "brother" whose own family was so toxic and hurtful that he was always at our house. When my parents found out the details of his homelife, they became his legal guardians. I love him every bit as much as my blood siblings. Family is not defined by DNA. Wishing the best for you!

    Posted 2 years ago by KYKAT 12 23 #

17. 

    I love my family -- at a distance. A big distance.

    Cheri, it's time to start wondering why you want to hang with these people at all. They are just plain mean and manipulative, and you don't have to take it any more.

    Move out of that toxic family circle and let them find someone else to pummel.

    If they can't treat you nicely, you don't need them. They keep dangling carrots in front of your nose.

    And every one of those carrots is loaded with cyanide.

    Cut it out, kiddo. You deserve better.

    Posted 2 years ago by Emma #

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