Daily Kitten Chat Forum » Purrs

1. 

   It will either be for a final consultation or to file.

   On Saturday, H asked me, out of respect for him, to ask permission before eating his food. The problem is that most of the food in the house is designated "his" because of his dental problems.

   I didn't get to sleep until 4 or 5 in the morning last night, and H knows it. As I was dressing, he handed me the grocery list for the week. As I was leaving, he gave me a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek and told me that he really wished he could say that we'd just do our best for dinner tonight, but that, because it's going to rain tomorrow, today's the best day to do the shopping--the best day for ME to do HIS job.

   He sees a psychiatrist on Thursday--if he keeps the appointment. He wants to stay out of the mental health agency, so he may keep it. That's the last I do for him, though.

   I'm so tired and confused right now, I can't even keep in mind what day it is. I can tell you one thing, though; there's no major grocery order being bought tonight. A couple of prescriptions picked up, some cat litter, something for dinner--that's it. He'll have to get by on "his" food.

   Posted 2 years ago by Leeny #

2. 

   Ugh! [[[[Leeny]]]]] You will feel so much better out of this situation,you remain in my prayers.

   Posted 2 years ago by Buttercup #

3. 

   You need to file. {{{HUGS}}}

   Posted 2 years ago by Sheba's Mom in Raleigh, NC #

4. 

   Tell S---4brains in a very sweet and firm mommy voice that all the food in the house is yours because you pay for every last dime of it. And that he should be grateful you do not put him on bread and water.

   And File baby File.

   Posted 2 years ago by ailuromaniac #

5. 

   File now. This has gone on long enough. H is not allowed to kill your will to live, deprive you of all sleep and peace, and then use his manipulative head games to keep you under his control.

   What the hell does he ever do out of respect for you!!!

   This game is over.

   How soon, after you file, can you be free of this creep, living alone and accountable only to yourself?

   When that day comes, watch the sky: the fireworks we set off in celebration will be AWESOME!

   Posted 2 years ago by Emma #

6. 

   That's one of the things I want to find out from the lawyer, Emma. I do not feel safe being in H's presence after he's served.

   Posted 2 years ago by Leeny #

7. 

   Yup, it is time for you to move on and away from this controlling situation! You owe it to yourself/deserve much better and will come out of this on top!

   Posted 2 years ago by jeankit #

8. 

   Line up a safe house for filing day and have him evicted. With any luck he will try to damage the property and you can have him locked up as well.

   Posted 2 years ago by ailuromaniac #

9. 

   One reason why people separate/divorce is to be free of fear. Can you see the lawyer any sooner?

   Much love,
   Emma
   ("Have WhackBonk Stick -- Will Travel")

   Posted 2 years ago by Emma #

10. 

    They had an opening on Monday, but I need some time to get the check from the person who's going to advance the lawyer his retainer. He's out of the state until Monday.

    Posted 2 years ago by Leeny #

11. 

    A quote from a friend of mine, Melissa -- whose divorce in Little Rock made mine look like a waltz across the ballroom floor:

    "I scared my ex so bad in court, that every time I turned my head toward Arkansas, I heard a low whine of terror coming from that state."

    20 years later, and Melly is still my heroine.

    Posted 2 years ago by Emma #

12. 

    {{{hugs Leeny}}}

    Emma, love that quote!

    Posted 2 years ago by AZDEBRA 5/27 & crew #

13. 

    {{{Leeny}}} You are doing what you must, but you must not falter. File now. Go now. The rest of your life is waiting for you.

    Posted 2 years ago by Kilroy #

14. 

    Thanks, honey. In the Deep South, Melly is considered "mad, bad, and dangerous to know." Sorta like a really cuddly barracuda.

    May we all imitate her.

    *Emma bows her head reverently*

    Posted 2 years ago by Emma #

15. 

    Leeny, I am so happy to know that this is finally going to end. You have taken more than any human being should have to, and you are doing the right thing to take your life back. My prayers, love, and encouragement are with you. And with Emma's WhackBonk team behind you, you cannot lose! Go girl! File and get on with your life.

    Posted 2 years ago by rainingwolf #

16. 

    FILE!! And then if you feel uncomfortable "celebrating" a divorce, celebrate the beginning of the rest of your life.

    Posted 2 years ago by MadcatwomanintheUK #

17. 

    one time i was renting a house where the landlady and landlord wer divorcing. for some insane reason they used the same laywer. one day all 3 were together in the lawyer's office. husband was complaining that he was getting the short end of the stick. wife turned to him and said "you're lucky you have your job and that i have not filed attempted murder charges against you. (he really did try to kill her by stabbing her in the chest several times) you sit there and shut up" and he did...

    Posted 2 years ago by CSBM #

18. 

    OMG Leeny I have never read about your situation before...but if that H person is your partner than that sounds so awful. It gives me shivers. It's probably going to be a difficult time for you but hang in there and know that your future will be much brighter and full of new opportunities.
    Some years ago I was in a terrible abusive relationship that really destroyed me but I was so clouded I couldn't see what was happening. This person was quite successful and was appearing in a brand new tv show at prime time. I think in a way I overlooked the way he acted because of who he was - I guess I felt inferior. It was terrible and things got worse and worse and worse. Till if I hadn't found a way out I don't know what would have happened. Now I look back and I recognise how stupid I was for putting up with what I did. I feel sooooo much better about myself now. I have had to learn again to feel that I am valuable and you are too Leeny. Give it time and you'll see.

    Posted 2 years ago by jessij #

19. 

    You go girl!!! I already know you are past the "giving in" stage--if you need help of any kind, please ask--we are all here for you.

    Posted 2 years ago by Shelley #

20. 

    Leeny---sorry to yell---LISTEN TO EMMA!!!! Please enough is enough and just go file. You are worth so much more! You are a great person. Get out of this toxic relationship and let yourself heal! You are worth much more!

    Posted 2 years ago by SoxsMom #

21. 

    Leeny, there's no way H is going to change his ways, or meet you halfway. It's long past time to file the appropriate papers. Make sure you have somewhere safe to stay until he's vacated the premises, and CHANGE THE LOCKS after he's gone. (For that matter, have a security system installed and motion-detector lights, too.)

    You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Posted 2 years ago by anncetera2 #

22. 

    What everyone else said, Leeny. A better life is waiting for you. Please keep yourself safe above all else, he is not to be trusted. {{{HUGS}}}

    Posted 2 years ago by jcat #

23. 

    You are in my prayers, Leeny. I wish you strength in your life as you move forward. (hugs)

    Posted 2 years ago by Lynn from PA 6/8 #

24. 

    Leeny, like all others have said....FILE

    Emma, I'd love to meet your fisty friend!!!

    Posted 2 years ago by 2bpurring #

25. 

    Leeny, please file. You can no longer allow H to cause you so much grief. His little subversive tactics are making your life a living hell. Home is suppose to be an oasis where one can feel safe and secure. I am sure you dread going home after work. All that has been said is good advice. Hopefully he won't give you any reason to have to get a restraining order but if he does make threats, that is enough to at least get a temporary one.

    Sending you lots of reassuring hugs. We are all here for you.

    Posted 2 years ago by SylMiaFelixMomma #

26. 

    Leeny, thanks for checking in. I was beginning to worry about you. Know that I am always on your side and you are always in my prayers.

    Posted 2 years ago by KYKAT 12 23 #

27. 

    I know you know this already, but I just have to repeat it:

    The doubts you feel are the result of being in an abusive relationship that you hate, and you're worried about the future and life without him. Sometimes we feel that the devil we know (life with an abusive spouse) is better than the devil we don't know (life without the same spouse).

    Run from the devil, and know that the future is all yours when you do so. H is not intrinsically evil, he's just wrong for you.

    And staying in a marriage that does not work is bad for both parties. He thinks what he's doing is just fine because you're not leaving, which is just wrong on so many levels.

    Leave.

    Go.

    Don't look back.

    We will help you.

    Posted 2 years ago by Emma #

28. 

    I'm not afraid of life without H. I'm not even really afraid of his being without resources after the divorce; he's not at all reluctant to seek and take what he needs wherever he can get it. What I am afraid of is that I'm going to be penalized for divorcing him--made to support him, targeted with disapproval for deserting a disabled person, whatever. I'm imagining the divorce action to be like a criminal trial where I'm going to be the one on trial. When I see the lawyer, I'm going to have to ask him to go over with me, step by step, what is going to happen and how long it is going to take.

    This fear comes from my abusive childhood. My mentally ill parents punished my brother and me even when we hadn't done anything wrong and blamed us for anything that went wrong--even their own marital problems. This went on for almost half of my life. Now, I know we've talked on TDK about the necessity of leaving the past behind, but that can be very difficult under some circumstances. Imagine, for example, having one's arm amputated during childhood. No matter how much time and growth take place after the amputation, the arm is never going to grow back. The best that can be done is to learn to use a prosthesis, which is nowhere near as good as a real arm.

    A few years ago, I was given the MMPI (Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory) at a psychology clinic where I was receiving counseling at the time. The test showed long-term, deep-rooted alienation that shows itself in distrust and pessimism, which by then had become basic personality traits. This is what my fear comes from.

    Posted 2 years ago by Leeny #

29. 

    Leeny, there may be people who disapprove, but those people do not know the whole story and the situation. The people who know you and all you have gone through to try and make things work will be supportive. Mr. L is broken beyond your ability to fix. He has no desire to be anything other than the selfish person that he is. I have a family member who is like Mr. L. I can empathise with your frustration in knowing that he could be so much more functional if he had the desire to do so. His attituide has nothing whatsoever to do with you and falls back to the family that enabled him to exist as less than his potential.

    I hope the legal system is supportive of you and that you do not end up having to support him in any fashion. He qualifies for aid. When you talk to your lawyer ask him to outline all of your options and to help chart a course that will protect your assets, credit line and safety the best. Please do go to a shelter or a friends house when you serve the papers. Ask your lawyer about getting a restraining order that goes into effect the day the papers are served. So that if he tries to find you, you can call the police for his mere presence.

    I am so sorry about all that you suffered from your family. I am glad that you are still working toward a healthier life. Getting a divorce and being able to live a less stressed life on your own will hopefully help. You deserve to be happy, healthy and safe.

    Posted 2 years ago by KYKAT 12 23 #

30. 

    "Mr. L is broken beyond your ability to fix."

    So many people tried to tell me that, KYKAT, before I married him. I know that now; I wish I had acknowledged it then.

    His own family, what there is left of it, is on my side. He's told me several times that his mother knows in heaven what is happening on earth and is upset with me about what I'm doing. Well, I've talked with my mother-in-law, and the sense I get is that she is sorry: sorry for what her son has done to me and sorry for her contribution to his maladjustment.

    If our mothers had been alive when he assaulted me, mine would have kicked his butt all the way to Tampa and his would have kicked it all the way back.

    Posted 2 years ago by Leeny #

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