I've kind of been dodging TDK because of this, too. It takes up where the thread "The lawyer appointment" left off. Most of it comes from an e-mail I sent to my sister-in-law:
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H was talking about postponing until January some reforms I required last March, and I told him that January would be too late. He got mad and said he didn't like having a deadline. I told him, with equal vehemence, that he wasn't getting a deadline, he had gotten an extension; I could have filed for divorce in early September after he did not go to his therapist in August (a cancellation and subsequent no-show, after which he was dismissed from her practice). That happened to be the evening of the day on which I saw my lawyer for the last pre-filing consultation. I told H some of the specifics of the impending separation process. As he put it later, "a light went on in his head"; he finally realized that this was actually going to happen. I really was leaving and taking the cats, and his life was about to become a lot less secure and pleasant. We agreed to put off until January any decisions about our future. He even volunteered, if things aren't going well then, to file for an annulment to try to avoid my having to file for divorce. (He's been telling me for years that no one ever taught him how to be a husband and he isn't able to carry out the role. I used to offer to teach him; I then used to tell him he's had a lot of years in which to learn; I finally started telling him to tell it to a judge and ask for an annulment.)
Since then, he has become quite a reformed character. He's going out of his way to do his job as the homemaker, to be kind and affectionate toward me, and to take on some adult responsibility for himself. The task he wanted to put off until January (moving the TV out of the living room into the second bedroom, which was being used as a storeroom) is completed. He cancelled the pay channels that he had on the cable service and combined our phone service with cable, saving us considerable money. He is taking the initiative in getting financial assistance to have his remaining four teeth removed. He's also been accepted as a patient by a private psychiatrist, who has put him on two new medications that seem to be working very well. The doctor made some recommendations for a new therapist, and H chose the one whom the doctor said was his first choice and saw the therapist yesterday. The therapist says of himself that he’s “not a pushover”, is going to require H to do homework, and will hold him responsible for his behavior with no excuses. It seems a very good match to me.
Now, I well realize that this could be a temporary response. It's possible, though, that H has encountered, perhaps for the first time in his life, a serious consequence for his unacceptable actions that is not going to go away if he yells, threatens, or otherwise escalates obnoxious behavior. He tried all that. He'd yell for hours about what he'd do if I divorced him, that he'd get legal aid after me, demand half my income for spousal support, call a former caseworker, make his sister get involved with managing his affairs, and just generally make things as legally and financially difficult for me as possible. It didn't work; it just helped to bring about that which he wanted to avoid.
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The lawyer appointment was on 10/21 and on 11/2 I mailed the message on which this is based to my sister-in-law. So far, so good; H is still working hard at being a good husband.
