Dear TDK Family,
As lots of you are aware, there is a TDK group on Face Book made up of people from our TDK site here. It’s not to replace our beloved TDK, it’s just an additional place where it’s so much easier to post photos, videos and links. Earlier this week I had told the FB TDK group that I was leaving TDK, after much thought. I didn’t reach that decision because of anything that was done to me, but rather because of actions that have been taken here against another member of our TDK family. To say that I felt bad about all of it would be an understatement. I felt confused, ashamed for us all and discouraged that we seem to have lost our way, in a sense. Well, after some discussion on the FB site, I discovered that there are actually a good many of our TDK family who are, or who have been, feeling the same way – that something has gone astray here. We all collectively agree that TDK is a wonderful, wonderful place where we have many so many friends, and where we have learned so much. And so, I decided that the thing to do was not to leave, but maybe the better thing was to try and help get us back to where we have always been. As one of our family said, “Something has changed with TDK but I can’t quite put my finger on it”. And with that, I have to agree. Something has changed but change does not equal broken and I have too many memories with this group to leave without trying. TDK has always been such a happy place, a warm place, a supportive place and a place where everyone is welcomed. Personally, I don’t want to see us lose the best qualities of ourselves and of this little family. It is a sad thing when our own KittenMaster has to call us out… again… on our behavior, and even to tell us that he will shut this site down if need be. None of us wants that, I know. So all of us need to work together and have TDK be the place that we have all grown to love. I am still just so overwhelmed when I think of some of the things that we have done here that you probably wouldn’t see on another site – CM’s baby shower, the outpouring of love and support when we lose one of our own – human or animal, the birthday wishes and parties, the Christmas cards. You know that I could go on and on.
So – where to begin? First of all, please don’t read more into what I will say that what I have actually said – I will try to choose my words carefully but you can’t see me, and you can’t hear my voice and I think that has lead to some of the problems in the past. I mean only what you are reading and nothing more. Secondly, please don’t think that I am talking to “YOU”…… I am talking to “US”. There is a big difference.
It has always been a core belief of mine that we have something to learn from every person that we meet on our journey through this life. Some of it we agree with, some of it maybe not so much, but regardless we do learn. Some of us have, perhaps, a better way of phrasing things than others. Emma, for example, has a magical way with words. Some of us are more abrupt while others try to go to such extremes to phrase things in a way that won’t offend anyone that you really don’t know what they are saying. Then there are those of us, like me, who can say in fifty words what most people can say in five. The point is, it’s all learning. I hope to never see a time when, on TDK, there isn’t a place for all points of view. We are all different. We have different backgrounds. We have different life experiences. We have different emotions. But we are all valuable. There’s a saying in Texas, “Ain’t none of us goin’ get out of this thing alive”. That’s so true but we need to help each other on the journey. We can hold hands and help each other across the street so that no one gets lost.
Given that lengthy introduction (sorry) I would just like to maybe bring up a few points of things that I have noticed of late. And then I hope that all of you will do the same. KM wisely set some rules for us when he began the chat site. They are brief (unlike mine), to the point and succinct. But we fail over and over to follow his requests of us. What does it really mean to be “fluffy”? Maybe that’s open to interpretation but I think that it partially means that we need to treat others as we would like to be treated. Come to think of it, I think that there is a rule about that. I think that it means to consider what someone is saying with our best effort and not to fly off the handle (which, I might add is something that I excel at – the flying part). I think that it means to be gentle with each other, to be considerate, to be understanding but not to be judgmental or cruel. I think that it means that we don’t go after someone with a vendetta and with the idea to drive them away.
So how can we get back to where we have been – the warm, fun, safe, understanding and supportive community that we all love? Okay, here goes – some of my thoughts. And again, I am NOT talking about “YOU” so please don’t get angry and stomp off.
Everyone is welcomed here. All points of view, no matter how different they might be from our own. If you don’t agree, then the best thing is to just not read those threads. Goodness knows that I don’t read all of the threads – I simply don’t have that much time. And if you KNOW that you are going to disagree with someone, either find a way to have an adult dialog about it or just don’t read that person’s threads. But we need to be kind and we need to be our own police. If someone is being “unfluffy” then I think we need to, in a gentle way, defuse that topic. But what we don’t want is for someone here to be endlessly and mercilessly attacked until they just leave. Really, Family – that is just wrong and it should never happen.
Please don’t get your feelings hurt, or be angry, if not everyone responds to your threads. It isn’t personal and you are not intentionally being slighted. I’ve started threads only to realize that no one read it, but I’m okay with that. We’re all busy and sometimes we miss threads.
We all are supportive of one another here but, to my knowledge, none of us are psychiatrists. We really should never be using an on-line chat group as our personal therapists. For one thing, with all good intentions we could offer “help” that is actually detrimental. And, we should all remember that what we say on TDK is not secure but rather it is available to anyone who wants to read it. I have been quite ill at ease at times here when it is almost as though TDK is being used as a therapist and I have to say, as a nurse, that I think that is dangerous. We can listen and suggest that we get true professional help when it’s needed, but I don’t think that the intent of KM in starting TDK was ever for any of us to bring problems here that really do need professional help, or for any of us to hang out a shingle that makes us think that we are qualified to tackle huge problems.
Along those lines, I’m not sure that we really need to be discussing our health issues to such a great degree. When I was doing home health nursing, my team mates gave me the nickname of “Nurse Rat S_ _ T” because for some bizarre reason I’m actually very good at treating GI problems, or figuring out what’s wrong. But I’m retired now and I truthfully don’t want to come to TDK to read about bodily emissions. Maybe that’s just me, I don’t know.
TDK has something to offer everyone – or at least we should. Not everyone wants to grab a whack-bonk stick, or stick a kitten in a backpack, or shoot snot from Texas to NM (one of my personal favorite pastimes!). But for those of us who like to engage in that silliness (me included) then by all means – fling that snot. I have always looked at those activities on TDK as our most creative selves. The skating parties, the birthday parties, the wild Night Shifts. When my mother-in-law was alive and living in assisted living, I would print some of our antics here and send them to her. She thought that they were wildly imaginative, fun and witty and they brightened her day. That doesn’t, however, mean that people are not welcomed here if they don’t want to do those sorts of things. Everyone should feel free to start threads, or join in, on things that are comfortable for them. No one should EVER feel forced to do something, or feel excluded in any way, if they don’t do something.
Remember the old Coke Rules that we had? If you type something in anger, or hurt, before you hit that “enter” key go off and drink a coke. Or better yet, a martini. Cool down, come back and see if you are still angry. We all need to remember that you really can’t “take something back” once it’s been read by anyone. Just try to think how you would feel if you were attacked, which no one should be in the first place. So let’s just try to, as President Lincoln so beautifully said:
"We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature."
All families need growth, and we are no exception. We are so blessed when a new member finds us – we have a new friend and probably a bunch of new kitties to love. We need to take it as our personal mission that new members feel welcomed here and that they not feel that there are cliques within TDK. Frankly, I remember cliques from high school and I’m WAY too old to want to deal with that again. We are a family – we are not the Hatfield’s and McCoy’s where we ask people to pick one group or another to align themselves with. We are one – we are TDK.
We need to put the fun back in TDK. We need to put the warmth back – it’s still there, it just gets hidden sometimes. Some of my fondest memories here are of the meet-ups. Of Mr. WWM asking me, “Are you for real? We’re going to drive all the way to Dallas and back just for lunch??”. Or thinking that that crazed British woman in London running up to anyone who even remotely looked like an American, asking if she was WWM! Now, whenever we travel, Mr. WWM actually asks me if we’re going to be meeting up with some TDKer’s. Those have been such special times and I think that we have all loved them. It bowls me over that MKW actually came on holiday to the U.S. just to visit TDK friends. Awesome! We do NOT want to lose that.
We have lots of members who have left for whatever reason. But I think that many of them left because of the bickering. They just got tired of it, and went somewhere else. And when we lose a friend that way, they may be lost to us forever.
So, here’s what I propose: please read what I’ve written and add your own thoughts. Let’s all of us pledge to restore TDK to its former glory and to do that we will have to do a bit of policing. We’re not going to call anyone out because we aren’t about picking on people. But, if a discussion gets out of hand, we need to have the courage to stop it or to redirect it.
Finally, please, please, please let old grudges or hurts go. That is past – this is now. I have learned, in my somewhat long life, that if you harbor a grudge against someone it hurts only you. The person who is the object of your wrath is probably blissfully unaware of how you feel while you, on the other hand, are giving yourself ulcers. In the grand scheme of life, not much of what happens on TDK will impact the world. So please, just let those bad feelings go.
Dear Family, I hope that you’ll receive this in the spirit in which I offer my thoughts. This is a special place and you all are special people.
With love,
WWM
