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1. 

   I just came home from a visit to my parents...My father treats me as tho I were 10....Every time he talks to me (and it's to me, not with me), he feels the need to increase his attitude (read become belligerent), his volume, and the amount of obscenities. I am unable to talk with my mother about this, as she sees this as him "being playful". He tells me that he doesn't give a shit what I do (in those exact words), then lectures me... I am not 10, I'm 47. I hold down an excellent job. I've been on my own for 25 years. I've tried putting space inbetween myself and my parents, if they weren't my parents, I'd have nothing to do with them.

   It's not as though I have seen this before, we have been severely dysfunctional for 42 years...but man, I only see as the possible solution is to stay away from them for they see themselves as the innocent victims, them never doing anything wrong, and me never doing anything right...

   Posted 4 years ago by CSBM #

2. 

   {{{hugs}}}

   Sorry to hear about your trouble with your parents. I do understand. Whenever I see my dad, I have to keep him on certain topics so I don't get lectured or hear him rant about my mother and their divorce 12 years ago (although he doesn't seem to be upset about that as much anymore).

   I don't know if it's possible for you to keep control of the conversation and focus it on the weather, though, so perhaps distance is the best thing ...

   Posted 4 years ago by Cats4Cats #

3. 

   Cheri, I kinda of have the same issue with my family, but they choose to make remarks about my weight and tell me i'm a f*ckup all the time. I graduated college, have a good stable job, and am happy. Somehow, they could never realize that. My solution to this problem was to just let go. I know it is easier said then done. I chose not to put myself in those toxic situations, and even if they are my "family", my definition of family is people who love and support you, not tear you down every chance they get. So, now I don't talk to my family very much, they only family that I am in contact with on a regular basis is my brother. And to be honest with you, I like it that way. I know this seems like a mouthful, but I can relate and I'm sorry that you have to deal with that. I know it can be very painful. <3

   Posted 4 years ago by AnimalLuvr82 #

4. 

   Then stay away from them Cheri. You wouldn't drink something that was bad for you right? Then why be around people that are bad for you too.

   I had problems with my parents when I was younger, so for about 5 years I didn't see them. I did the occasional phone call and sent presents at Christmas, but I never went and spent time with them.

   Do what is best for you. Yes, they are your parents, but that doesn't mean they have the right to treat you badly.

   Posted 4 years ago by Instinct #

5. 

   It is always amazing to me that no matter how old we are, our parents are the most capable of inflicting pain. My father is now deceased, but he was very difficult in many ways. In my eary 20's I had to cut off from him for about 4 years. It was a very difficult thing to do but I needed to stay away from his negative influence. When we strated communicating again he was really not much different , but I was stronger and able to cope. I think that somtimes we have to stay away from destructive influences in our lives.
   I wish you well, and I'm glad that you are back home.

   Posted 4 years ago by Tigerlilly #

6. 

   Cheri...I'm sorry for this awful, disappointing visit with the folks..Remember..you can't pick your parents but you can pick your friends and you did a great job of that one cause here we are. Sounds like your dad's antics are no surprise. What can you do? 1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.10, smile..you only have to visit when you want!

   Posted 4 years ago by Karenopa #

7. 

   They say you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family...sorry you've had a rough visit Cheri, Instinct is right - staying away is probably for the best. Stick with your TDK family instead! xx

   Posted 4 years ago by MadcatwomanintheUK #

8. 

   Cheri, just read on the night shift that you emailed your parents. Are you ready to cut all ties? It sounds like that's what you need to do to preserve your sanity. Back at Thanksgiving weren't you dreading their visit? Make it a clean break then. No contact. Stay strong, my sister, as someone said we can't choose our family, and if they destroy the relationship, you have to accept that or you can't move on. You can choose your response. Blessings for you.

   Posted 4 years ago by paulajeanne #

9. 

   Hang in there Cheri. Just try and do what you think is best, my thoughts are with you.

   Julie

   Posted 4 years ago by daisy mew #

10. 

    Oh, Cheri - I understand so completely. My father has passed away but he could inflict more pain on me than anyone on this earth. In his eyes I just never seemed to measure up. At least, that's what I thought due to his words and actions. And yet, my very perfect sister (at least how I saw it), was not named as his medical durable power of attorney, or as the executor of his will. Rather it was me, always the lessor. Maybe he just could never express that I actually was worth something. Still, there is no pain like that of the rejection of a parent. All I can tell you is ... believe in yourself.

    Posted 4 years ago by WillowandWindismom #

11. 

    So sorry, Cheri, dear. {{{hugs}}}

    Sometimes we do need to cut off contact with relatives who aim to hurt us. I did that with one of mine, and found that I felt like I had finally dropped a huge burden.

    Biology is just biology, sometimes.

    A lifetime of shared love and kindness, understanding and laughter, creates a bond that's worth repairing, but it sure doesn't sound like that's what they've built for you.

    There's a definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If a previously loving parent changes attitude towards you suddenly, it might be mental illness, which calls for patience and understanding, but that's entirely different from your situation.

    A good rule of thumb: Would you stay with a boyfriend who treated you like that? Would you call somebody a friend who treated you like that? Then why would you let somebody else treat you like that, just because they're related to you?

    Posted 4 years ago by AnnF #

12. 

    Oh Cheri! I do understand. Sounds like my ex-husband. Although he didn't use any profanity and everyone thought him to be a wonderful person! Until I left and then they said, why did you wait so long??? (needed self confidence) ..
    Never looked back. Yes, stay away from the negative people. If you are dreading something, don't go there! Ann F... good words!

    Posted 4 years ago by SammyandOliversmama #

13. 

    I agree with everybody. I know it may seem harsh to distance yourself from your parents, but sometimes you just have to do it for your own emotional health. About eight years ago ago I had this boyfriend who undermined me so bad that I wound up in the hospital under suicide watch! Some people, relatives or not, are just "toxic" and you are better off without them. Stay strong, Cheri!

    Posted 4 years ago by hoosiercatlover #

14. 

    well, the aftermath of the emails is that I was able to convince my father to delete them and not read them. i have certainly learned the rule never to send hate email when angry...i won't ever do that again to anyone on the planet !!!!

    what I have decided to do is not to be alone with my father ever again...at least there will be a witness to his ravings, which hopefully will either eliminate them or tone them down...same thing for my mom...

    Posted 4 years ago by CSBM #

15. 

    Cheri, I think the advice that you have been given here is very valuable. It sounds to me as though you need to distance yourself from your parents. A short phone call just to say hello or card once in a while is all you need to do. Parents need to be supportive not the ones to try to tear us down.

    Posted 4 years ago by SylvesterMiasMomma #

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