My father died yesterday. We had not spoken in 17 years. I cut him out of my life because he sexually abused me as a pre-adolescent. I did not expect to feel the sadness and sense of loss that I am feeling today. It is very confusing because I have spent the last 17 years making sure he could not find me--even changed my name--first, middle, AND last!--so he couldn't trace me. My aunt-his sister-had given him the message that if he ever repented and apologized I would try to forge some kind of relationship with him--civil if not close. He never chose to do that. So why am I feeling so hurt and abandoned now? I am 59 years old for heaven's sake-past time that I should want my father! And yet-I wish it were so.
I m very confused. Please send some prayers and the TDK light my way? I need to get some perspective on this. Funny--in my working days I often did grief counseling with my patients, but when it's my life it "ain't so easy"! Thanks for the prayers in advance. Hugs to you all, ginger (rainingwolf).
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Please-need prayers.
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Posted 3 years ago by rainingwolf #
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Oh rainingwolf...You have my prayers and white light too...I think what you mourn is the father who..to his dieing day did not admit his wrong doing..or attempt to righten this nightmare he created so long ago. You mourn what should have been and what can never be. I'm so sorry...{{{hugs}}}
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Big Huggs and lots of Prayers for you :-(
Posted 3 years ago by TheKnittingNinja #
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Ginger, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Death is hard no matter what age and I think even circumstances. If I may offer an opinion, I think you are also grieving, not for the man, but for the father you didn't have, one he should have been. You know that chapter is finally closed, no repentance, no apology. I am so sorry for what has been done to you when you were younger. Life is not easy and sometimes no answers. work though the grief, cry, get angry, get sad, it's what you need to heal from everything. Just remember, he is gone and don't let him have a hold on your life anymore. No one should have that kind of power, especially after they are gone. {{HUGS}}
Jen
Posted 3 years ago by cricketsmama #
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Rainingwolf, I know exactly what you are going thru. When my father announced last July that he had cancer, I felt nothing for him. and I still don't. I am going thru the motions for other family members and his friends, because it's expected...but nothing is touching my heart...
5 weeks ago, I made a decision never to be alone with him ever again, after 47 years of mental abuse, and physical abuse from his hands 1 year ago on Easter Sunday. I thought I was going to die that day at his hands... The only things that made me choose not to call the police is that there were no witnesses and no external bruises. He and my mother have left me with permanent mental damages...which I refuse to forgive because they will not admit any wrongdoing...
I've got to get off this topic now or I'll be crying very hard very soon...
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Oh wow, Ginger. That's a tough one. Agree with cricketsmama, what you may be grieving is the loss of what should have been a healthy relationship that you never had. The kind that we expect from dads. Take care of your self. White light coming your way. How has your mom been, know she had some problems a while back too?
Posted 3 years ago by paulajeanne #
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Ginger, I am so sorry but I agree with Karen and Cricketsmama is that your grief is based in the knowledge that you never had the father you needed and deserved. Now that the only father you ever had is gone, you must come to grips with the fact that you never will have that father figure. Truly, I don't think that you are grieving over the loss of your biological father, but over what should have been.
But that doesn't ease the pain and my prayers are with you.
Posted 3 years ago by WillowandWindismom #
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{{{hugs}}} - I'm so sorry Ginger, grief is a weird beast at the best of times, let alone in such complicated circumstances. Karen and CM are quite right, you are mourning the father you never had, yet a small part of you hoped he would change - now that can never be, it's like a double bereavement. I'll keep you in my prayers. It will get better. xx
Posted 3 years ago by MadcatwomanintheUK #
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Ginger, you have my deepest condolences and white light to surround you. I too agree with the others, the grief is more for the father you never had and deserved to have. Easy to say but it will take time for the healing to begin within your heart and soul, and you won't believe it now but it will happen.
Posted 3 years ago by AZDEBRA 5/27 & crew #
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Ginger, I agree with the others, but it is still the loss of a parent and you have a right to grieve for what should have been yours. I pray you will talk to someone---clergy, counselor---so you can have some closure.
Posted 3 years ago by Sheba's Mom in Raleigh, NC #
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I'm sorry for your loss, Ginger--loss of innocence, loss of childhood and loss of the opportunity for your father to seek and receive forgiveness for having wronged you. You have done what you had to do to survive. I admire the strength that got you through his abuse. You are a wonderful woman. It is perfectly OK to respond to this man's death in whatever way your heart takes you. Know that you are loved. {{hugs}}
Posted 3 years ago by Kitten Whisperer #
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Sweetie, You are a strong woman, don't let yourself feel anything for someone who could not have enough feelings or respet for you to apologize. What he did was wrong, and it will not go unpunished.
(the short version) My stepfather was physicaly abusive too, but never went to that level, I like to think it is because of Karma. He broke his neck in a car accident when I was 13yo. I laughed when they told me the news. He spent the rest of his life in a wheelchair, being verbally abusive to everyone around him, but no longer could hit anyone. He died 3 years ago, and I felt nothing.
{{{{HUGS}}}}} -
Rainingwolf, the death of a parent, no matter how wonderful or how awful, is very hard. As I grow older, I find it is the one thing I fear. Take care of yourself. Feed yourself well and sleep. There are many things that can be realized in a 'loved' one's death (I put the quotes there for a purpose). I found this out when my younger brother died. Elizabeth
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Rainingwolf, I send prayers and white light to you. You do not need to feel guilty--do not go back to that childhood place, stay firmly rooted in your adult life that you have created. You can mourn however you wish, you have that power now. It is always sad to lose a parent, especially when you know now that things can never be the way you wanted them to--he took away another choice when he passed. So get angry or be sad--let any feelings you have flow through you and deal with the reality so you can go forward from here. Just remember that you are loved and admired by a whole lot of people and draw from our strength when necessary.
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Ginger...my heart hurts for you and my prayers are coming your way. What a tangle of emotions you must feel. I pray that you find peace.
Posted 3 years ago by CatRancher #
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Rainingwolf, my prayers are with you. Everybody else said what I would have said, so I won't go there again. However, you are a strong person who has forged a new life for yourself. Don't allow your grief to pull you down. God Bless You!
Posted 3 years ago by hoosiercatlover #
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Father God, please wrap your loving arms around our friend Ginger tonight. Give her the peace and comfort that passes understanding in this very difficult time. I pray that in time she heals from the all of the grief that this man has caused. I ask these things in Jesus name. Amen.
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Darling Ginger, you have your Heavenly Father, and you should have had a good earthly father, but like many of us, you didn't.
Your grief is more terrible when you mourn for what could have been, for what should have been, but what never existed. You were abused and terrorized, as were Cheri and so many others. No child should be treated with anything less than complete acceptance and love, but that does not always happen.
Swine that walk upright are still swine, and now that wretched father of yours has come face to face with your Heavenly Father, Who knows everything.
I, personally, would not want to be in your earthly father's shoes.
Take the time to discern exactly what you are mourning, Ginger, and then grieve your loss, especially the loss of a possibility. No matter how good or how bad a parent was, the death of a mother or father is always devastating.
And Ginger, please remember you have powerful brothers and strong, steely-eyed sisters down here on earth who love you, and pray for you, and we are always, ALWAYS on your side.
You are loved, sweet girl, loved indeed.
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Raingwolf, I send my sympathy in the loss of your father. I am sorry for the years of abuse, and wish you closure and peace.
Posted 3 years ago by Lynn from PA 6/8 #
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Ginger, my thoughts are with you. Peace and hugs to you.
Posted 3 years ago by KapitiKats in NZ #
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I am SO very sorry for your loss,rainingwolf.
I'm also sorry I've not been around much lately, but that doesn't mean you're not still in my thoughts and my heart. This must be such a hard time for you.
All of my deepest prayers are with you and everyone that he loved and that love him. You are not now nor are you ever alone,rainingwolf. We love you too!
{{{HUGS}}} to you Ginger.
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