Daily Kitten Chat Forum » General Chat

1. 

   Why does it hurt me so much when the so called husband ignores me? He is off from work today and still left abot 8 am or so. I asked where he was heading to and he just said training. Bull****! They don't do weekend traing with his job. So yet again another lie.

   I am confused as to when I should bring up the issue of leaving. Should i tell him now or wait until the boys are out of school? I am just so tired of being ignored all the time. When I am not in close proximity of the boys and him, he is totally rude to them. The boys know something is up, just not sure what it is.

   I just want to be able to have a some what normal life and be able to support myself and the boys. Supporting us is my biggest worry, it scares me to death.

   I want to ask him what it is he wants, to be married or a divorce. What should I do guys?

   Posted 3 years ago by daisy mew #

2. 

   You know in your heart what to do. We can only give opinions... we cannot tell you what to do. The thought that keeps running through my mind is "what are you teaching your boys by staying?"

   Leaving is scary, I know. But what price are you paying by staying?

   HUGS to you my dear !!1

   Posted 3 years ago by 2 Popoki #

3. 

   I do plan on leaving. My dilema is as to when to tell him. I know you guys can't tell me what to do, but any advice does help. :)

   If I tell him now, most likely he will just leave the house and stay with his brother. If I wait, he will stay until we leave. Just unsure of which will be the best approach. Now, or later.

   Posted 3 years ago by daisy mew #

4. 

   Think of your mental health and that of the boys. How much longer can you accept and deal with the lies and the hurt -- how much longer do you want to subject your sons to his rude, uncaring treatment of them?

   There is no 'right' time... there is only the time that is best for all concerned... and I don't include the 'husband' as one of those concerned.

   There are many places out there that will/can help financially, if you are concerned about supporting the boys and yourself on your own. A job that pays $8/hr is more than the $0/hr you have now.

   I feel your hurt in your words. You are at least wise enough to know what you need to do. I know those who can't even see that. Sending you lots and lots of positive energy and strength. I care !!!

   Posted 3 years ago by 2 Popoki #

5. 

   Here are some of my thoughts:

   Surely he knows that the two of you are in a very low spot in your relationship. It probably wouldn't suprise him to know that you are considering leaving. You know you intend to leave. I'm not sure what the advantage would be in having him actually living in the same home with you and the boys at this time. You can bring the subject up when you are ready. Can you stand having things continue (or get worse) if you do nothing until school is out? What is the effect on the boys who know something is not right? It might be a relief to you both to start facing that elephant in the room.

   Find out if he would agree to an uncontested divorce. Ask him to help you financially so the two of you can end the marriage and move on with your lives. Figure out how the two of you will divide your "stuff" remembering that anything you want will have to be moved a great distance when you relocate. Make copies of any photos you might both want to keep.

   Continue making a specific, step-by-step plan that allows you to leave. Decide where you will go initially (sounds like you have a preference for the sister's home in Idaho). Find out what your sister or other family members can do to assist you in getting there. Pack your bags and go. Once you are there, you can get the boys in school and look for work. You might want to think about going back to school to add job skills if you need them. Many community colleges have programs for women who are transitioning from being stay-at-home moms to the workforce. There may be grants available to assist you in getting further education. You can do a lot of research online to find these resources.

   Glad you are posting again, Julie. Good luck with whatever you decide and let us know how you are!!

   Posted 3 years ago by Kitten Whisperer #

6. 

   Beautifully said KW. I had some of these same thoughts, but have trouble getting them out on the screen.

   Posted 3 years ago by 2 Popoki #

7. 

   Julie...HUGS & more HUGS to you. You are describing to a Tee what I am going thru with male partner here. I feel the loneliness in your voice when you speak of him ignoring you. My partner lives for the opportunity to make me feel worthless. One thing I have done to help w/my situation is calmly tell him that one day he will come home to find me gone & he will then feel the lonliness he's thrust upon me. And it also helps that I tell him when he least expects it,Bad Karma will hunt him down. I then enjoy the look of fear that suddenly takes over his expression.

   All I can tell you is be sure to let the kids know that the problems you & hubby are having are not their fault & that you love them very much (& I know you love them to death). They are so glad to have a mom like you. Hang in there & always know that your TDK family is here for you.

   Posted 3 years ago by feral #

8. 

   Julie, I have been through this, though the situation was slightly different. My sister has been through this, also. We both stepped up and made the change. You have the power to change your life if you choose to do so. He can only hurt you if you let him. You sound like a strong, resourceful woman who has a good head on her shoulders. Like KW said, make your plans carefully and then carry them out. You won't know how good you'll feel until you do.

   Posted 3 years ago by MaxandCali'sMom #

9. 

   Hi Julie...I hear your sorrow and the uncertainty is creeping in once more. Like the others here I suspect your husband senses the impending end and may even be working overtime to bring it about. I'm sooooo angry that he treats your wonderful boys rudely and wonder if it couldn't be benificial to calmly confront him on this particular rudeness. Maybe not so much in from of the boys but in private. As he witnesses you holding him accountable for his obviously poor behavior it may be a strengthening tool on your part. Just a small display of your new non-acceptance of how he has turned all your lives upside down. How you can be calm, strong, unaccepting of the things he believes he can get away with. He deserves to spend a little time wondering just who this new Julie is and if it causes him the least amount of pain and uncertainty himself....well Good! I know how hard it is to consider supporting your kids without him...You grossly underestimate your power and strength. Even the smallest part time/any pay position you feel comfortable with may start you on the road of confidence you are going to need. You are all the boys have...show them the determination and drive one displays in the face of injustice and dead-end roads. They will learn from your hardships in life how to handle their own later on. God Bless Julie. You're in my prayers.

   Posted 3 years ago by Karenopa #

10. 

    Julie, you also might want to consult a divorce attorney in your state to find out exactly what you can expect both financially and regarding his visitation rights for the boys, if you haven't already done so. Some attorneys may offer an initial consultation at no charge.... My heart goes out to you, I can hear the pain in your posts. Like MMM said, you won't know how good you'll feel until you carry out your plans.

    Posted 3 years ago by kittymom #

11. 

    Julie I am sorry and worried to hear that this situation has not come to a conclusion yet! You need to think about yourself and your boys! What is best for you 3? Staying in a home where the father figure is rude, cruel and mental or verbally abusive to his stepchildren, and what about your end? A husband that is not a partner to his wife, not helping to share the load, treating you as nothing more then a carpet or excuse me a pair of underwear that he can pull on and off when he feels like it? You are a wonderful woman and mother and are not being treated how you deserve to be! Stop looking at what you need to do for him. I'd say get your plans in action find a place and one weekend when he has "training" move the necessities you and your b oys need to the new place and then once they are safe you can either leave a note or place a call! No need to face him face to face since all you mostly see of him is his back and ass!

    Now this is my belief and feelings my suggestion but the true decision and path in your life needs to be made by YOU! We here on the TDK unfortunately and wisely can't make this decision for you! I will send light and prayers and love your way that you will make up your mind and set a goal and path for yourself and your boys!

    Love,

    LV

    Posted 3 years ago by Momma to 2 MaineCoons #

12. 

    AARRGGHH! He just got home and I asked if he had checked his email. He says no. I told him I had sent him an email asking him when we could talk about everything going on. His response, "I'll check it" then turns his attention back to the f*&*ing TV again. So here I sit upstairs in my room trying my hardest not to go down there and start an argument. AARRGGHH! You would think that if your significant other brings something up about your relationship, you could turn the tv off and actually look at them. Guess I am wrong in my thinking.

    Posted 3 years ago by daisy mew #

13. 

    Any particular reason you are waiting for it to be convenient to him?? What would the downside be of going downstairs and telling him you want to talk to him NOW?

    Posted 3 years ago by Kitten Whisperer #

14. 

    Julie, go turn off the tv and tell him, We need to talk NOW. Don't plead, don't cry, don't yell. Speak calmly, rationally and level headed. This will show him you are serious. He already dismisses you like a pest on the wall. Go talk to him. If he even gets abusive, you get your kids and animals and get the heck out of there immediately.

    Posted 3 years ago by cricketsmama #

15. 

    Julie, I'm hoping the fact you haven't posted for half an hour means you're downstairs telling him what a miserable excuse for a husband he is, and that you've had enough. Don't ask him what he wants - it's patently obvious he can't be bothered to change anything, and is just hoping it'll all go away. Tell him that enough is enough, and it's time to make arrangements to split for everybody's sake. {{hugs}}

    Posted 3 years ago by MadcatwomanintheUK #

16. 

    Julie, I assume the kids are out of school in about 6 weeks. Start making your plans now and have the next day be your target date for moving. Have you acted on any of the advice given previously? Have you set up you own bank account and P.O. Box? Have you started doing the paying job for the neighbor to get more money? There are things you can do to start getting prepared. When you are ready then just go. Don't have an I'm leaving conversation. Leave and have an I've left conversation. He is so dismissive of you as a person, that I worry that the next thing he will do is harm you physically. If he lays so much as a finger on you or the boys or even threatens to. CALL THE POLICE and after they arrest him press charges.

    Posted 3 years ago by KYKAT 12 23 #

17. 

    I wish I could change bodies with Julie for a couple of hours. The first thing i would have done is called him several times over the day to see how his "training" is going. There is a device you can have installed under the car, it is intended for parents of teens, that you go onto your computer and watch where the car is going as if on a GPS system. You could see where he goes and then show up there and act surprised to see him. While he was watching tv and ignoring me, I would casually walk around buck naked. This would include walking to the television and blocking his view, then bending over to pick something up off the floor.

    Posted 3 years ago by Catwoman #

18. 

    one of friends who left her husband had her friends waiting on a side street near their house. after he left for work one day, they cleaned out the house and moved her to a different city 60 miles away from him...

    she left a "good bye" note on the mantle...

    Posted 3 years ago by CSBM #

19. 

    Pretty sad when you feel you have to email your spouse and ask when is a good time to talk. I agree. Just do it now.

    Catwoman.. I did that buck naked thing with my ex. It was 9;30 p.m. and he was on the phone. I felt he should be off the phone and spending time with me since both boys were out of the house for the evening. Since I am saying 'ex' ... you can guess that he did not get off the phone1.. HA !

    Posted 3 years ago by 2 Popoki #

20. 

    OP, that must have been one important phone call! LOL

    Posted 3 years ago by Catwoman #

21. 

    Julie, you need to follow through with what you feel. This situation has gone on so long and you and the boys are so tired. It is time, girlfriend, to lace up the boots and move on. This is a bad situation mentally and emotionally for all of you. If you are talking in email, obviously you are not talking to each other. If you want to continue this situation, so be it, but it is time to find a safe place for you and your children and move on. The hardest step is the next one. I am by your side in spirit. For the sake of you and your children, please move on. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Lynn

    Posted 3 years ago by Lynn from PA 6/8 #

22. 

    Sometimes in a relationship we get so used to being treated badly that after a while we get used to it.

    Don't ever do that to yourself.

    Get mad, make a plan, and get out.

    You deserve better, and so do your sons.

    There is a comfort level in staying with the devil you know (your husband) rather than going with the devil you don't know (life without him).

    Quit giving power to this creep. He is a game player and a waste of plasma.

    And you deserve better, Julie. You REALLY do!

    My ex decided that he respected me hugely after we split, and he said that he wanted me back. I told him that if he was the best I could do in life, I would rather be alone until I died.

    And if I had not gotten rid of him, I would either be dead by now or be one more bitter old woman with nothing but rotten memories and a load of regrets.

    You cannot control the length of your life, dear, but you can control its depth and its breadth.

    For your own sake and the sake of your sons, quit wasting your life, your health, and your happiness by staying with a man who does not respect you.

    Quit selling yourself short.

    Posted 3 years ago by Emma #

23. 

    Julie, I echo what KM and what Cricketsmama have said. I hope you can find the strength to take care of you and the boys. We are all here for you.

    Posted 3 years ago by SylvesterMiasMomma #

24. 

    Well put Emma! Julie I know about being a bitter old woman...Emma makes great sense as do all the family members here. We will all rejoice with you when you have this time to look back upon...but now is the time to move forward. Sending you prayers and white light for strength and courage.

    Posted 3 years ago by Karenopa #

25. 

    Well, the boys are asleep so I decided it was time to try and talk with him. Went down stairs and sat in the chair right across from him. He totally ignored me. So I asked him if he was going to talk with me or just ignore me. Can you believe he actually told me when he was playing his game. OMG! I really think he is trying to make me do something to start a fight. I am so upset right now. The last thing I said was that I really made me fell loved since he couldn't put the game down and talk to me. What a jerk!

    Going to check on the boys one more time and then go to bed. I just want to scream.

    Posted 3 years ago by daisy mew #

26. 

    I think your husband has made it clear by his actions that he has no regard for you at all. Trying to talk to him may be a complete waste of time. Move forward with your plans (and actions) to leave this man. Your life will be better without him in it. You don't have to be concerned with how he might feel about you leaving. He clearly has no concern for your feelings.
    I will keep you in my prayers, Julie!

    Posted 3 years ago by Kitten Whisperer #

27. 

    It is obvious he is avoiding the issue and he wants you to explode so he has an excuse to leave. Keep your wits about you and remain calm. Going to bed is a good idea.

    Posted 3 years ago by SylvesterMiasMomma #

28. 

    I would say, "You are not going to disrespect me like this in my own home. Turn off the television right now before I put a brick through it. Now; apparently, by your actions you are showing me that you do not want to be married to me. Yet you do this pathetic little passive-aggressive bull$%^# which shows you are a limp-&^$%#ed wuss. Sh%& or get off the pot, Weenie."

    Posted 3 years ago by Catwoman #

29. 

    It is time to stop being hurt.
    Quit trying to communicate with him. He will not give you any satisfaction. He will not give you the love of a father, spouse, brother, friend or what ever substitute you were seeking.
    He will, however, derive what ever sick satisfaction your attempts to solicit his love or at minimum attention that he wants from this so called relationship. Don't feed his power-seeking behavior.
    You will need to pull yourself together and build a life without him.
    Just consider him to be an inconvenient piece of furniture until you can get that job, lawyer and move.
    Quit striving for a reaction. Dueling passive agression will net you nothing except stomach distress or heartache.
    Fueling your own self-esteem by building your and your children's path to freedom and respect is a better investment of your energy.

    Posted 3 years ago by ailuromaniac #

30. 

    Julie...before you walk out that door...throw said brick thru the T.V. Oh boy,what will he do without it?

    Posted 3 years ago by feral #

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