Julie, I can't add a thing as far as advice goes, but I can and will add my prayers and support to you and your wonderful children. Good wishes my dear, that you can find the strength to do what you need to do.
Daily Kitten Chat Forum » General Chat
Hurt
(67 posts)-
-
Julie, I just read through everything again and have to point out to you, it is time to stop letting his actions hurt you. You have to stand up for yourself and stop being sad, sitting in a chair and asking him to please talk to you then leaving the room to cry, sending emails, etc. It is increasing his disdain towards you for letting him get away with treating you that way. Think of PM, who caught a boyfriend talking on the phone to another woman in the middle of the night while he was visiting PM's grandmother with her far from home--she did not ask him meekly to explain, she did not go back to her room and cry, she THREW HIM OUT into the street on the spot! Since you are married to this fool it will be a little more complicated, but you need some of that attitude. Start making his life with this other woman more difficult. Start snooping so you know what is going on. Now is the time to get your head out of the sand! Sorry for the tough talk, but this has gone on long enough and I care enough about you to tell you straight!
-
Check into http://e-pops.org/love/index.html and see if you might see something there that you may have missed in your relationship. Especially the second part... It's easy to become lax or not understand something because our parents may not have exhibited it.
It's just some thoughts on the subject that I put together.
Me...
-
-
Ragweed:
Your little text is about a two way street:
She R elies on him for protection. I was and to a great extent still am fearful of strangers. During the early years of our relationship I could not even call a plumber because I did not know them personally. My plumbing was only repaired when my Dad (a former steam and pipe fitter) and I fixed it.
She E nters his world as best friend. We met in a college music class and began by enjoying our mutual love of music.
She S aves herself physically for him;no flirting with others, etc. He is still the only man I seriously even dated.
She P ampers him. Special meals, Sending him to enjoy meals at his favorite Mexican Restaraunt (I cannot eat Mexican food and this was the exclusive fare) with his best male friend. This list will get far too long
She E njoys hearing his thoughts. This will be too long if I quote his "plans to succeed in business." And I even believed in him and his dreams.
She C heers him on; She's proud of him and praises him. Well I am not there to cheer him on but I told countless people of his accoumplishments and talents even after he lost interest in "playing house" with me (We were legaly married for just short of 25 years.
She T rusts him explicitly. Until he threw infidelity in my face.
Her E yes of admiration only for him. See: She C heers him on;
She D olls herself up for him. I did not even dress up for church unless he was coming with us. I sewed to have nice outfits for when we attended symphony and other events where he provided the PA and Lighting. I would change into them in Ladie's rooms after wearing grungies to help setup speakers, lights and running cables to mikes...etc.
I will not speak further ill of the father of my children by going through your much shorter list for the Woman.
You cannot have the energy (translate love and support) one way forever. The giving party burns out and the dynamo collapses.
I am sure there are those where the short circuit is on her side. And the short on one side can lead to the short on the other when the overloaded party burns out.
Posted 4 years ago by ailuromaniac #
-
-
Morning all,
I want to say thanks for all the support and advice first off. It really does help getting everyone's input. Some of it made me laugh.
Yes, I would love to take the aggressive stance in this matter, but I would be met with anger if I did. I am not weak in any manner for choosing the timing. I am just looking to avoid an all out war. Which is something the boys do not need to see. If I walked in front of the tv naked, I would most likely be pinned to the floor and be taken cruelly, something I have no desire for. Sounds like a great way to get his attention, but would turn out horribley.
I know what I need to do, but I need to do it in my way. I already know what his answer is just on the basis of the way he treats me. I just need to do it slowly for my own piece of mind. Not to mention that he can throw us out of here at any moment, stop the support and leave us with nothing. Which would mean no car, no money and no way to leave.
I am not upset with anyone's comments, please don't think that. I would love to do what PM did and throw him out. Unfortunately he is the one on the lease and the service member, not us. All he has to do is cancel the lease and move into the barracks and we are screwed. Destroying the tv sounds good also, but it wouldn't solve anything. Get a bit of my aggression out yes, but solves nothing. Just pisses him off more. Which is something I want to avoid at all costs.
Plaes don't think I am dissmissing any of the advice, it really helps me hearing all of it. It does make me stronger and also lets me know that there is someone out there that cares. :)
Today will be the day I confront him and all the crap. I will check in a bit later. Don't worry i will be fine. Thanks for all the love and support.
-
Oh Julie, just be careful. Please check in later. {{hugs}}
Posted 4 years ago by cricketsmama #
-
-
-
hugs and prayers to you and your boys julie. hope everything works out! my sister was in a similar situation with her ex. he was in the marines. he ended up leaving her with no money and no car and a 1 year old to take care of. but she (and my nephew)are doing great today!
Posted 4 years ago by dieselsmom #
-
I have nothing much to add except I will pray for you today, stay safe. Please just know that you and your boys deserve better.
Posted 4 years ago by Tigerlilly #
-
-
When I'd written my comments earlier, I was indeed considering that marriage is a two way street and "one way" avenues are not right or good. There was a second side which the man/husband is to be doing.
Indeed he has missed a lot of his side of the marriage. I know a one sided marriage is not only difficult, but heart-breaking. I felt that maybe it would alert her to something that could be mended.
I prefer restoration of relationships, but also understand that there are times in which it may be better to end it... but only as a last resort.
I've been though a marriage that was very one sided... I was doing my part and nothing in return but mental and emotional abuse... and some physical abuse.
A wise old man once told me that marriage is not 50/50... but rather 90/10. If both parties are expecting on giving 90% and receiving 10%, then both should be happy.
I tend to agree, however when one party decides to take 90% and give 10%.... the relationship is divided and cannot stand.
I know what this is like. My prayers are with you.
Ragweed...
-
No harm no foul Ragweed. I am going to take the boys to see Horton Hears A who and try to unwind after the loud discussion that i just had with hubby. I am stressed and not wanting to talk right now. I am fine, no punches thrown, just accusations and harsh words. Thanks for all the love.
-
Good for you, Julie. At least your words have been spoken aloud to him.
Posted 4 years ago by Kitten Whisperer #
-
Julie I am glad it is over and finally confronted! I hope you much love and healing for this time! Enjot the movie and the love of your boys!
Ragweed very true and a nice way to look at a relationship! Expect to give 90 % and recieve only 10% but from both sides this is a nice match cause then together you and your partner bare the weight evenly without ideas or expectations of not having to do anything but order, demand and belittle or be on the recieving end!
LV
Posted 4 years ago by Momma to 2 MaineCoons #
-
-
Julie,
I am hoping you and the boys had a nice outing and enjoyed the movie. Please check in with us so we know that you are still okay. :)Posted 4 years ago by cricketsmama #
-
-
-
Doing ok right now. Got the boys in bed and just finished a nice hot bubble bath.
Let's see, I told him that we needed to talk today, he said later. I asked when and he said that after he was finished eating breakfast. So while i waited I put some of the family pictures into albums. Good mindless busy work.
He finally came upstairs and just sat in the chair and looked at, waiting for me to start. I asked him what was going on with our marriage. He told me has no idea. Iasked him if he wanted us to stay here or leave. He said he wants us to stay. Why I asked. Because he loves me. I started getting louder right about now. "you love me, you sure don't show it" You ignore me completely and blow me off when I try to talk about our marriage. Shrugs his shoulders at me.
Tells me that he loves me but doesn't know how to show it. NO SHIT! Says he is afraid of approaching me intimately because he thinks I wik trun him down. He has turned me down more times then I ever have. It always seems to boil down to sex and my not giving into his sexual demands. My issue is that there is no emotion except anger and meanness.
He said he would move out at the end of the month. I have no idea if he was telling me the truth or not. Remember I said something about him going to training yesterday? Well I asked him again about it and he finally told me that he wasn't at work, but didn't offer up where he was.
I am so scared at this moment that when we leave, I won't be able to support myself and the boys. That is my BIGGEST fear of all. Who knows if I will get any support from him or not. It is just a waiting game right now.
I am going to turn in for the night. Thanks again for all the support.
-
Julie, it really is OK to have a noisy discussion. Sometimes people respect us more when we explain to them that we will not put up with disrespectful and passive-aggressive behavior.
My first husband got to the point that the only time he opened his mouth was to say something that he knew would hurt my feelings.
When I worked up courage to get rid of him, several friends asked, "What took you so long?" My ex told his friend, Cy, and his wife about our last argument, when my ex decided he did not like my cooking and dumped the entire meal in the garbage. Cy looked at his wife, and his wife walked over to the front door, opened it, and said, "We'll miss you. But not much." They never spoke to him again, and it was several months later when they told me about it.
Just do it, honey. And don't be afraid. You have resources and you need to call on them. You cannot go on being whittled down to nothing.
Your husband is a coward who is dishing out the abuse and forcing you to make the decisions.
He wants out.
Open the door. Wide.
-
I agree with Emma.
You have lots of people willing to help you, you just need to find them. This situation is not good for you or your boys, and it may only get worse if you stay.
You sound like a very strong person, you will be just fine on your own, you don't need him at all!
Posted 4 years ago by dieselsmom #
-
So his worst fear is that you will refuse his advances so he is getting ....relief...elsewhere.
Honey if he approaches turn him down flat. You bargained to sleep with one partner not a pleathora.
Even if his other partner (assuming there is only the one) has no other partners of her own there are biologically three bodies in that bed. Factually when entering a sexual relationship you carry the biological effects of that relationship for 5 yrs after the last contact. That is if you don't contract something more permanent. Map it out on a piece of paper and it gets rather frightening. Just tracing a 1 more partner line back 5 years gives a minimum of 8 partners in your bed.
As I always said to my girls, you don't want to play with that you don't know where it has been.
Posted 4 years ago by ailuromaniac #
-
Julie, he told you without so many words, he wants out. You know he is sleeping with someone else. The way he treats you and the boys is not right. You know that. Okay so you now must prepare for his leaving or your leaving. Start getting ready. Talk to your boys as well. They are part of this process. Call on family and friends to help you out. Use your resources. Maybe he will help you out, maybe not, count on not. It is very scary, but remember you are not the first woman to go through this and you won't be the last. You CAN do this! You HAVE to do this. I wish I could help you somehow. Wish I lived closer. Hang in there, we are here for you too :) {{HUGS}}
Posted 4 years ago by cricketsmama #
-
Julie, if you want to stay in your area, then the second you have gotten final approval to do respit care, get on the phones to organizations that help families with autistic children and start marketing your skills. You may very quickly find yourself with full time work and a means to pay rent and bills. If you are not sure of that as a career, start scanning the want ads today. I do no know of your educational background so I am not sure of what you are qualified to do, but even in this bad economy there are jobs out there. My niece is a single mom of two kids and took a job at a fast food restaurant. It wasn't long before she was assistant manager. Yes the hours suck and yes the kids were with a sitter a lot, but she was able to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. She is now managing a different restaurant. It will be hard at first, but you can do what you need to do and you will come out the other side healthier and happier. You will need to bring the boys on board as partners in this endeavor. AND as long as you are open and honest with them and they know how much you need their support and that you are all in this together, they will come out of it stronger boys and eventually men who know the value of pulling together and that they way your husband is behaving is not how they should behave.
Posted 4 years ago by KYKAT 12 23 #
-
Boys are at school, so called husband is at work or where ever else he decides to go. It is very quiet here. To much time to think and start doubting myself and the decisions I am trying to make. I am my own worst enemy. :)Just feeling very insecure right now.
Can I have a couple kitties to keep me company? Scout is having a SPA day and will come home all rested and medicated tomorrow. Poor little guy.
Think I will bring up the subject of a mediator tonight to try and help iron some things out. Wondering if it would be worth getting a trailer for the stuff we have. They are soooo expensive.
In the back of my mind I keep thinking if I would just try harder that this will work out with my husband. I know it takes two to make it so, and he isn't trying. It still sits there and knaws at my mind. I am driving myself nuts.
Almost time to go get one of the boys. Thanks for listening.
J
-
*Sends Lady to snuggle with Julie* I'm not much for advice, all I can do is ((((Julie))))
Posted 4 years ago by Bellantara #
-
Julie honey you are trying so hard. Right now your journey has two different directions. Either he agrees to counseling and changing himself to save your marriage or it is over and you and the boys must make your own way in the world. What did you do to support yourself before you got married? Go back to that line of work. If anything on this earth will shake him up and out of this behavior it will be seeing you regain your sense of personhood by taking control of your life. That means getting a job ASAP, getting your things in order and being prepared to leave. All of that will show him that you are serious about regaining your control over your life.
Too many men fall in love with an empowered woman and then insist that they give up jobs and outside lives and then cease to respect their wives because they change to fit the role demanded of them. These same men often go out and have affairs with women who live the lives they asked their wives to give up.
Posted 4 years ago by KYKAT 12 23 #
Reply »
You must log in to post.