Daily Kitten Chat Forum » Purrs

1. 

   Really need to get this off my chest!!

   Mum has gone into one of her lows - it was always going to happen, it's the nature of her bi-polar disorder, but it's her first since moving into the Home.

   The last couple of times I've taken her cat to the vet, she's said how she would like to come, so I specifically made today's appointment for his regular check up at a time when I could scoop her up to come along too.

   At first she said she didn't want to go out at all, but with a little cajoling, and a promise I'd bring her straight back, she said she'd come. All went well, and as we pulled into the Home I told her I was pleased that she'd made the effort.

   The she dropped the guilt trip. She went on about how difficult it was now she only saw me a couple of times a week, with one, maybe two phone calls, and how she needed me more. I just said I couldn't do more, and that some mothers only saw their daughters a couple of times a month (sometimes I really envy those daughters...)

   Well I'm sorry, but I junked one marriage over her, I trashed my health over her, I gave up my job for her, and I now give her half my midweek day off and all my Saturday afternoon apart from the (very) occasional one when I'm out. In my eyes, that's enough, I need to get a life again, but she's made me feel so damn guilty...aarrgghh!!

   Posted 3 years ago by MadcatwomanintheUK #

2. 

   Don't let her guilt you out - it's just what parents do to adult children - bi polar or not. ((hugs)) I think it's wonderful that you do as much as you do. Some daughters/sons would never do so much.

   Posted 3 years ago by HuddysMama #

3. 

   Yeah, mothers are good at that! No advice, cause I'm rubbish with my mum, but {{HUGS}}} anyway!

   Posted 3 years ago by linda #

4. 

   MCW, I can totally sympathize with you. While my mother isn't bi-polar, she is disabled and has a hard time getting around or caring for herself. I do her grocery shopping, pick up her medication, run her appointments and oh yes, help her with housecleaning. When she wants something, she wants it now! She always seems to forget about the fact that I work two jobs (I leave my house M-TH at 8:15 am and I won't see home again till 9:20 pm) I work full time on friday getting out at 4:30 then work shifts on Sat & Sun. I have a 14 year old son, a home, 7 cats, and when I have the time, I have a man friend upstairs. When she doesn't get what she wants, when she wants it, RIGHT NOW, she always tries the guilt trip. Yes, it is very frustrating but she has no one else so it all falls to me.

   Venting to others who understand helps. Punching pillows works too.

   Hang in there, when Moms' time finally does come, you will miss her and then get to feel all the "I wish I would have done............. I think you get the point.

   All you can do is the best you can do and know in your heart that you are a good daughter and that it is appreciated, even if it isn't shown. {{{hugs}}} from a kindred spirit.

   Posted 3 years ago by debsterwiz #

5. 

   oh...how is Bones?

   Posted 3 years ago by linda #

6. 

   Thanks to all, especially my kindred spirit! - deb, what you're doing now reminds me of my life before Mum moved into the Home - so from this kindred spirit a heartfelt plea to take it steady and not burn yourself out; easier said than done I know... xx & {{hugs}} back

   Linda - Bones is fine! It was just a regular appointment, flea control injection and a claw clipping. The vet is very pleased with how he's doing, and he was very well behaved!

   Posted 3 years ago by MadcatwomanintheUK #

7. 

   What a good boy!

   Posted 3 years ago by linda #

8. 

   I know where you're coming from MCW,I moved my parents in w/ me in a large house by a lake and all my mother could do after seeing the beautiful house,etc was to say "there sure is a lot of road noise" pointing to the distant street. They used to live in the middle of Hialeah,Fl.,near Miami Int Airport,near the busiest street where you could hear every emergency vehicle,every wreck and an AIRPLANE nearly crashed into their house before I was born and she's complaining about a little road noise?! My nephew and I just looked at each other and rolled our eyes. I just had to shrug it off.Oh,and my sister only lives a half hour away but she only comes over on MAJOR holidays.Oops,sorry about the rant but parents(like HM said) seem to like to guilt their adult children.
   Put your feet up,have an adult drink and some chocolate. That's what I do.
   Feel better. They DO appreciate us,they just have a hard time showing us,it seems.

   Posted 3 years ago by Buttercup #

9. 

   Well, I did come home and eat a Cadbury's Creme Egg in anger... ;-)

   Posted 3 years ago by MadcatwomanintheUK #

10. 

    oh man, MCW...never eat chocolate in anger! It should only be used for good! :p

    Posted 3 years ago by linda #

11. 

    Still tasted good!! - hopefully the exagerated chomping burnt off a few calories!!

    I'm off to bed now, early start tomorrow morning. Byeeee, thanks for letting me vent!

    Posted 3 years ago by MadcatwomanintheUK #

12. 

    Sleep well MCW!

    Posted 3 years ago by Buttercup #

13. 

    Nite! Pleasant dreams!

    Posted 3 years ago by linda #

14. 

    Hi MCW... I think you've been amazingly patient and loving towards your mom's inability to let go. Her weening process may just take a little longer. You deserve all the happiness life has waiting for you and your mom needs to acknowledge the fact that you have been there more for her than most others. If she can't acknowledge that...don't feel pressured or guilty in thinking you have to prove more to her. She really needs to accept the situation and count her obvious blessings. You've been a wonderful daughter...now's your turn to put yourself first.{{{hugs}}}

    Posted 3 years ago by Karenopa #

15. 

    Just smile and say, "I'll talk to my boss." That way you are trying to get more time and someone else she never sees gets to be the bad guy.

    Posted 3 years ago by ailuromaniac #

16. 

    I just found out from hubby's cousin that she and her sister have washed their hands of their mother. She suffers from depression, can't seem to keep a job, doesn't want to look for a job and can't manage her money. Now she is turning to her older brother (my father-in-law) to take care of her! Cousin joked that eventually it will be my husband and I taking care of her because she and her sister are done with her. Cousin took her mom in at one point and her mom wouldn't do anything to help around the house, help with her son, or anything but ask for more money and never had anything to show for said money. She is not old enough for social security or retirement.

    Aunt is in for a surprise if she is depending on me. After she abandoned her house with her cat locked inside and never let anyone know poor kitty was trapped in there, I was done with her. Sadly they did not find kitty in time.

    Posted 3 years ago by KYKAT 12 23 #

17. 

    Oh KYKAT, that is so sad for the kitty! Cousin's Mother let her poor cat die from no food or water!! I would wash my hands of any of my family who would do that too. I am sorry but I am thinking very unfluffy thoughts of this cousin's mother.

    Posted 3 years ago by SylvesterMiasMomma #

18. 

    I have been thinking unfluffy thoughts about her since I found out too. this is part of why one of her daughters has said that she can't ever come to live with them. Everyone thought Aunt properly closed up the house before she moved in with her youngest. No she just left. So when the pipes burst that winter, Oldest daughter's husband went over to see what he could do and found remains of poor kitty. If Aunt had made a call to ANYONE in the family someone would have gone over and rescued the cat even if they had to break in. The WORST part. Aunt did not move across the country. She moved 45 minutes away. She could have come back in a day or two and coaxed kitty into a carrier and moved him. She could have left a key with family or a neighbor and made arrangements for him to be cared for. If I had known, I would have driven the 3 hours and broken a window to get him out and brought him home with me. Hell if she was just going to abandon ship anyway, she could have left a window open. He would have been better off on the streets. We all assumed she moved him with her and youngest daughter assumed she had made arrangements for him. And all along Aunt never said a word to anyone and never took half a morning to go back and get him. If it were up to me she would already be in a facility getting lots of meds and psychiatric counseling.

    Posted 3 years ago by KYKAT 12 23 #

19. 

    How sad for the kitty, and I can't think of anything decent to say about the Aunt except for very, very unfluffy words that are probably better left unsaid. Let the heavens above and the powers that be give you strength to keep your resolve in not letting her live with you either.

    Posted 3 years ago by AZDEBRA 5/27 & crew #

20. 

    MCW - I don't see my mom/dad for months at a time. They are both healthy, and live 45 minutes away. My schedule is such that weekends are my time for housework and laundry... and just trying to do something fun. I often have gigs on the weekend... and I just don't get out to see them. Mom will toss the guilt on occasion... and I've become real good at ducking. They both know I'm there in an emergency. I just can't do every week... certainly not with the price of gas! Hang in there ... you are a fantastic daughter !

    Posted 3 years ago by 2 Popoki #

21. 

    MCW, I took care of my mom for 3 years in my own home. It almost destroyed my marriage, drained us financially, I lost a job over it and it was horrible. I did it out of love, but it was very difficult since she was mentally not there and physically she was declining. When I put her in a nursing home, and that took a lot for me to decide to do that, I was there all the time, calling all the time, then as she got more comfortable there, I called a few times a week and I would go take her out once or twice a week. Anyway, she would also give me a guilt trip, not meaning to, but doing so anyway. I was working on my marriage, getting my life in order...I totally know what you are going though and because you love her, she will drive you to drink or eat chocolate :)...but because you love her is why you also let yourself feel guilty. When she was your age, did she have to take care of an aging parent? You have to let go a bit to live your life or it will eat you up inside. Even when I was on bedrest while pregnant, I felt guilty and still went to see her. Vent, get it off your mind, chest anyway you can. You can always email me if you need to say things that would be unfluffy :) {{HUGS}}

    Jen

    Posted 3 years ago by cricketsmama #

22. 

    I see my parents about once every couple of months. My parents have such busy lives and they live an hour and half away so it makes it too hard to visit them. I do talk with them on the phone about once a week. I try to keep in touch but sometimes it just isn't possible with my working and their busy schedules.

    Posted 3 years ago by SylvesterMiasMomma #

23. 

    How heartbreaking about poor kitty.... :( I wonder why no one wondered where kitty was? Miscommunication I guess..... the poor, poor baby....

    Posted 3 years ago by bumblebee #

24. 

    It seems the ones who do the most are the ones who get the most guilt and unreasonable demands leveled at them. I suppose that's because it doesn't work with those who don't care.

    Posted 3 years ago by Leeny #

25. 

    MCW, I don't know how I missed this thread when you first posted it. But, you know that I have been exactly where you are. And, I've talked to lots of friends who also were responsible for aging parents. Sooooo - I will share the one thing that finally made it through my dense gray matter:

    At this point, no matter what you do for your mother, in her eyes it will NEVER be enough.

    With my father, I honestly think that he forgot how often I was there. He would call and say that it had been weeks since I had come by to see him, when in actuality it had been that morning. Then there was the day that he left 27 messages on my answering machine begging me to come over. Finally he screeched into the phone "Get over here. I'm dying". So, I called the nurse at the assisted living facility where he was and she said that he was fine.

    Your mom will play the guilt card because she can. And she's banking that you will bite. My husband and I don't fight over anything, but I can tell you that the demands that my father made on me put a great strain on us. For the first time ever we were quarreling. And nothing, nothing is worth that. You have a great husband there in Chris. You are a good daughter and have done everything possible to make this transition easier for your mom. Do not let her put that guilt trip on you. As you said, lots of mothers see their daughters far less. And, no matter how often you go, it still won't be enough. What she wants is your undivided attention. I know my father did it because he blamed me for moving him, even though I had no other choice.

    She will do the guilt thing as long as you let her. I think that our elderly parents are much like children - test, test, testing you all of the time. You should not be giving up all of your spare time to spend with your mom. You have a life - live it. Why don't you try giving her a calender with the days marked that you will be coming by. Then stick with it.

    Oh, and caller ID on your phone is a great help :-)

    I'm always here if you want to blow off a little steam!

    Posted 3 years ago by WillowandWindismom #

26. 

    Here it is, MCW! It got put in a different category. Trying again...

    Posted 3 years ago by WillowandWindismom #

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