Daily Kitten Chat Forum » General Chat

1. 

   People I need your advise because my head isn't working right now and I can't think straight...

   Javier's ex-girfriend's father has just died. This is of course very sad news and please understand that I feel for his family.

   But... When I met Javier he had just broken up with his GF, we became friends and shortly decided to date. He has never got in touch with her again. She wasn't a good person and hurt Javier very much.
   Now I know as a fact that some friends have told her that we are getting married and she is steaming mad about this... and now she wants him to go to her father's funeral...

   Do I have a very dirty mind if I think she has used this sad issue to get in touch with Javier?

   I feel so insecure I'm trying hard not to cry at work...

   Posted 3 years ago by PipasMumSpain #

2. 

   No you don't have a dirty mind. I think it's pretty normal for you to feel as you do. She wasn't a good person and she hurt him. Now she probably realizes the good guy she had was gone and gone forever, and this is a perfect (albeit tragic) circumstance to get in touch with him. That's just my $0.02 though. ((hugs))

   Posted 3 years ago by HuddysMama #

3. 

   PM,

   As Javier's future wife, of course you would attend with him if he felt he had to go. Does Javier feel that he needs to go? Was he close with the father of this girl?

   Posted 3 years ago by Catwoman #

4. 

   If Javier has not kept in contact with her since the split, I would not worry. And if I were him, I would send a small bouquet of flowers & a nice card with deepest sympathy & leave it at that. She may be trying for a reconciliation - but it takes two....

   Posted 3 years ago by Jenni9420 #

5. 

   I'm with Jenni. Flowers and a nice sympathy card...signed by both of you.

   Posted 3 years ago by Catwoman #

6. 

   PM..this is an awkward situation for sure. Personally, I would not want him to go or I would go with him. Ask Javier what he would like to do. I would only think if he was close to her father, he might want to go. He could always send a card from the both of you or flowers.

   Posted 3 years ago by cricketsmama #

7. 

   Well Javier (as you know CW and as HM has guessed) is a really really good guy. He wasn't close to her father at all but he knows she is going through a very tough time and he feels he should go... and I feel (excuse me) like crap...
   I would never ever go... With her and all her family? *shudder*

   Posted 3 years ago by PipasMumSpain #

8. 

   In Spain funerals are a place were you show your respect.... the more people in the funeral... the more you were loved... so if you knew the person well you are expected to go...

   Posted 3 years ago by PipasMumSpain #

9. 

   PMSpain, in my humble opinion, you are not wrong to be upset, but I would ask Javier how he feels about this. You are the one that he loves and is going to marry, not her. I would definitely let him know that this bothers you.

   Posted 3 years ago by BCAMflorida227 #

10. 

    *what frustration*

    I'm so mad at her!!! I knew I shouldn't be because after all she has lost her father...

    Her relantionship with Javier was a long one, time enough to kill all Javier's self esteem that has taken me ages to recover. She knows how to pull his strings and I am worried...

    I adore Javier but he is a man after all...

    Posted 3 years ago by PipasMumSpain #

11. 

    Don't worry about that, you know Javier loves you..but I when you loose a parent, you just need every shoulder you can gather...trust in Javier, and if he is willing to go, then it's only a couple hours...I went to my X's mothers funeral and Ron drove with me (It was a 4 hour drive thru the desert)then stayed outside during the service...I was glad I went...X came out and thanked Ron for seeing that I got there safe.. he said seeing so many people there really helped him thru...

    Posted 3 years ago by 2bpurring #

12. 

    PM, here is where the trust comes in with Javier. If he wants to go, really feels he has to, and you don't want to go, let him go. He loves you, not her.

    Posted 3 years ago by cricketsmama #

13. 

    If Javier feels compelled to go - then let him go. I don't know the customs, do you all have receptions afterwards? Then he can go to the funeral, but leave after the grave service.

    Remember - he has not kept in contact with her since the break up. Unless he has given you some reason not to trust him in the past, I just can't see being concerned here.

    Posted 3 years ago by Jenni9420 #

14. 

    I know! I know! I'm being a baby.... but I want her to gather other shoulders...

    Posted 3 years ago by PipasMumSpain #

15. 

    oh and I haven't heard from x since other than a thank you card to both of us..

    Posted 3 years ago by 2bpurring #

16. 

    You know? I am really lucky to be a part of this group... This is what I needed... good and honest advice.

    Yes, I should trust him... but (there is always a but) since my ex cheated on me I have always felt very insecure. Javier is lovely and he has never, never given me any reason to be concerned... I'm just scared because she used to be part of his life...

    Posted 3 years ago by PipasMumSpain #

17. 

    Honey, you are not being a baby. I would be beside myself just like you. Your imagination is worse than reality at times. I have been in your situation except I didn't trust the guy I was with and it made it worse. Be strong in knowing he knows you love him, he loves you and the relationship you have is so much better than the one he had with her.
    *hugs to PM*

    Posted 3 years ago by cricketsmama #

18. 

    PM...I felt like you did when Ron went to his Xs fathers funeral and I'm sure he felt that way when he went with me...but trust in Javier..and really at a time like this I really doubt she is thinking out her love life...

    Posted 3 years ago by 2bpurring #

19. 

    Javier is not the same person as your ex. It's not fair to hold him accountable for the error that another made. If you trust him in every other way, then trust him with this.

    Posted 3 years ago by Jenni9420 #

20. 

    What if he suddenly realizes that he loves her? Or she decides she want's him back...

    My stomach has so many knots right now I can't even swallow...

    Posted 3 years ago by PipasMumSpain #

21. 

    Oh PM...no...she can decide all she wants..It's not her decision to make.
    Javier wants you or he wouldn't have asked you to marry him. He loves you honey...can you call him and talk to him right now? I think you need reassurance from him.

    Posted 3 years ago by cricketsmama #

22. 

    I do think you should talk to Javier and let him know that you are worried. Rather than just try to bear this burden alone.

    Be careful how you say it — make sure he knows that you trust him and that you want to protect him and that you need a hug. Cause I get the feeling you could really use a hug right now.

    And maybe you two should make plans for a nice date after the funeral.

    At least, that's what I would do if I were in your shoes right now.

    Posted 3 years ago by Cats4Cats #

23. 

    I agree with CM - give him a call. Tell him how much you love him, but you understand if he feels he really needs to attend the funeral. But also tell him that the potential contact between him & his ex is making you feel insecure and that you just need some reasurrance (people equivalent to headbonks & purrs...). Do not be accusatory. He loves you and will certainly understand your feelings. I think if you looked at the whole situation logically, you would realize that your fears are unsubstantiated.

    Posted 3 years ago by Jenni9420 #

24. 

    Thank you all.
    I have just called Javier and told him I needed a chat...
    He was very sweet... I'm going to go straigh to hell but I really hate that girl for shaking a wonderful realtionship...

    Posted 3 years ago by PipasMumSpain #

25. 

    You are not the first person to go through this and have these thoughts PM, so you will not go anywhere but heaven :) I am glad you called him. Once you see him and talk to him, you will feel better.
    Besides, nothing can happen to you guys, everyone is getting excited to go to Spain for the wedding of the year, with the most beautiful bride in the country.

    Posted 3 years ago by cricketsmama #

26. 

    Besides, PMSpain, if something happens, who's going to walk Pretty Pipa down the aisle with the King?

    hmmm, inquiring minds want to know!

    Posted 3 years ago by BCAMflorida227 #

27. 

    If all women went to hell for wishing that about the ex's - there would be no women on the planet.

    Remember - no accusations! Just "I need hugs & reasurrances".

    Posted 3 years ago by Jenni9420 #

28. 

    I agree with everyone else. No accusations, but you should tell him how you are feeling. Just getting it out will help.

    Posted 3 years ago by MeezerMama in OK; 10/23 #

29. 

    Hugs to PM!
    I'd either go to the funeral with him if he feels he needs to go or if he doesn't go, both of you send her a card expressing your condolences. I wouldn't worry about seing her at the funeral - it's going to be full of her family and she should have more than enough things to deal with during the event and no opportunity to attempt to steal away your guy.
    Also, from everything you've said, Javier sounds like a wonderful guy - he's not going to leave you for his ex, no way!
    My Ex cheated on me, too, and I know what you mean about it being hard to trust someone after that and being insecure, but I really think you've got one of the good ones in your Javier!
    Best of luck, and let us know how it goes!

    Posted 3 years ago by GreatDane #

30. 

    PM, big hugs, really big hugs. I understand completely what you are feeling. You recognize this woman as being manipulative. Your concern is that it will start with the funeral. Then she will call and make excuses for him to see her again and that she will twist things around to try and get him back. Personally, I think you should go to the funeral and let the hateful woman see you on his arm, at his side and with his ring on your finger. You can shine through and be a gracious, generous woman and offer sincere condolances to her and her mother. Smile at her with a smile that shows you are secure in Javier (even if you are screaming at her inside) Talk to Javier and if he is up for going then go as a united front. Give her a clear visual that you and he are together and secure in each other and that there is no room for her to cast doubt or manipulate anyone. Just keep reminding yourself that you are "Grace under pressure" and you will get through it.

    Posted 3 years ago by KYKAT 12 23 #

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