Oh, PM, I agree with Kykat - If Javier feels he needs to go to the funeral, you go with him. That way you won't have to drive yourself crazy wondering what is going on while he is there with her and you aren't. Just smile and be very sympathetic about her recent loss. {{{{hugs, my dear}}}}}, whatever you decide to do...
Daily Kitten Chat Forum » General Chat
I need advise - Pipa's Mum
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<<Her relationship with Javier was a long one, time enough to kill all Javier's self esteem that has taken me ages to recover. She knows how to pull his strings and I am worried...
I adore Javier but he is a man after all... >>
She may have been able to pull Javier's strings IN THE PAST when she had him beaten down in self-esteem, but she no longer has ANY power. Since leaving her, Javier has found real love in you. I'm sure the only memories that will be stirred up are those of how miserable he was with her! Now that he has something so rare and real with you, what he had with her is equivalent to what Pipa was dragging around on your floors yesterday! He will come running back to you with relief after being around her!
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All right, I have more to say. (I'm sure you all are not surprised.) As many of you on TDK know, I have actually met Javier. He ADORES PM! For instance--and PM, if this is embarrassing to you, tell me within the hour and I will edit--I have on several occasions seen him look at PM adoringly; push a stray hair off of her face; then, gently cup his hand over her cheek as he gazes into her eyes. It made my heart melt! There is such love in his eyes when he looks at her. AND...it is because Javier is such an awesome man that he would want to do the right thing and attend the funeral. It is all part of the package of who he is.
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PM..this is an emotionally charged predicament you've found yourself in. I agree with many others in that 'the person that YOU are...the person WHO allowed Javier to become who he is while with YOU'.... joined, with the new 'Javier that HIS ex did not appreciate'....are a very strong communion. Maybe together in this strength you both should attend the funeral of a man who probably had nothing to do with the way his daughter treated Javier. It would be one more display to the angry ex (not that it's needed)that anything she may be thinking about their past is futile. Believe in yourself and Javier. I sure hope that made some sense.{{{Hugs}}}
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Thank you all for your wonderful advise. Thank you especially for making me feel that my 'freaking out' was perfectly normal. You all understood me so well that reading your posts made feel hugged.
Some have had experiences similar, some talk from their hearts and some just ooze common sense and nearly all of you have all three!You were all right, I talked to Javier about me feeling unconfortable and he understood from the first second. He told me he had been thinking to tell me the news or not because he was afraid it would hurt me. He really didn't know what to do either as this is unconfortable for him too. He was the one who ended the relationship and he isn't too sure how her family and close friends will react.
We have decided (really really tough decision) that he will go on his own, assist the funeral and then we will go and have a tapa and talk about it. I forgot that this isn't going to be much fun for him either.... I mean she did mentally torture him for eight years! He isn't exactly dying to go but he thinks he must.
So, the funeral is on Sunday... I just hope you guys are right and that she will reveal her horrible self and he will come back to me more sure in his feelings.
(I really am sorry about her father... but I still think she really doesn't need Javier to be there)
Thanks again all of you for hearing me out and soothing my heart!
Posted 4 years ago by PipasMumSpain #
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I had to go back and re-read your first post. Either I missed something, or it was never really stated that the ex-GF is the one who called/told Javier about the funeral. Just an observation
I'm so very glad you had the talk with Javier... communication is crucial to a solid relationship. Good stuff and bad (tough) stuff.
Catwoman - your description of Javier's care of Pipa's Mum just melted my heart, too. So very sweet. I have been with manfriend for 4 years and he has never done any of the those things.
PM - you are a very lucky woman... and of course, we are all here for you. Be strong, you are loved. -
I can't offer any other wisdom than has already been said. But here are my hugs {{{HUGS}}}} and much, much moral support, plus a few headbonks and purrs added in for good measure. You will be a stronger couple together after this sad business is over.
Posted 4 years ago by Ouize in Central FL (6/19) #
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Pipa's mum, I can tell you two things. One is that however horrible this female may be, she must ahve found some sense of security in Javier and may just be seeking that security in an insecure time. We women may revert to a lot of bad habits in hard times. But he has moved on and found his place and person that mean forever to him. He wouldn't throw that away for anything. Especially now that he can compare then with now. Seeing her again will make him shudder with revulsion.
With nearly 38 years under our belts, we can tell you that jealousy and insecurity are natural in the early phases of a relationship. Later on a young girl can flirt with him and you will sit back and chuckle at the scene. I promise.
You and Javier will decide together what is appropriate and follow through. You are sound and sensible people.Posted 4 years ago by SharoninAustell46 #
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What CW described about Javier's love for you PM, melted my heart too. What a gem of a man. You are both very lucky to have found one another.
Also, it sounds like you got some really advice here. Communication is really the key in a relationship along with trust. It was really brave of you to go to Javier and let him know how you felt about the ex-girlfriend and the funeral. I says alot that he was able to talk with you about it. I am so glad you worked it all out between the two of you. Hugs to you both.
Posted 4 years ago by SylvesterMiasMomma #
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Ok, I will listen to all of you (wow! Sharon 38 years, I really shouldn't be surprised your hubby knew what he was doing!)...
Now I will just breathe and wait for sunday... I'm not good at waiting...
Posted 4 years ago by PipasMumSpain #
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You talked to your man and told him your feelings, and he respected them--well done! With trust and communication like that, there is nothing that can interfere with the love you share. So good that you will meet afterwards and talk also--have no fear, PM-sounds like you two have the real thing-blessings on you both for a wonderful life together!
Posted 4 years ago by rainingwolf #
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PM, I am so glad you and Javier talked. You needed that and I think he did as well. You are both logical, loving, caring people. He knows how hard this is for you and he worries as well. I am glad you will meet up after the funeral. We women get insecure at times and it is a savage beast :) I had exes that hurt me as well and my poor hubby now had to deal with my insecurities, but once we were married, I relaxed. I know he loves me and we have trust and security. You have a good man and relationship, just trust in that.
Only 2 more days will you have to wait my friend and once it is over you will breathe normally again. This is also a great opportunity to show Javier you trust him and your relationship. We are here all weekend if you need us :)
Hugs to you.Posted 4 years ago by cricketsmama #
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Hey, Sharon, have you checked your email lately?
Posted 4 years ago by BCAMflorida227 #
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PM, So glad you and Javier talked. Hubby and I have over 20 years behind us (181/2 married)and Sharon is right. Your trust in each other will grow with each passing day. CW's description of Javier was so sweet. Even after all these years we still sometimes give each other those goofy puppy-eyed looks and it is like we are just out of college and newly dating again. You will have the same. You are starting with a good foundation of communication, respect, friendship and trust
Posted 4 years ago by KYKAT 12 23 #
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PM, I know I am late here but you did the right thing in letting Javier make this decision, WITH your support. It speaks volumes that he admitted to being uncomfortable about going but thinks that he should pay his respects. I don't think you have a thing to worry about--he sounds like a wonderful, loving and sensible person.
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PM - How did it go today? I wanted to add my 2-cents to everyone's advice, but I had so many things I wanted to say, I just couldn't sort it all out. I certainly understand how you are feeling - I've had many insecurity issues over the years in various relationships. So I know today must have been difficult for you as you waited for Javier to get back. {{{HUGS}}}
Posted 4 years ago by Rubia in CA, 4/28 #
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Can't wait to hear how it went.
Posted 4 years ago by KYKAT 12 23 #
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Thanks everybody for worrying about me. As you can imagine it hasn't been an easy weekend for us. I couldn't help but being nervous about the funeral and I was like a guitar string. Anything made me "twang", that didn't really help because Javier wanted us to be OK as for him it wasn't a big deal. For me suddenly I had all the curiosity in the world about his last relationship and I made all the mistakes possible, I asked him about her... He kept telling me he had turned that painful page and that he was with me and I just wanted to keep hurting myself with information.
At last Sunday came, he went to the funeral and I was a bit of a mess. Didn't have to be. He went to the funeral, paid tribute and left...But I had made such a big deal and pulled all the wrong strings that I wasn't even relieved that nothing happened. I made a fool of myself and behaved like a baby. So if I ever wanted him to feel he had the better deal being with me I failed terribly.
So there you go... what could have been a small issue I turned it to a two day and counting ordeal...
Big whoop!
Posted 4 years ago by PipasMumSpain #
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PM, Javier loves you dearly and I am sure without a doubt even that he understands that you were disconcerted about the whole seeing the X thing. As for turning it into a tissue box ordeal rather than one small tissue, well someone has to keep those companies in business, dontcha think....We are all allowed to behave like babies at times, otherwise we wouldn't be human. You can breathe now its over, so just spoil Javier a little bit more to appease your guilty feelings and enjoy the rest of today, have some good wine when you get home, get some nice flowers, and rest.
Posted 4 years ago by AZDEBRA 5/27 & crew #
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Sweetie, that's only normal. It will pass, I promise. What seems like a huge obstacle right now will one day make you look back and shrug. Then you will say "big whoop".
Posted 4 years ago by SharoninAustell46 #
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PM, don't fret about it, you are normal. I know I have turned many a minor thing into a huge ordeal. It happens, you are a woman and our hormones and emotions get the best of us at times. Love Javier even more, spoil him, give him kisses to appease your guilt but know what a wonderful man you have and he adores you and your relationship. It's over, done with and just put the weekend out of your mind..move forward. I am just glad it went okay.
Posted 4 years ago by cricketsmama #
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PM, your reactions and feelings were only normal! I understand 1000% how you feel. I'm sure that part of the problem was just not being able to understand WHY Javier felt obligated to go this funeral, given that he had not been close to the father and that this woman had treated him so horribly. There was no way that you could have helped wondering if the fact that he felt this obligation meant that he still had feelings for this woman. AND it didn't help that this woman is almost certainly a horrible, manipulative cow with very questionable motives!
Thank goodness, the funeral is over! Now the important thing is to put this behind you, and just let Javier know how much you love him and that you really do trust him! He does love you SO very much! You guys will be fine!
Send me an email if you want to chat some more!
Posted 4 years ago by Rubia in CA, 4/28 #
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Thank you all again.
Aww Rubia you got it perfectly... in the corner of my mind I really couldn't understand why the heck he had to go. So the green monster made me think that maybe there were still feelings there for her or something... and I was thinking about it and thinking about it, again and again... till I managed to convince myself that the worst was more then a possibility!I am SO glad it's over... hope she goes back to the dark side and leaves us alone. Javier went to the funeral but didn't find it necessary to talk to her. I hope she got the message...
I was thinking maybe a romantic dinner?
Posted 4 years ago by PipasMumSpain #
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