A Best of Craigs List letter to a cat (humorous)

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  • 20 May, 2008 at 10:05 pm #17290
    Buttercup
    Participant

    email this posting to a friend best of craigslist > austin > Dear Cat,

    Originally Posted: Mon, 24 Mar 12:02 CDT

    Dear Cat,

    Date: 2008-03-24, 12:02PM CDT

    Dear Cat,

    I have some issues with you right now that I would like to hash out. And now is as good a time as any with you laying over my arms while I am trying to type on the computer. You don’t even look comfortable and you can’t breathe lying like that with your butt higher up than your head but your brain is the size of a walnut so I will forgive you.

    First of all, the litterbox. Is it your goal to poop on the rim of the box? Because if it is, bravo! Mission accomplished, you can stop now. You have proved your point. It is not funny anymore, and I have run out of sticks in the yard to clean it off with. The box is big enough, and you are still small, so don’t even go there.

    Now… making pointless, incessant noises. If I take something away from you because I am tired of hearing it scoot across the floor for the last 2 hours, it does not mean to go find something else to mess with. I mean really where do you find this stuff? A wad of paper? A bottle cap? Is that really that fun to play with?

    I put things on the coffee table because I want them there. I do not want you to knock EVERYTHING off of the coffee table in one of your mindless “tearing ass through the house for no reason” adventures every single day. Once in a while, it is amusing. Every day, it’s not that funny.

    Your ass stinks. I mean REALLY stinks. Like the worst poop you’ve ever smelled. Why do you smell soooo horrible? I thought cats were clean! I have never experienced this smelly, stinky cat phenomena with any other cat on this Earth. Why, God, did you give me the most stinky cat in this solar system? And Cat, why do you insist on showing me your ass? I know it stinks, but what am I supposed to do about it? Bathe you??? LOL! Remember the last time that happened? I still have the scars… Also, when you sit on my arm, please have the kindness to put your tail over your butthole so it doesn’t come into contact with my skin. I might catch something.

    Lastly, I am allergic to you. I know this isn’t your fault, but knowing this, why do you insist on rubbing the whole length of your body on my face? Okay… I just pulled a CATHAIR out of my eye. No wonder my eyes are itchy if you are purposefully depositing your dander into my eyes! What are you trying to prove here? That you know I’m stuck with you? While you’re busy carrying things about the house in your mouth to deposit them into some area that I haven’t discovered yet- would you mind bringing me a peice of sandpaper to me so that I can alleviate the itching you’ve caused me? Oh- while we’re on this subject, I need my hair ties back- I know you have them. Thanks.

    it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

    PostingID: 616864088

    Copyright © 2008 craigslist, inc. terms of use privacy policy feedback forum

    20 May, 2008 at 10:14 pm #222611
    MadcatwomanintheUK
    Participant

    Pickle’s motto : Love me, love my bum

    Ew!!!! WHY DOES SHE DO THAT??!!!

    20 May, 2008 at 10:21 pm #222612
    SylMiaFelixsMomma
    Participant

    Hilarious! What is it with a cat’s bum? Why must they stick it in your face? Is this a message to let us know our place as their servants?

    20 May, 2008 at 10:26 pm #222613
    paulajeanne
    Participant

    “But mom, it’s just my way of saying Hi!”

    20 May, 2008 at 10:30 pm #222614
    Leeny
    Participant

    Sniffing under tails is the way they identify each other. A cat who “invites” you to sniff there is telling you that it wants you to recognize and interact with it. As I told my husband when he remarked about this, it’s a friendly social gesture similar to a human offering to shake hands.

    20 May, 2008 at 10:52 pm #222615
    anncetera2
    Participant

    To elaborate on the information Lenny provided, it also tends to start when they’re kittens. They’ll tend to greet their mothers by rubbing up against them, with their tails held straight up. The mama looks down, sniffs, and licks her kitten once or twice. It’s a simple friendly greeting and identification routine.

    So when your cat chirps at you and comes walking or trotting over with its tail held almost straight up, and rubs against your leg… guess who’s the mama kitty?

    20 May, 2008 at 11:28 pm #222616
    MeezerMama in OK; 10/23
    Participant

    Dear Hooman,

    I am in receipt of your letter and am quite peeved. First of all, you dared to disturb my slumber to write this slander. I can breathe just fine with my rump higher than my head. We cats are far above the hooman limitations. This also explains the walnut sized brain. A cats brain is far more efficient and so does not need the additional space.

    Now to address your concerns about the litterbox. Have you ever squatted in a bunch of rocks? I mean really! And if I were to use it as you suggest, do you realize where all those little grains are going to wind up? That’s right, my butt. Which you seem to be so mezmorized by. I mean my butt was the subject of 90% of your letter! You should seek counseling for that. Srsly.

    You know, if you would spend a little of that beer money on a proper catnip toy I would not have to resort to playing with your discarded bottle caps.

    This allergy of yours is just some kind of cover story. Yeah, I’m onto you. I know that red nose has far more to do with where you are spending the catnip money.

    And don’t even get me started on the horrendous things you do with perfectly good tuna. This “salad” you speak of is an abomination. And casserole! Please for the love of ceiling cat just put the tuna on a plate on the floor!

    Now there will be no more snarky letters from you regarding these issues. Understand.

    Kthkbai

    20 May, 2008 at 11:34 pm #222617
    Buttercup
    Participant

    Hahahaha MM! That is fabulous! 😀

    Made my day.

    20 May, 2008 at 11:49 pm #222618
    JerseyJoan
    Moderator

    MM – I read your reply to Shaddo and he totally agrees with you, especially the part about the tuna.

    20 May, 2008 at 11:57 pm #222619
    AZDEBRA 5/27 & crew
    Participant

    ok my allergy infested eyes needed that, plus I needed to laugh!!

    21 May, 2008 at 12:52 am #222620
    Karenopa
    Participant

    Bravo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Encore!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks Buttercup and MM!! 🙂

    21 May, 2008 at 10:25 am #222621
    Moonshadow_NZ
    Moderator

    ROTFLMAO – MM that was sooooo good.

    21 May, 2008 at 1:15 pm #222622
    debsterwiz
    Participant

    And the King/Queen has spoken!! Nice retort MM, very well put and oooohhh so true! I loved the “box of rocks”! So puuurrrfect.

    21 May, 2008 at 2:10 pm #222623
    miu
    Participant

    ROTFL!!! That was so true! Thanks Buttercup and MM!!! 🙂

    21 May, 2008 at 2:35 pm #222624
    Cato1730
    Participant

    Cato really cleans his nether parts and so there is no smell whatsoever. The vet always remarks about how clean he is — this is the result of a cat who obsessivly grooms himself all day. MeezerMomma, I love your letter! Elizabeth

    21 May, 2008 at 9:54 pm #222625
    Leeny
    Participant

    Speaking of cats’ butts:

    http://www.mows.com/index.php?bgColor=CC9966

    21 May, 2008 at 10:55 pm #222626
    SylMiaFelixsMomma
    Participant

    I love your response, MM! Hilarious!

    21 May, 2008 at 11:30 pm #222627
    feral
    Participant

    If my Spunky ever grows into that big butt of his,he’ll be the size of a Great Dane. At least he keeps it clean.

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