Our thoughts and prayers are with you, 2P, and your family during this time. Our Deepest sympathy. Lynn and Kay
Daily Kitten Chat Forum » General Chat
she's gone
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Posted 4 years ago by Lynn from PA 6/8 #
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I'm so sorry about your mother. May you find the strength you need to get through this trying time.
Don't forget how important it is to take some time for yourself when you need it. Don't feel guilty if you have to just tell everyone you need 10-15 minutes alone. People tend to forget how stressful this time is and they may ask you for more that you have to give right now. Take care of yourself.
Posted 4 years ago by CheetahBoysmommy #
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2P
I haven't been on in days but saw your post and wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my prayers!So Sorry for the loss of your Mom!
Peace
DoriePosted 4 years ago by 4 kits staff #
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2Popoki!
Likewise I have not either(well...I think we ALL know Tigger hasn't!), but I hope you did catch my posting for her about a week or so ago. I am profoundly sorry and saddened for you and your clan and I hold all of you and your dearest Mom in my heart and most special prayers.
Much {{{{HUGS}}}}, strength and solace to you,2P...
God bless you. -
2P, thank you for taking the time to check in with us. Our Moms sound alot alike, mine was gone within minutes, just the way she would have wanted it. Glad your brother will be here soon, the support of your loved ones is irreplaceable..{{hugs}} and prayers for all of you at this time..
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Time for a little giggle... I had to go back and see if owlwatcher left a note. :) thankfully, she did.
I'm taking this all a day at a time. Dad is leaning heavily on me right now... and that's ok. It amazes me that I have found the strength to do some of the things I am having to do.
Again... thank you all.sometimes when I write to someone else's thread in this situation, my words feel hollow on the page. I know now, being on the receiving end of those same kind of words.... they are anything but that.
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Many hugs, 2 Popoki, and glad to hear you had time for the giggle. I know, the words are hard to come by, but they are heartfelt. Stay strong, sweet sister.
Posted 4 years ago by paulajeanne #
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This is so hard on so many levels. i am dealing, now, with a very strong-willed sister in law who doesn't feel i am handling things the way they should be handled. I am angry with her and feeling so stressed. She thinks my dad should already be rid of all my mom's clothes!!! WTF!?!?!? It's not even been a week....... I am beside myself with her. I'm going to watch a rented movie, and will most likely sleep through most of it.
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Oh dear,I don't know why in laws(and non family members) and such think they need to tell you how to handle your own family issues in such a time of stress. Can you get anyone tell her or tell her yourself to back off that she's not helping? Sheesh!
Sorry that that is happening 2P. -
Remind your sister-in-law that everyone grieves differently and at a different rate. You could probably even say something like, "I promise not to be angry at you when you don't take my suggestions if you promise not to be upset if I follow my own heart in this case."
That's assertive without being nasty but it lets her know that everyone has the right to their own way of doing things.
Posted 4 years ago by CheetahBoysmommy #
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I'm so sorry your sister-in-law is adding to your stress, 2P. She may be thinking that she is helping you and your father by removing all reminders of your mother, like her clothing. I find it a very strange idea, but it is not unusual. CBM's suggestion of how to respond is a very good one. Stay strong, my sister. You are in my prayers.
Maybe you could find something else constructive for your sister-in-law to do while she is visiting. :)
Posted 4 years ago by Kitten Whisperer #
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Thank you ... good words, hope I remember them. Sadly, my brother feels the same way she does. He reminds me that he came here to help, and if we don't do this now, I'll have to help Dad alone. Fine with me !!! I was hoping for some emotional support !!! We are just so different there I guess. My brother hasn't seen my Dad since last August, and he greets him with a handshake, and 'how are you Dad?'. AAAAUUUGGGGHHHH !! I just want to scream
Thank you.. you all give me amazing support.
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Oh 2pop..this is indeed such a tough time. Friends and family do the only thing they know how and it just doesn't always feel right with us. I know....when my little boy passed away at age 11 in 1987..I returned home to find my good friend and neighbor washing my son's clothes to remove them. She told me she was taking them out of there for me. When I began to protest..she took hold of my arms (the dear) and simply said "Karen...trust me on this"...I respected her enough to concede..I was really too tired to argue. Later I know I would have tormented myself with each and every item I touched. Maybe it would have helped in closure?? No..nothing does that except time. Hang in there sweetie...and accept what help you can get. We're only one person each of us...God Bless.
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Thanks karenopa.... my Dad has decided there is a gal in the community he wants to invite in to see if there are clothes she would like. She doesn't have a lot of money and Dad thinks the world of her. I think that is a grand gesture.
I think he needs the 'smell' of Mom around for a while. They were married 55 years and 8 months - to the day. -
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Thanks... I agree. Dad needs to do this his way. right now i think it would be too hard to look at an empty closet. I feel I know my dad better than my brother... he's spent most of his life on the other side of the world... in the military and even now as retired military.
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2p, I can so understand what you are going through. When I had my father here with dementia my only sister lived halfway across the country. They never came to see him. But after he passed away my brother-in-law proceded to tell me exactly how to manage my father's estate. I was the executor for both my mother and father. CBM's advice is excellent - follow your heart.
In all of my years of hospice nursing I always advised my patients families to take time deciding what to do with clothing and personal effects. Everyone is different. I left my mom's clothes in her closet for months after she died because, like you, I just couldn't bear the thought of her closet being empty. Finally, I did give most of them away. I still have a cedar chest full of her clothes that I hope to, some day, make into a quilt.
Your father may be filling pressured to "move along". If he truly wants to help someone by giving them your mom's clothes, then by all means do so, because it is a lovely gesture. But if he's doing it because he's bowing to the instructions of someone else, then he may regret it later. I gave away things of my mom's that later on, I wished that I had kept.
You are the one who has been there through all of this. Frankly, I didn't think that it was really my brother-in-law's business to tell me what to do. I know he meant well, and I'm sure that your sister-in-law does, as well. But you must do what you are ready to do and not be pressured.
If you need to talk, I sure do understand. Take good care. {{{{hugs}}}}}}
Posted 4 years ago by WillowandWindismom #
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Good for you dad, 2P. What a sweet way to remember and share your mom with someone in need. May it bring him (and you) a measure of comfort.
Posted 4 years ago by Kitten Whisperer #
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WWM - your words are a godsend. I will not let anyone pressure my Dad. I am not ready to see her things gone, and I didn't live there ! My s-I-L leaves today or tomorrow and won't be back. That is 100% OK with me. I could go on and on about things she said and the way she said them... it would change nothing. I think I'm glad a wedding is more important to her than her mother-in-law's memorial service. She did do one good thing... she created the photo slide show that will be shown at the memorial... and I will make copies for me, my kids and my brother. I didn't have the knowledge or patience to do that.
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Excellent news, 2P! S-I-L did something actually helpful and will be leaving--also a relief.
Posted 4 years ago by Kitten Whisperer #
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Great plan, 2P. You are an awesome woman and a great daughter!!
Posted 4 years ago by Kitten Whisperer #
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When I was dealing with the death of my mom, and then later my dad, my brother-in-law was so pushy that I began to become really snappy, and then felt guilty that I snapped, and then felt like a bad person.... gosh, it could go on and on. It almost began to seem to me as though he was worried that I wouldn't disperse any monies from my dad's will correctly. I began to harbor a lot of resentment about the things that he was both saying, and doing, when he would attempt to "take charge". Finally I told my sister that I couldn't deal with that anymore and she spoke to him (not that it did much good). I always found, in hospice nursing, that a death can bring out the best, but also the worst, in a family.
No, you didn't live there with your folks, but you are the one who is close and this is still your mom. For the longest time I needed to be able to go to my mom's closet and just smell - you know how you associate certain smells with people? My mom always smelled like fabric softener sheets. To this day, when I smell that, I think that she's there to give me a little mom kiss.
I was always taught, and believe that it is good advice, that it is not wise to jump to do things too quickly. I have seen people say that they're going to move right away because it's too lonely in the house. It will always seem terribly empty and lonely at first. But it is still home, and it's not a good idea to make these big changes too quickly. The clothing isn't such a big change, and yet it is because to get rid of all of it right now is so "final". You and your dad must have time to grieve. And there's sure no set time limit on that. You're still trying to take in the loss of your mother. That's huge. There's just no reason to rush on anything else. If you aren't ready to see your mom's things gone, you just need to have an honest talk with your dad about that. Chances are he isn't, either. You don't just "get over" 56 years with the love of your life in a day or two.
Peace, 2p. Just tell yourself every morning when you wake up "I'm going to do the best that I can." That's all that anyone can ask of us.
Posted 4 years ago by WillowandWindismom #
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WWM - thank you *tears streaming down face* I will never understand how people like you do the jobs you do. You are angels on earth. I will talk with my Dad to be sure we are on the same page. And I think that we are. He told me of one particular piece of jewelry he wants me to have.. and I love the piece. I said of course, but I'm not ready to take it yet. He understood completely.
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Oh, 2p - no, not angels. But I think that all of us who have worked in hospice try to do good. Heaven knows that I have made a ton of mistakes and have worried that my decisions may have not been the best thing for my patient, and therefore for the family. But, as I say - we just do the best that we can. And pray a lot.
I still have my mom's jewelry in her jewelry box. I gave out the "good" stuff to the people that I knew she would have wanted to have the pieces. I have lots of her costume jewelry. When I was little she always wore her hair in a French knot and would stick these things that looked like chopsticks in her hair. I love looking at those and remembered how beautiful she was before she got so sick, and how she looked the day that she died. Someday I will do something with those pieces, but not yet. And, it's been 11 years. I do wear her bracelets and some of her favorite necklaces and it always makes me feel good to have something against my skin that was against hers. Your mom will love knowing that you are wearing her jewelry. And she will be watching you.....
I even tried to cram my feet into some of my mom's shoes... I wouldn't advise that :-) Our feet were no where near the same size....
Posted 4 years ago by WillowandWindismom #
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I love your description of what you did with your mom's things, WWM. I have some cheap costume jewelry that belonged to my grandmother. It has no real value and is not "in style" now but I keep it. Sometimes, just touching an item that belonged to a loved one evokes a wonderful memory. Instead of opening up a wound, it brings a smile and a warm feeling. Bless you for your words of comfort!
Posted 4 years ago by Kitten Whisperer #
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