Daily Kitten Chat Forum » General Chat

1. 

   Hi everyone! You were all such a great help and had wonderful advice for my needing to move out and how to go about it. Well I need some more advice.

   Lately I have notice mom is getting anxious and nervous with my moving out. She sees how serious I am and how I am leaping and bounding towards my goal. I am starting to feel guilty! BIG TIME! I need to do this for me, and my sanity and well-being but I feel like she thinks I'm abandoning her. This may sound weird or strange but I feel it none-the-less. My mom and I are VERY close we have been through so many hard times in my 27 years of life.

   I have begun to notice a deteration of my parents relationship and I am concerned I azm the catalyst with all my planning of moving out. Which I was trying to avoid my moving out. I hate to think my mom thinks he's pushing me away but, in a sense he is. Also his drinking has steadfily been increasing for years now. I just recently found out over their summer vacation mom gave him an ultimatium. Lose the highball drinks or her. Now I feel torn to stay until it is settled between them because if she leaves she will need help with bills.

   I need some advice. I feel so guilty, for wanted to runaway from this stress and walking on eggshells, but I don't want to leave her to feel she has no choice but to stay.

   Help Please!

   Ange

   Posted 2 years ago by Momma to 2 MaineCoons #

2. 

   Contact Al-anon. They have counselors and experience helping the families of alcoholics.

   Posted 2 years ago by ailuromaniac #

3. 

   Hey Ange,
   It sounds complex,but it also sounds like your Mom may need you right now, if only to see her through this difficult position she's in.She ultimately needs to make this decision alone.(it must be so painful for you,woman!To see them on the brink of splitting your family in three!)But, for NOW ,maybe she needs your presence for moral and fiduciary support.You have my prayers,Ange, and if you want to,you can e-mail me at hoytchristopher AT yahoo DOT com. Stay w/us here at TDK,we value you.

   Posted 2 years ago by Tigger #

4. 

   and follow ailuromniac's sage advice too.

   Posted 2 years ago by Tigger #

5. 

   thank you tigerpaw. Yes I know she needs me and it is ultimately her choice. I was thinking of moving sooner then my Dec 31st goal, but now I know I will wait til then to see what happens here. I just hope I don't become the straw that breaks the camels back.

   Now you gone and done it. Giving me your email adress. Now you'll never get rid of me. I thank you for your advice and concern as well as wisdom.

   Ange

   Posted 2 years ago by Momma to 2 MaineCoons #

6. 

   Ailuromaniac, thank you for your advice and I will look into it. I know he wont do anything though but maybe it will help mom. He wont even admit he has a drinking problem, Right now he is so busy calling his father a stupid drunk who desreves to lose his girlfriend if he wont give up the liquor, but he is blind to the fact he is in the same position, but intead of losing a girlfriend he is losing a wife and a daughter.

   I feel sorry for him, but I know I can't stay here forever. So tangled I feel, like a moth drawn to the flame even with the knowledge I will get burned doesn't seem to help.

   Ange

   Posted 2 years ago by Momma to 2 MaineCoons #

7. 

   you would not be thus.For someone to claim you are thus would be a cop-out on their part. Unless you intentionally bugger things u. Which does not sound likely from the impression I get of you.

   Posted 2 years ago by Tigger #

8. 

   the straw,I mean.

   Posted 2 years ago by Tigger #

9. 

   thanks Tigerpaw.

   And no I would not but sometimes I feel he begrudges me taking a few moments of my moms time and affection off him. So inadvertantly I could still be that straw. I worry to that mom may decide to leave to stay with me. I am her baby, her last chick in the nest. I hate worrying because I have such a load to carry right now with work, but I can't help it.

   Posted 2 years ago by Momma to 2 MaineCoons #

10. 

    So inadvertantly I could still be that straw.

    As I said,a cop-out
    Don't let him or anyone play you that way,Ange.
    Be strong,your Mom needs you to be.

    Posted 2 years ago by Tigger #

11. 

    i will be. I have never backdown from anything since I found my backbone. I will be there for mom and make sure I am not the excuse used. Thanks needed that Tigerpaw feeling a bit low there for a moment. ;o) I never stay down too long to tenacious. Or a smart ass or stuborn mule like everyone says. I sometimes forget I need to stand up for myself, I do it for everyone esle but forget myself.

    Posted 2 years ago by Momma to 2 MaineCoons #

12. 

    Goodnight Ange,my friend,
    Offer up some prayers for all three of you(Dad especially)before bed tonight.
    I will do likewise.God hears all of them and His Word never comes back null or void but fulfills the purposes for which its sent.Love to chat with you tomorrow morning or evening(late eve.PDT).Sleep well.

    Posted 2 years ago by Tigger #

13. 

    Thanks Tigerpaw. I will add my prayers to yours. Tomorrow I will be up very early around 6:30 7am in cali. Then off until, 7pm ish tomorrow night.
    I look forward to talking tomorrow. If you want a laug to send you off look at night shift. I wrote bobbi a story there.
    Night. Pleasnat dreams.
    Ange

    Posted 2 years ago by Momma to 2 MaineCoons #

14. 

    Ange,
    Don't take on their stuff. This is their relationship, and their problem.
    You are allowing yourself to be the the tightrope walker, with a very unsteady pole.
    I agree about AnAnon.
    You need lots of support right now, and if you don't take care of yourself, you will be unable to help Mom if and when she needs it.
    Hugs and purrs and potitive energy your way.
    Your friend
    Bobbi

    Posted 2 years ago by artistabobbi TX 1/17 #

15. 

    Hi, Ange. I'm sorry you are feeling so caught up in your mom and step-dad's issues. They really are their issues though. They have to figure out if they want to go forward as a couple. You are more than ready to leave the nest and figure out who you are as an independent adult. Impending change (your move) will have an impact on your parents. But it may help them clarify who they want to be as a couple or if they want to be a couple at all with you out of their home. They both seem focused on you right now. If your mom knows that you are OK on your own, she might feel free to concentrate on making her own decisions.

    Posted 2 years ago by Kitten Whisperer #

16. 

    Well said,KW.May it be so.

    Posted 2 years ago by Tigger #

17. 

    Ange, you have received some very good advice here from tigerpaw, KW, and ailuromaniac. I would also advise going to Al-anon, I know that you love your mother as one should but you are not responsible for their marriage. You will be in my prayers and thoughts for continuing strength in this situation.

    Posted 2 years ago by AZDEBRA 5/27 & crew #

18. 

    Ange, I will echo the recommendations of others, and suggest you contact Al-Anon as soon as possible.

    Your father's drinking problem and your parents' marriage problems are not problems for you to take on. You are responsible only for your actions, not for your parents (either one of them).

    I don't know enough about the specifics of the situation to give good advice. But based on my intuition, and having been in a family where both parents had drinking problems, I'd recommend you run, don't walk, to get out of this situation. You're 27 years old, and you've had to deal with a fairly dysfunctional family situation for a long, long time (if not your entire life).

    Your mom will have to make her own decision to stay or leave, based on her own reasons. I understand your desire to help, and if your mom decides to leave, if and when the situation comes to that, then you can offer your help. But it's not appropriate for you to influence her decision, one way or the other.

    Please keep in mind that excessive distance or closeness can be a sign of a dysfunctional relationship. Co-dependency is a very strange and entangling situation, but it can be overcome.

    Good luck!

    Posted 2 years ago by anncetera2 #

19. 

    Ange,
    Help yourself befor you can help Mom! It sounds like you both need Al-anon.
    My 27 year old daughter and I also went through this 9 years ago, We went to meetings and found some answers inside ourselves. If a meeting doesn't feel right go to another one in a different place, As I went to several before I found my home place! It is a long road but take it one baby step at a time!!
    Peace
    My daughter/friend
    Dorie

    Posted 2 years ago by 3 kits staff dorie #

20. 

    All the above friends have offered mature, experienced, intelligent, heartfelt advice. I hope you will take a deep breath, slow down long enough to read every word, and think.

    This is the time to lay down your youth, stand tall as a self-sufficient adult, pick up the torch of anticipation and excitement, and step forward into your future....guilt-free.

    Posted 2 years ago by Jo in Blairsville #

21. 

    Jo, as usual, stated it better than I could, but remember, this is YOUR parents' problem, not yours. You can't take on the world. I know this because I have tried for my whole life. You can't fix something that is another person's problem. OK?

    Posted 2 years ago by Bogman, Clark and Andy's mama 2/27 Florida #

22. 

    Remember your parents are adults...Al-Anon is good..and letting her know you are available for support, but it is necessary for you to get on your own. The longer you stay, the more difficult it is for all involved. It should be the goal of parents to get you out of the nest at the right time, and unless you have been working an MD and doing residency, you need to spread your wings and leave the nest.

    Posted 2 years ago by peppercat28 #

23. 

    Ange - Everyone here has offered excellent advice - particularly about going to Al-Anon. I also agree that you need to think of yourself first. As the others have said, it is your parents' marriage and their problems - not yours. Your staying could very well provide them with a way to avoid facing up to their problems; you might be enabling your mother to continue putting off making a very unpleasant decision. It sounds like she is using you as a crutch. If you leave, they will no longer be able to use you to distract them from what is really going on in their marriage, and it will help to force them to deal with the real issues.

    Remember, you are only responsible for yourself, and the only person you can control is yourself. You cannot worry whether any of your own actions may prove to be the 'last straw' in their marriage. It is up to your mom and dad as to how they react to your leaving. If they choose to react by allowing that to finish their marriage, then that is their decision. It is not your responsibility. And if that is what happens, you must realize that if you had stayed you might only have been postponing the inevitable.

    Ans above all, don't let your mom make you feel guilty! Feeling guilt is your own choice; it doesn't help anybody, and will only hurt you. Naturally, you want to help and support your mom - you just need to find the right way to do this. As I said, I suspect that if you remove yourself from the equation, your parents will be more able to focus on their problems, and you will be in a better position to provide your mother with that much needed support.

    Best of luck to you in this difficult decision! Sending positive energy, hugs, purrs and headbonks!

    Posted 2 years ago by Rubia in CA, 4/28 #

24. 

    Hi Ange,
    I'm glad you're planning on moving out! You need to take care of yourself if you're going to be any help at all to your Mom. Removing yourself from the situation will not only be good for you, it may help your parents' relationship as well. I can understand that it's hard for your Mom to have you move out, but it's time and it's something all mothers will have to go through at some point. I think once you move out and she realizes that you're able to take care of yourself, she'll feel better about it. You also don't know how your parents' relationship will change once you're out of there - maybe the two of them will grow closer living by themselves and it may ultimately help them solve their problems.
    DON'T feel guilty about moving out! I felt terribly guilty about moving, myself. I lived with my Dad for a few months after my Mom passed away. I was 21 and I felt terrible for leaving my Dad all alone (though my brother lived about 12 miles away), but it was something I had to do. Now, I left my Dad in Denmark and moved to Florida, so talk about moving away!!!! It wasn't easy, Ange, and some people even got on my case about it, but I can't live my whole life a certain way and forget my own hopes and dreams because I feel guilty leaving him. It's been eleven years, and we get along great. We talk on the phone often, we email and he comes to visit for a month every year. I'm happy and my Dad's happy that I'm happy! You see, had I stayed, HE would have been the one feeling guilty about keeping me there!
    Move out, Ange, and live your life. Help out you Mom if she needs it, lend a listening ear if she needs that, but do move out and get on with your own life!

    Posted 2 years ago by GreatDane #

25. 

    Ange,

    I am weighing in on the side of sticking to your plans and continuing with trying to be out by the end of the year. Re-assure your mother that you will still be near by and also think about the fact that if you have your own place it will give your mother the opportunity to retreat away from her house when she needs time and space to think and decide what HER next move might be. It is time to live your life for yourself and you will never truly do that while you are living at home.

    Posted 2 years ago by KYKAT 12 23 #

26. 

    Thank you everyone! After posting this thread last night I realized cI should not feel guilty for wanting to leave as soon as possible, and that if my mom needs to talk I am only a phone call away. I picked up my share rental search and even expanded the area some. I am hopibng to find something soon that I can afford as well as my other expenses. I still plan to be out of here by December but if something else comes up sooner I will persue it.

    I even started looking at alternatives for short stays with other family members but, knowing their situtations I don't want to burden them. My sister is in a crumbling marriage as well with an alcoholic, with 4 girls aging 16 to 4 this december, she would take me in a heartbeat and my nieces would love it but one more mouth to feed and cook for (mind you I would pay rent or help with grocery costs which muy sister would refuse stuborn just like me ;o) .)
    My brother lives in San Fran but the gas I would be using would eat up any profits I could make. Plus he has only recently found a new job and got off welfare (question not sure if it's called welfare when you get released by your boss) plus he lives with 3 other guys so it's pretty full thhere as well. The last sibling I have lives in Stockton, ca, but my brother doesn't work so his wife is the sole breadwinner plus they have their 5 year old daughter plus I would have to find new jobs, which will be a bigger burden and stress on me.
    I thought of staying short term in a hotel/motel, but roomrates and laundry will be very pricey.
    Now don't think I'm giving up, I'm not down for the count. I am regrouping and trying another approach and strategizing.

    I will mention to my mom tonight al-non (we have girls night into while stepfather goes to his all male hunting club meeting). I will also lay out my new plan/goal. I will remind her if she needs me I'm here for her as support but I have to do this for ME! I will also tell her she needs to do some serious thinking as well about her happiness and marriage. Her wants, needs, desires and expectations. I will also let her know it's her choices, and it should not involve me, it's brtween them.

    Any other thoughts on how to do this without making her feel like I'm leaving her alone on the battlefield so to speak. I want her to finally take back her control and draw on all that strength that showed us through our past hardships before she got reinvolved 14 years ago.

    Thanks again my tkd family. I know I can always count on you for advice.
    love,
    Ange

    Posted 2 years ago by Momma to 2 MaineCoons #

27. 

    I am off to shower and head to my appointments today for work, so please keep sending advice. I will check them when I get home.
    Thanks again my tdk fam.
    Ange

    Posted 2 years ago by Momma to 2 MaineCoons #

28. 

    Rubia in UK has put it so well. I agree with her. You should go ahead with your plans to move out as your parents need to deal with the issue between themselves. Al-Anon is a great place to go and get help with dealing with the issues you are feeling (feelings of abandoning your mom, etc.). We are all here for you. Lots of hugs.

    Posted 2 years ago by SylvesterMiasMomma #

29. 

    Ange, hang in there. You're not leaving your mother alone, you just won't physically be sharing the same living space. As you noted, you won't be more than a phone call away.

    In addition, I'm glad that you recognize that your mom should probably think about taking a look at her situation, and figure out what direction she wants to go, at this point in her life. That's entirely up to her, though; she may need to do that at her own pace, in her own way. I wish her the very best of luck in figuring all that out.

    Believe it or not, Ange, you're through the worst part - you've decided what you're going to do. Everything else gets easier, now. What you're working on now is implementing your plan, and finding good ways to feel more comfortable with the changes you're making.

    Change is stressful, even good change; change can also be very scary. Be kind and gentle to yourself as you deal with these transitions.

    Posted 2 years ago by anncetera2 #

30. 

    I'm so proud to be here among such insighful, loving people. You're all amazing. Great advice, TDKers!

    Wouldn't it be wonderful if Ange's changing her own life -- gives her mother the strength she needs to change hers?

    Posted 2 years ago by Jo in Blairsville #

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