Daily Kitten Chat Forum » Purrs

1. 

   Hey all my TDK friends. I am going through a breakup right now and need the TDK white light. I initiated the breakup which is a new thing for me. I have always been the one left not the one leaving. I feel terrible, but know that I don't feel for this guy what he wants me to feel. We have been together over 5 years now and I have always felt like he didn't care if I was around. I always felt like I was annoying him if I tried to talk to him. Another guy has entered the picture and so I told him to leave so I could be free to explore whatever with this new guy. Now that I have told him to leave (it is my apartment) he is freaking out and making it hard on me. He said he is going to fight for me, but all I want is for him to leave. All I want to do is cry, but I can't do that in front of him because he will try to manipulate what is going on. I hate being so cold to him because it is against my nature to be cold to anyone, especially those I care about.

   Thanks for listening and support.

   Posted 4 years ago by liz mom of 4 #

2. 

   Stand firm. You are within your rights. We are here for you, and you will be in our prayers and white light.

   Posted 4 years ago by Jo in Blairsville #

3. 

   Hang in there, Liz. You have every right to leave someone you don't really care about so that you can find someone you do. Don't let him manipulate you, you're strong. :-)

   Posted 4 years ago by JenniferSigman #

4. 

   Liz, stand firm and listen to your heart. If you relent and let this guy stay, he will just go back to how he treated you before once the dust settles. 5 years is enough time wasted. If you don't feel the way he wants you to feel by now, it's not going to happen. The only thing is, it is always better to end one relationship and heal from it before going directly into another.

   Posted 4 years ago by Catwoman #

5. 

   There is nothing more discouraging than someone who loves you only when you say the relationship is over. If this is your apartment, offer to help him pack, give him 1-3 days to find new arrangements (this time limit depends on how safe you feel), and say goodbye. You might want to contact the owner/manager of the apartment and solicit some help there.

   Don't be manipulated or manhandled. Hang tough. As Jo says, stand firm and remember that you are within your rights.

   We will all be praying for you.

   Posted 4 years ago by Emma #

6. 

   There is alot of good advice there, but be reasonable but firm. Give the guy a date specific to have new arrangemants. Sometimes these are not that easy to come up with on the fly. There must have been something there in the past to have him move in with you, so giving the guy a little time (10 days or so) shouldn't be too hard. If he does get too difficult though and gives you a rough time, the police can always remove him. If you choose this make sure they are present when he is being removed. Just a few thoughts.

   Posted 4 years ago by peppercat28 #

7. 

   Wow, I feel a sense of dejavu! After 5 years with my ex, I wanted him to leave my home too. It just wasn't there anymore. I listened to the whinning and crying, the promises and more promises and wasted another 1 1/2 years. Please don't make to same mistake I did. If it's not right, it's just not right. Wishing and hoping isn't going to change that. Set a deadline and stick to it. Stand firm and do what you need to do. Life is to short to spend even one day unhappy if you can avoid it. I do agree with earlier comments however that you need time to heal and rediscover yourself before you start a new venture. You have made a good first step. Just remember, put one foot in front of the other and soon you will be walking all be yourself, on your own steam and making your OWN path. Prayers and hugs to you, never forget we have your back!

   Posted 4 years ago by debsterwiz #

8. 

   I did love him once upon a time. Part of me will always love him. But it has been in the last 6 months or so that I began to realize that my goals and dreams weren't in line with his. When I brought this up to him, he blew me off. He wants me to support him in his dream or goal of becoming rich but he doesn't want to support me in my dream of having a family. He doesn't think you can do both. I told him I shouldn't have to give up my dreams just because they aren't in line with his. I even told him I didn't hold it against him that he wouldn't or couldn't come in line with mine. I just told him that he needs to let me go so I can find someone who may be better in line with what I want. I can't wait forever to have a family. He wants me to wait another 10 years and I feel like I will be lucky if I have 5 years. I am 35. I told him I had already waited 5 years for him to get his act together and he wasn't interested in doing what was necessary.

   He is not violent or anything. He is just making me feel terrible because he is crying and begging me to change my mind. I gave him till the end of the month to make other arrangements. I think he is going to move back in with his mother.

   Posted 4 years ago by liz mom of 4 #

9. 

   Bravo, Liz! Keep believing in yourself. You can do this.

   Posted 4 years ago by Jo in Blairsville #

10. 

    Liz, it's hard I know, but you have the TDK family's support and thoughts and prayers from me and my fur babies. Take care of yourself and let him learn to take care of himself.

    Posted 4 years ago by Bogman, Clark and Andy's mama 2/27 Florida #

11. 

    Moving back in with Mommy?? That in itself speaks volumes! If he can't make it on his own steam, he has been using yours. Stick to your guns, you have make to right decision.

    Posted 4 years ago by debsterwiz #

12. 

    Hi Liz:

    You may have to get a court order to evict him if he's really being a jerk and not leaving.

    Don't wait - time passes fast. In 10 years he will probably give you the same story. Leave now while you can, before you change your mind.

    One of my best friends was married to a guy who didn't want kids but SHE did so she got pregnant anyway. Guess what? He left her cold!

    Just a question - how is he planning to get rich? Is it something that could really happen or is he just living a dream?

    Take care, and I send my best to you.

    Stay strong.
    *hugs*

    Posted 4 years ago by HuddysMama #

13. 

    amen debsterwiz...
    You did well Liz.

    Posted 4 years ago by PipasMumSpain #

14. 

    HM, His plan to get rich includes saving as much as possible and investing in the stock market, mutual funds etc. I have to say, he is brilliant in this area, but since he has trouble keeping a job, it is hard to save when you aren't making any money. I do believe that he will eventually reach his goals of being independently wealthy. I just don't think I will be alive to see it ;) He can't keep a job because he has social anxiety disorder. I think if he was able and willing to get help for that, nothing would stop him from achieving his goals.

    Posted 4 years ago by liz mom of 4 #

15. 

    Hi Liz - Stick to your guns! Five years is long enough. I can't believe that he actually asked you to wait another 10 years before having children! Also, if he has social anxiety disorder, the chances are good he will just bring you down to his level. I don't really know what is involved with that, but I can guess. It sounds a bit like my ex-husband. He had no problem keeping a job or anything, but our social life was practically non-existent. I had to drag him kicking and screaming to any social activities. We hardly ever went out to eat, and the only time we went to the movies was on Thanksgiving Day when everyone else was home having turkey. He hated crowds and sitting in traffic so we never went to baseball or football games. Our main activity was watching Star Trek on TV.

    Eventually I realized how much of life I was missing out on, and decided I needed to change that before it was too late. While I will always love my ex-husband (there were many good aspects to our relationship as well!), my current husband and I are much more in synch in many ways. It was EXTREMELY difficult to leave my first husband, but I have much fuller life now!

    Posted 4 years ago by Rubia in CA, 4/28 #

16. 

    I agree with everyone here, stick to your guns Liz. After three years of my husband promising to have a better job and that our life was going to get better, I have given up on that since he cannot seem to hold a job. My husband is a dreamer. Good that you give your boyfriend time to move out and figure out where he wants to live. If he become more of a jerk about it and makes each day a living hell, then you tell him if you continue to make it difficult you will change the locks and he can find his stuff outside or if it isn't much stuff, over at his mother's front door.

    A partnership between two people is that you have a common goal to work towards. If one of the partners cannot keep their part of the promise, then it is time to move on.

    Good luck to you and know we are all here if you need to vent or cry.

    Posted 4 years ago by SylvesterMiasMomma #

17. 

    I just had a long conversation with him. He said his mom was coming over today to keep him company and I am hoping she will take him home with her tonight.

    I agree, I shouldn't get into another relationship right now and I think the other guy will just fade out unless he is ok with just being friends right now. I have told him that I just don't have anything to give right now and wouldn't be fair to him. If he is ok with being friends then we can see each other occasionally and have a good time.

    I told my man that he needs to go home to his moms today or soon so he can get his life together. I said I feel like I am hindering him from getting his life together by staying with him. His mom can help him more than I can. I have enough to deal with taking care of myself and my cats. :)

    Thank you all for your support and advice. I need all the help I can get right now. (especially since i will be dealing with an angry mom tonight!)

    Posted 4 years ago by liz mom of 4 #

18. 

    Frankly, I would rather have a great single life than be in tandem with anyone who drags me down -- mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally -- and with this guy having mommy issues -- no wonder he doesn't want kids. He's already cast himself in that role!

    Posted 4 years ago by Emma #

19. 

    Hi, Liz. It sounds like this isn't a good guy/bad guy end to your relationship. It's just a bad fit. You have different goals. End of story. How wonderful that his mother is offering him a temporary place to stay while he figures out what to do. That gets him out of your living space sooner rather than later.

    You sound like a wise woman. You communicated your reasons for breaking up very clearly and kindly. Bless you and good luck in finding someone more in tune with your goals.

    Posted 4 years ago by Kitten Whisperer #

20. 

    Liz, wishing you the best of luck in the living of the rest of your life. Good advice given, can't think of anything to add. We are here for you. Blessings, Lynn

    Posted 4 years ago by Lynn from PA 6/8 #

21. 

    It's so nice to get home from a day of catering that began at 3 a.m., unwind a little, and read all the sound, compassionate, and thought-provoking advice extended to Liz by a myriad of TDKers.

    Liz, all the above is wonderful advice. You definitely have our attention and our support. None of us expects you to be superwoman, so if you slip a little, that's okay, too. Just do the best you can to take control of your life, and things will fall into place. We're cheering you on.

    Karin is a wonderful example of how a woman can overcome obstacles that seem insurmountable. Kitten Whisperer overcame the death of her first husband and married again, and others including Terri have even overcome abuse. Like Debsterwiz so wisely said, just put one foot in front of the other....and soon you'll be walking on your own.

    Posted 4 years ago by Jo in Blairsville #

22. 

    Hi Liz - not much I can add to the above, except genuine empathy - when my ex and I broke up it was my decision - we'd been papering over the cracks for a while, but I dealt the final death blow. It's a horrible thing to do, especially when all the emotion they perhaps never felt able to express comes out, but if it don't fit, it don't fit. He won't always feel bad, he'll move on and find a better fit, and so will you. Thinking of you xx

    Posted 4 years ago by MadcatwomanintheUK #

23. 

    Bravo to you for making that first step. I agree with the advise already given, and wish you the best of luck. We are here for you.
    Hugs and purrs and positive energy for a life more suited to your needs.

    Posted 4 years ago by artistabobbi TX 1/17 #

24. 

    Well, he went home with his mother yesterday. He said his mom is going to help him get a car and a job and hopefully get on his feet. We are going to continue to date each other just from a distance and will be free to date other people if we want to. I slept really peacfully last night for the first time in a long time. I had all my babies curled up on the bed with me :)

    Thank you all for your prayers and support. It means a lot to me.

    Posted 4 years ago by liz mom of 4 #

25. 

    That sounds lovely Liz. Just don't let him manipulate you. He obviously needs to get his life together. You will be a lot happier if your relationship is a partnership. You don't need to be this guy's mother

    Posted 4 years ago by MeezerMama in OK; 10/23 #

26. 

    Bravo Liz!!! Excelent, you have taken the first step on the journey of the rest of your life. Carefull when dating the guy however, you don't want "nostalgia" clouding the real issues at hand. My philosephy (sorry spelling) has always been "Never do ex's. They are ex's for a reason".

    Love and purrs to you, stand stong, you can make it honey!!

    Posted 4 years ago by debsterwiz #

27. 

    His MOTHER is going to get him a car and a job??? Is this common??

    *mouth open in disbelief*

    Posted 4 years ago by PipasMumSpain #

28. 

    Well, Pipa's Mum, it is common when Mommy doesn't cut the strings and stays THAT involved. Yes, American moms sometimes tend to NEVER let go. Sad but true. Sometimes they just won't let the boys fall, even when they should. Can you say enabler??

    Posted 4 years ago by debsterwiz #

29. 

    No Pipa's Mum, this is not common.
    My advice to any of you single ladies-Find a man that respects his mother, but stay away from Mama's boys. You want to be their partner, not their mother. And you will never be able to take the place of a mama's boy's mom. Find one a comparable stage in life to your own. If you no longer live with your parents, then neither should he. Women too often try to fix a bad boy. They think they can save him. I learned the hard way that you can't. Look for someone who at least has his life together as much as you do.

    Posted 4 years ago by MeezerMama in OK; 10/23 #

30. 

    Don't get me wrong, believe me, Spanish mothers are hyper protective... and I am nobody to judge what is going on in someone's home...
    But... correct me if I am wrong, this man is thirty something... how does your Mom get you a job? She pays you to vacuum the carpet? you mow the lawn?
    If he can't afford a car I imagine that there are buses he can take!

    Geesh Liz... believe me friend... you did good.

    Posted 4 years ago by PipasMumSpain #

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