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Because you need a chuckle today ....................

(22 posts)
  • Started 4 years ago by SylvesterMiasMomma
  • Latest reply from Renee in Arkansas
  1. These silly but funny:

    IDIOT SIGHTING: My husband and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large enough" motor on the opener. I thought for a minute and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a ½ horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that ½ was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two." We haven't used Sears repair since.

    IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the Removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many Deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman , KS

    IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell And ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef? Yep... From Kansas City!

    IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

    IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!!?" She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

    IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker: She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word Was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments. (Actually, that part makes it all the more understandable. see Dilbert for clues to the techno-geeks who have zero HR skills.)
    IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less. (Maybe it doesn't take knowledge of electrical outlets to understand the criminal mind.?)

    IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!

    Posted 4 years ago by SylvesterMiasMomma #

  2. Thanks Karin!
    You made my day with these! Great stuff.These belong in the Funny Times Newspaper or on the Jon Stewart Daily Show,they're that funny!

    Posted 4 years ago by Tigger #

  3. These are similar. Thanks for the laugh, Karin. Hope you enjoy these

    These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are

    things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
    published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
    these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ______________________________

    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

    WITNESS : July 18th.

    ATTORNEY: What year?

    WITNESS: Every year.
    __________________________________

    ATTORNEY : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    WITNESS : Gucci sweats and Reeboks
    ___________________________________

    ATTORNEY : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    WITNESS : Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    WITNESS : I forget.

    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
    forgot?
    ___________________________________

    ATTORNEY : How old is your son, the one living with you?

    WITNESS : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

    ATTORNEY : How long has he lived with you?

    WITNESS: Forty-five years.
    __________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
    morning?

    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

    ATTORNEY : And why did that upset you?

    WITNESS: My name is Susan.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY : Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
    voodoo?

    WITNESS : We both do.

    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

    WITNESS : We do.

    ATTORNEY: You do?

    WITNESS : Yes, voodoo.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his

    sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    WITNESS : Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ___________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one -year-old, how old is he?

    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY : Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS : Would you repeat the question?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY : So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    WITNESS : Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

    WITNESS : Uh....
    __________________________________

    ATTORNEY : She had three children, right?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

    WITNESS: None.

    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS : By death.

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.

    ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female?
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
    notice which I sent to your attorney?

    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on

    Dead people?

    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY : ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
    to?

    WITNESS: Oral.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
    an autopsy on him!
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY : Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    WITNESS : Huh?
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
    pulse?

    WITNESS : No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS : No.

    ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
    began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

    WITNESS : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

    practicing law.

    Posted 4 years ago by Pollys_Mum_in_UK_26/05 #

  4. Reality is always the best resource for humor.

    Posted 4 years ago by Tigger #

  5. LOL..cool, I needed a chuckle today.

    Posted 4 years ago by Crazycatman - CA #

  6. That was hilarious Polly's Mum! Thank you. The ones I posted came from a friend. I do not know where he found them.

    I heard Larry the Cable Guy say the one about when is your birthday line on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour that was playing on Comedy Central on Sunday night. He was very funny with the look on his face.

    Posted 4 years ago by SylvesterMiasMomma #

  7. Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.

    Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says

    "Kin ya swallar?"

    The woman shakes her head no.

    "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

    The Hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

    The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

    His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seen nobody do it!"

    Posted 4 years ago by Crazycatman - CA #

  8. That is truly dreadful!!!!! I love it.

    Posted 4 years ago by Pollys_Mum_in_UK_26/05 #

  9. Oh, CCM, that was so bad, it was good. . .too funny!

    Posted 4 years ago by FondaHonda #

  10. I needed a laugh, and you all did it just right.
    I should write down some of the things said from ad executives. Just as bad. LOL

    Posted 4 years ago by artistabobbi TX 1/17 #

  11. The Gift
    =========

    A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding
    anniversary. His wife told him, "Tomorrow there better be
    something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in two
    seconds flat".

    The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

    Posted 4 years ago by debsterwiz #

  12. LOL :-)
    These jokes are great, especially the lawyer/witness ones! Must pass those on to co-workers. We need a good laugh today.

    Posted 4 years ago by LadyKat of IA #

  13. And a few more (because we all just can't get enough)

    this first one happened to me in court (when I was an MP)

    Q: Officer, can you state your name for the court?
    A: Yes I can.
    Q: Well?
    A: Well what?
    Q: I asked you a question.
    A: I answered it.
    (he didn't like me after that)

    Q: And where was the location of the accident?
    A: Approximately milepost 499.
    Q: And where is milepost 499?
    A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

    Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
    A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

    Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
    A: After the accident?
    Q: Before the accident.
    A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school
    for it.

    Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
    A: Yes.
    Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
    A: Yes, sir.
    Q: What did she say?
    A: What disco am I at?

    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

    Q: Did he kill you?

    Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

    Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

    Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

    Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

    Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
    A: I went to Europe, Sir.
    Q: And you took your new wife?

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
    A. Borofkin.
    Q. What's his first name?
    A. I can't remember.
    Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't
    remember his first name?
    A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair
    and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them
    your first name!

    Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
    A. I refuse to answer that question.
    Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
    A. I refuse to answer that question.
    Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
    A. No.

    Q. What is your name?
    A. Ernestine McDowell.
    Q. And what is your marital status?
    A. Fair.

    Q. Are you married?
    A. No, I'm divorced.
    Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
    A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

    Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
    A. My ex-widow said it.

    Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
    A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children
    by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

    Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
    A. I should be.
    Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
    A. Four times.

    Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
    A. Yes, sir.
    Q. Before or after he died?

    Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
    influence?
    A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his
    words.

    Q. What happened then?
    A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
    identify me."
    Q. Did he kill you?
    A. No.

    THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all
    present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
    any.

    Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
    A. No.
    Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
    A. Picking them up in the air.
    Q. Where was the dog at this time?
    A. Attached to the ears.

    Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to
    and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on
    her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning
    you and she, with him to the station?

    MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and
    shot.

    Q: What is your relationship with the victim?
    A: She is my daughter.
    Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

    Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

    Q: ...and what did he do then?
    A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
    Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

    Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
    A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

    Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
    A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
    Q: It was covered?
    A: Yes, bandaged.
    Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
    A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

    Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
    A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

    Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
    A: The victim lived.

    Q: Are you sexually active?
    A: No, I just lie there.

    Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

    Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
    A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

    Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
    A: It indicates intercourse.
    Q: Male sperm?
    A. That is the only kind I know.

    Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
    A: Yes, sir.
    Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

    Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

    Posted 4 years ago by Instinct #

  14. This joke has an excellent Moral and so true.
    ________________________________________
    The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so
    pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and it won
    again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

    The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
    pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.
    The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

    This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

    The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.

    The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

    The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

    This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run wild.

    The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

    Alas;...... the Bishop was buried the next day.

    MORAL OF THE STORY?? Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life ... stop worrying about everyone else's ass, and you'll live longer and be a lot happier!

    Posted 4 years ago by Pollys_Mum_in_UK_26/05 #

  15. I work at a catalaogue mail order company....there's lots of prize stuff here. Two of my favorites:

    Customer: And where are you guys located?
    Operator: Pennsylvania.
    Customer: Is that overseas?

    ***

    Operator: What was wrong with the batteries, ma'am?
    Customer: They don't work!
    Operator: They're dead?
    Customer: You sent me two negative batteries!

    Posted 4 years ago by Arcalian #

  16. Great Laughs!!!! Can never get too many!!!!Thanks for sharing!

    Posted 4 years ago by Karenopa #

  17. Harvey & Gladys

    Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is
    standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long,
    hard look at herself.

    "You know, Harvey," she comments. "I stare into this
    mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all
    wrinkled, my upper body sags so much that it dangles
    to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped
    balloons, and my behind looks like a sad, deflated version
    of the Hindenberg!"

    She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please
    tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can
    feel better about myself."

    Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then
    says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well...you've got
    good eyesight."

    Posted 4 years ago by owlwatcher_974 #

  18. You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When...

    *Juan Valdez names his donkey after you

    *You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked

    *You grind your coffee beans in your mouth

    *You sleep with your eyes open

    *You have to watch videos in fast-forward

    *You lick your coffee pot clean

    *Your eyes stay open when you sneeze

    *The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse

    *You can type sixty words a minute with your feet

    *You can jump-start your car without cables

    *Your only sources of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low"

    *You don't sweat, you percolate

    Posted 4 years ago by owlwatcher_974 #

  19. I CAN IDENTIFY!!,owlwatcher!! (esp. the percolating!...got a towel?) xD

    Posted 4 years ago by Tigger #

  20. Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. For
    bathroom facilities, they had to use an outhouse. The little boy
    hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the
    winter, and it stank all the time.
    The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek, and the
    boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into
    the water.
    One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the
    little boy decided that today was the day to push the outhouse
    into the creek. So he got a large stick and pushed. Finally, the
    outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
    That evening his dad sternly told him to sit down. Knowing
    he was in trouble, the little boy asked why. The dad replied,
    "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was
    you, wasn't it, son?"
    The boy nodded meekly. Then he thought a moment and
    said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington
    chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble
    because he told the truth."
    The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father
    wasn't in that cherry tree!"

    Posted 4 years ago by owlwatcher_974 #

  21. I like the jokes! They're funny, keep 'em coming.

    Posted 4 years ago by Renee in Arkansas #


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